Emzthinkingoutloud

Escape

2012-01-18T16:39:00.000+08:00

"I'm tired of all of this".."I want out".."I want independence"..I guess we've all felt that way at one time or another. Fortunately, many of us came to our senses before we did anything 'stupid'. But sometimes, people end up learning the hard way that the 'spirit of independence' is not at all Godly and that friends and family just want to help. They don't mean to choke us, they don't mean to act like we can't do anything on our own. That the safest place we can be is in their company and under their guidance. Why the sudden 'realization'?

My/our dearest sister is back. She's pale, skinny, nearly unrecognizable but SHE'S BACK! After around 8 months thinking that she was being rebellious, had been influenced badly by friends, and had basically 'gone wild', we are proven WRONG. Maybe not 'totally' wrong since in the beginning she really did decide to go independent and not tell anyone where she was. But most of time, it wasn't her will after all. It just hurts to think that all this time while we thought she was such a 'bad girl' she was actually experiencing unimaginable torture.

Everyone had tears in their eyes as she explained all she was going through for the past 7 months. How she so badly wished she could go to the meetings. How she imagined being with us in the field service. How she tried again and again to escape but only ended up being caught and beaten again. How she prayed and prayed for rescue. How she was put through all kinds of physical, mental and psychological pain .How the minute she lost hope, surrendered trying to escape and felt she had been abandoned by us all, things just turned out in a very unusual way and she was saved.

Her experience just shows that Jehovah is indeed the provider of escape. He never forgot her. Though she did in a way turn her back on Him and sought independence, when things went terribly wrong, He still helped her. He is an examiner of hearts. According to her, during the torture sessions when she was slapped with a bottle of liquor on her face until it broke, when she was punched on her chest again and again and told to 'vomit blood' , when she was choked, kicked, and other inhumane acts, only the first blow hurt. After that, she could feel nothing until it was over. When her captor abused her verbally telling her 'nobody cared', 'your God has left you' , 'nobody will miss you'....what she heard were reminders from assemblies, watchtowers, talks that made her strong.

Jehovah may have allowed her to undergo all these things but the moment she gave up, the moment she said 'Am I really that bad that you have forgotten me?', she was rescued in a short of miraculous way. Things turned out so that her captor practically walked herself into jail without any effort on anyone's part. Everyone involved had to say it was a very, very unusual turn of events and they called her 'blessed'.

Lesson: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER underestimate the power of prayer. All the while, all who knew her continued mentioning her in prayer. She herself never stopped praying.... :"If you wish, save me but if you don't I'll understand, just give me strength to endure because I know this is all my fault".

The reunion the first time she attended the meetings after that is hard to describe. She amazingly was still able to energetically relate all she'd been through but it just took a hug to bring her to tears. I cried, many of us did. It just was and still is too hard to believe that such wicked/demonic people do exist. I went home and cried as I prayed, I just cried myself to sleep. I still shed tears wherever I am when I think of her and I really wonder if I would have the same courage and endurance as she did.

The story is extremely long, and has a lot of details that are too 'graphic' to mention so I'll end this with the words her mum told her captor with through the prison cell: 'What did you say about our God? You said He'd forgotten an abandoned her? It's OUR GOD JEHOVAH who put you in that cell."

My 'to-meet' list

2012-01-10T15:43:00.001+08:00

I've already put together my 'to-do' list but one also should have a 'to-meet' list right? Imagine how many hundreds of faithful men and women of old will be resurrected! Well, so I don't get confused, after much thought, I've finally come up with my top 5 men and women I would love to meet.

Men:
• Moses (humility)
• Abraham (faith)
• Job (obedience)
• Joseph (long suffering)
• David (repentance)

Women:
• Sarah
• Easter (courage)
• Shulamite Maiden (love)
• Abigail (wisdom)
• Ruth (loyalty)

Something I just realized that is super exciting is the fact that forever is a very long time. We usually think of simply 'meeting' these people and maybe asking a little about their lives etc. But we have forever!! That means you don't just have to leave at 'meeting' them, you can actually get to really know them, become their friends! Now, I dunno bout you but that is just super duper COOL...:D
Well, in the new world my dear friends, you won't be seeing me for hmm...maybe a 100 years or so-I'll be too busy with my new friends!hahaha:D

SO? Who are you itching to meet and shall we add become their friend??:)

Just LIke SARAH

2012-01-06T09:32:00.004+08:00

Sarah has always and will always be my favorite woman in the bible. Shes the imperfectly perfect example of what it means to be a woman..an ideal mother, ideal wife and loyal worshiper of Jehovah.She is an example of what REAL beauty is-love, loyalty, faith, courage.If there is one person I wish I could be like, it's her..^_^ Pretty soon, me gonna get myself some one on one tutorials from her on how to be just that-"A Godly Woman and a Precious Wife":)

If you were mine♥

2012-01-05T13:12:00.005+08:00

This is something I heard over some radio show. The idea was to complete the sentence: " If you were mine_______" Well, here's what i'd say...

If you were mine, you'd wake up every day wondering what silly, fun, exciting, new things I'd be up to that day. ( yep, you'd be addicted but hey, so would I...:D)

if you were mine, I'd tell the world how great you are ( even if you aren't, you would be in my eyes..;)

If you were mine, you'd want to spend every second with me ( did I mention you'd be addicted?:P)

If you were mine, I'd treat you like a king ( I'll keep the details to myself...)

If you were mine, you'd brag about me to your friends (you tell me why...hahaha)

If you were mine, I'd be everything you dreamed of ( you'd forget any other girl you've ever known-OR ELSE..:D)

If you were mine, you'd want to tell me everything on your mind (coz you know I'd remember everything you say....)

If you were mine, I'd make sure you keep your figure (I'm vain about mine so flab just won't do...lol)

to sum it all up:

IF YOU WERE MINE, YOU'D BE THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE....^_^

Am I exaggerating here? Nope.. I know myself. And I know what I'm capable of especially when it comes to someone I love.ehem2x.... In fact, the rest of the list shall only be discovered by whoever gets to say 'I'm hers' and 'she's mine'...(cheezy much?)

Ready to die?

2012-01-05T13:10:00.000+08:00

There are only two ways we can get to paradise: 1. Keep integrity in this wicked world and if the end comes in our lifetime, get to survive into the new world. 2. To die and get resurrected.

Road #1 is probably what we all prepare ourselves for-the great tribulation, staying faithful etc but I've realized that road #2-the one we seldom think of (who wants to think about death right?) is in a way much more probable than the first. Why?
Think about it-though we can witness so many signs, nobody knows when the end will come. Though there is a chance it will be in our lifetimes, the fact is-we could easily die before we witness it. Sometimes, we think of death to be caused by old age or some sickness. We always picture ourselves with families, settled down, maybe with kids, growing old.....but I just realized that our lives can be cut short ANYTIME..that death can overtake us without notice.

Unforeseen occurrences are become more and more rampant-floods, earthquakes, crime, accidents-anything can happen and anyone can be a victim. Coming to think about it, there have been quite a few witnesses who have been victims of such lately. A landslide took one or two witnesses, then came the flood which took another three...It's something we must understand-we are not exempted from these disasters, we have no special 'protection'..

Our protection lies in our hope..I dunno, it's just that the thought of being 'ready to die' has been on my mind a lot recently. So am I ready to die? I'm not sure...And how about the world? Is the world ready to lose me anytime? I wonder...I wonder who would be heartbroken if anything happened to me.. I wonder who'd regret not caring,....

Well, enough of that...I'll just live, laugh, love and treat everyday like it was my last...:)

Those who care

2011-12-28T12:51:00.000+08:00

I'm going to call this the ultimate 'mahay' post. Because that's just what it is...me or should I say 'us' (with a few friends involved) 'hurt' in a way at people's 'lack of concern' should I say..

In times like those , you find that the most 'unexpected' turn out to be the ones who 'show they care' and ask you how you are. Those who were miles and miles away, even in other countries had the time to ask about us...Yes, prayers were a big help but at such a time, we all really needed comfort and 'sadly' should I say, not many were REALLY there even those who could've been and we 'expected' to were nowhere to be seen.

We kept on thinking: "Since they didn't even bother to text, how about if we had died ? Would they even know?" It's not like we're 'soliciting comfort' but c'mon!! It was all over the News, international, local-everywhere. The simple fact that we live in the city should have been enough to get them even a little concerned. Couldn't they spare a second of their time just to make sure we were ok?

Then we argue: they must have heard from others that we're ok so they didn't bother. hmm...not very nice. Whatever happened to 'personal interest'?

And even if we said 'we're Ok', couldn't they read between the lines and imagine what we were going through? It somewhat 'hurt' to see 'friend's' act like nothing had happened and go about their lives not even bothering to ask if we're alive.

Maybe we're overacting? Are we? I mean, it was the main headline for the entire week! I just can't seem to believe that someone couldn't care enough to ask about not only ME but the other brothers...

Anyway, gladly, we were too busy to realize it then and now that we have-it's too late....maybe they were just too busy to care..maybe, they did care but didn't show it...maybe they had their reasons....bottom line-NAGMAHAY MI...T.T

Lessons

2011-12-28T12:30:00.003+08:00

Sorry guyz but it seems for quite some time, all my posts will be about the flood. The trauma, stress, and everything in between has taught me a lot of lessons. They may not be new but they are proven personally.I just have to let it all out...

1. Live simply. Everything...literally EVERYTHING-cars, furniture, fancy TV sets, expensive clothes, gadgets was useless and ended up as junk after the flood. The less you have, the less you have to lose. Not to mention the easier the cleaning job afterward. If I ever have a house in this world- I'll only have one set of plates and cups (I'll get paper plates for parties) and minimal furniture. Accumulating wealth is just NOT WORTH IT. All your years of work and saving gone in a single night.

2. Don't look back. Many of those who lost their lives had already left but returned for some reason. Some to make sure the house was locked, others to get some valuable they forgot. When disaster strikes, forget about everything else and just escape with whatever you have on. No life is worth whatever valuables that were saved.

3. Listen and Obey. Sadly, the story of the 3 witnesses who lost their lives goes that they were warned many times, even visited by brothers to tell them to leave but they failed to heed their warning. Before they knew it, the water was too high and they had no way out. They were found inside their house-dead.

4. Pray and Pray. It's amazing how all the brothers who survived said that they didn't cry, they just PRAYED and PRAYED. That's what gave them a calm mind to think of a way out-that's what saved their lives. While others were panicking, they were praying. Some stories are 'unbelievable'. You'd never think of doing such things but they did simply because they prayed.:)

5. Jehovah provides abundantly. Many of the brothers who survived escaped only with their lives. No house, NOTHING. In the beginning, we were wondering how we could take care of all these brothers. We'd already used whatever funds we had and provided for a day or so but what then? Jehovah's hand is not short, in fact this is an understatement.

When relief goods started pouring in, there were times we thought it was the last truck, container van but brothers just kept on sending! Up to now, we have no idea what to do with the clothes that arrived-all the brothers have already probably changed their wardrobe and we still have tons of clothes! Rice? Maybe 20 sacks or more...noodles and cans? Boxes and boxes..the relief center couldn't take all the goods-we now have a '2nd center'!

5. Love abounds. We are not the only organization that had relief operations. In fact, almost everyone I know in the city was involved in some sort of relief. The only thing that sets us apart is LOVE. We take the food, water, clothing to the brothers homes while they pass it out on the streets. We wade in knee deep mud just to help cleaning their houses while they shake their heads and take pictures. These are things only Jehovah's organization does. Brothers had tears in their eyes whenever the goods were delivered- Jehovah was providing for them daily. Neighbors looked on and admired the love ONLY we show.

6.The end is near. In the public talk last week, Jesus words in Luke 21:31 was emphasized. "When you SEE these things ...KNOW the kingdom of God is NEAR". I've heard it on the news, seen it on TV, read it in the paper but actually SEEING it is some kind of a 'jolt'. The end is indeed extremely near. It's nearer than we think. Meaning? Personally, I realized there is really no time to 'worry' about things like love, marriage etc. Whatever happens, happens and weather we are ready for it or not, events are in motion leading to the end of this world.

7. What really matters. This was emphasized in the funeral talk of the 2 SP's. The speaker said that they had 'built a good name with Jehovah' and were 'safe in HIs memory'. How about me? Can I safely say that If I die I will be 'safe in Jehovah's memory'? Well, it's double time in building that name for me now:)

8.Power beyond normal. There is definitely no way any of us could have done what we did without extraordinary strength. At times I wondered if I would be able to wake up to another day of relief operations, I felt my body 'giving up'. I wondered how our brothers could still have the strength to do their talks and conduct the meetings. But amazingly, all of us stayed fit enough to continue, all of us somehow had strength for the day.We just joked that 'we were running on the power of the Holy spirit' because our physical bodies were overworked and there is nothing else that could have kept us going for so long.

Well, nobody should have to experience what we did to realize these lessons. If there's a good side to being able to, it would be drawing closer to Jehovah and his organization, realizing how crucial our times are and how close we are to eternal relief=)

..words fail me..

2011-12-28T12:29:00.003+08:00

Where to start? I've lost my sense of time since that day. But I'll try and put this together as chronologically as I can. Friday night it happened but the horrors started Saturday morning. I was still half asleep when Kuya Dex called from the gate..."Emz, there's been a tragedy. People are dead, lots missing and I can't contact some of our brothers...ASAP go to the Kingdom Hall and wait for instructions". No time to think about breakfast and off to the KH I went. That's where I heard all sorts of stories. That's when we all turned into Zombies-no time to eat, no time to think, no time to feel.

Finally our ride came and we jumped at the back of the pickup off to our sisters place. Any words that we had just weren't enough to describe what we saw. Everyone on the street covered in mud. Barefoot with expressionless faces. Some with bloody wounds, cuts and bruises. Some crying looking for their loved ones. Men, women, rich, poor, foreigners, animals- whatever barriers existed where broken-disaster creates such equality. The entire city in shock. No smiles, no talking just silence and tears.

When we arrived at the 'affected area' where our sister lived, we were preparing for the worst. Maybe we'd find them all safe..I prayed that they were. Their house was among the first to be hit since it was relatively close to the river. The houses quite far were devastated- I couldn't imagine how theirs was.Then was the stench. Dead animals everywhere-a pile of pigs here..a pile of dogs there, a horse stuck by a pole. Not to mention the two corpses pulled out of the river while we were there. People sitting outside what used to be their home clearly not knowing what to do, where to start.

Gladly, she and her family were safe-covered in mud, in a state of shock but safe. They somehow made their way to the rooftop during the night. But the house...

TV, internet-the media in general can portray facts and live footage but they can't portray feelings. I do shed tears when I read some sad, tragic story or watch it on TV but the emotions I felt then were too much for tears. None of us cried. I'm sure we wanted to but we couldn't. There was just so much to be done, others where homeless, had lost loved ones-crying wouldn't help. Our bodies just switched to zombie mode-work, work, work-do what has to be done...eating when we were reminded to.

People asked me how I was doing and I just answered "I'm OK". I was not OK but I didn't know what I was or how I felt and 'OK' seemed to satisfy them anyway. The truth is my heart literally ached (not Over acting here), I couldn't relate any story without breaking down in tears, I choked, holding tears back whenever I heard survival stories. I was barely holding myself together-we all were.

Everywhere you go, that's all you hear-how people watched their neighbors disappear with the current, how a mother accidentally let go of her child and watched her cry 'mamaaaa' as the waters took her, how families were separated and still couldn't find each other. In jeepneys, everyone just stared at nothing, absorbed in their own thoughts.

At meetings, brothers had to pause, silently sobbing when they prayed. Songs were sung 'softly' everyone trying their best not to cry but tears still run down our faces. Nobody was prepared and few hands went up. Everyone was trying to absorb the material and comfort themselves. It was just too overwhelming-even in the positive sense. Witnessing how Jehovah's organization responds in such situations and how Jehovah really takes care of His people is more than words can describe.

Sleep came hard. I'd lie awake at night exhausted but scared to fall asleep and have to wake up in waist deep water. I'd keep on thinking how I'd get to the roof if ever it happened. I'd be replaying in my mind all the stories I'd heard and putting myself in their shoes. Would I have survived? Was I 'ready' to die? Would Jehovah remember me if I did? Could I live with such horrors in my mind?

Days passed fast. I can't really remember what happened from Monday to Friday. But I do remember the Comfort talks where on Tuesday. Supposedly for those 'directly affected' by the flood but we all needed comfort and how many dry eyes there were afterward-probably none. It's like everyone wished they could stay and just be with Jehovah's people so they did stay up to really late. It felt like a mini assembly during the thousand year reign, just after Armageddon.

I sometimes wish people really understood how it feels to be in such a situation but at the same time I'm glad they don't.

Is this normal?

2011-12-15T16:24:00.002+08:00

'I wish I could have a NORMAL life!'. I've found myself thinking that a lot. For some reason, I feel like this is not how a 'normal' girl my age should live. That my life is far off from being normal. After much speculation, I realized this:

What exactly does 'normal' mean? Should I be away from home at the peak of my career with my own house? Or should I be married and starting to raise a family? Or maybe a spoiled daughter who doesn't have to worry about working, who can get whatever she wants without any sacrifice? Can these be considered 'normal' situations?

True, I may have experienced things that not many people that age have but it's not like I'm the only one in the world who has. And true, many others are in totally different situations but many others are in my shoes as well.

I have concluded that my life is normal after all. I am what I am and where I am by choice-that makes me normal. That 'normal' simply means what your life is at present. Unless you have some disability or chronic disease that hinders/prevents you from doing things others could if they wanted to-YOU ARE NORMAL. As long as you have the choice to change your circumstance whenever you like-YOU ARE NORMAL.

So if I end up away from home, with a family or whatever other scenario you can think of, then that would be normal as well. :)

24

2011-09-30T15:38:00.005+08:00

There is much one can learn in 24 years on this planet. It may be in the friendship area, lovey dovy part of life or some other aspect. I think most of the lessons we learn though have to do with family life. For 24 years I’ve stayed with my family and have observed a lot of things that I will now put into writing. I don’t know if they are true in the absolute sense but they are simply my vision of what goes on in the mind of a married man and woman. (char!)

When a man gets home exhausted from a day at work, all he WANTS is a ‘hello kiss’ with a ‘how was your day’ follow up. This is HIS time. You are now to make him comfortable, get him relaxed, get his stomach filled and listen. You can share your day later. IT is NOT the time to remind him about all the bills and whatever is on your mind…that can and should wait. He needs some quite time.

When a man wants to spend time with ‘the boys’, it doesn’t mean he’s ‘irresponsible’ or ‘less of a family man’. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like your company. It is just him being a MAN. In as much as he loves you and all, he must spend time with the boys. This is what makes him a man. This is what keeps him SANE. It is your job to find something to do and let him and his boys enjoy the bottle.

When a woman asks which dress to wear, she knows you really don’t mind. She’s only asking because she values YOUR opinion. If you really don’t have any ‘sense of fashion’ just pick whichever she seems to like. It’ll make her feel like she’s dressing up for you. But YOU MUST PICK!

When a man is in a bad mood, SILENCE is the best policy especially when it has something to do with you. You must give him time to cool down. He isn’t a woman who loves to talk about feelings.

When a woman is in a bad mood because of something you said or did, it usually isn’t really about that. IT’s all about how what you said or did made her FEEL. Women are all about feelings. You don’t have to apologize for whatever it is you did or said if you were right but you CAN and SHOULD apologize for how it made her feel.

When a man tells you you’re cooking sucked, he is just being HONEST. There is no need to be dramatic and give him the silent treatment. He didn’t mean to deride you; he was simply speaking his mind. This is the part where you ask what’s wrong and promise to do better in the future. No justifications.

When you’re talking and your man says he’s ‘tired, he means he wants you to SHUT UP and give him a back rub. Women’s blabbering can get on men’s nerves. It’s not that he’s not interested in what you have to say, it’s just more of a ‘not now’ cue.

When a woman corrects you about the way you leave your shoes in the wrong place or don’t close the shampoo cap, they don’t mean to nag. They are simply trying to keep the place neat so don’t take it too personal. Just be a good boy and put your stuff wherever she wants it put and apologize while your at it.

When a woman gets moody beyond the normal, blame the period. A woman is entitled to be a nagger, emotional wreck and get on your nerves at least once a month. Everything done or said here is not counted. And you, the man should simply let it pass.

I could go on and on but I’ll leave it at this….Nobody can have a perfect marriage in an imperfect world. So will these observations be of any use then? You’ve got to start somewhere right? So I’m starting with head knowledge. ..I’ll see where to go from there...

Girl Break

2011-09-28T18:40:00.003+08:00

I love my girls. They're fun, enthusiastic, spiritual minded, fun..fun..fun..But it seems I always have to get some break from them. Well, we spend practically the whole weekend together from preaching to lunch to extras afterward but it sometimes gets..how to put it-'annoying'/'irritating'? Not in the super negative way just in the 'i need a break kind of way'.

Sometimes they come up with the 'silliest' jokes that even I-a fellow girl can't get. It's a Sunday lunch break moment, when I get out of the Kh, they're laughing like crazy. And i mean literally CRAZY! When they explain why, I can barely fake a smile. It just seemed to be one of the 'silliest' things to laugh about. And it seemed that I was the only girl around who thought so..Until the guyz came out and we just looked at each other in amazement..

It was like being with another species!And i'm thinking 'if i'm a girl, aren't i supposed to be on that side of the planet laughing like crazy as well?' But I just couldn't- there was simply nothing 'funny' about it...Gladly, the guys thought so too so I temporarily 'changed gender' here.

Then during the after preaching moments, we're watching a Russel Peters show which is a huge LOL,and viola- only two of us girls stayed..and i was seriously laughing my heart out.. The others simply couldn't get it and walked out..Now what's with that?? Am I on the 'wrong side' again?

I dunno, I really dunno. I love my girls, but there are times when one needs a 'break' that only guys can give.

Girls (I don't know if this is too much of a generalization though) can be kinda crazy sometimes while guys always seem to be able keep their heads together..Girls know how to have fun but sometimes their fun isn't funny at all..

Well, I'm just glad to be able to enjoy the BEST OF BOTH WORLDS..^-^

The MAN in ME

2011-09-28T17:48:00.002+08:00

There is something that I keep proving to myself over and over again. Along with this verification comes the question-'why'? 'why am i like this'? and 'is it a good thing'? Here's a scenario that happens all too often with me:

Me got guy friends right, not close but let's just say 'acquaintances' like the 'hi, hello' kind. Probably only know their names then for some reason, I still can't understand, they suddenly decide to 'open up' to me. Out of the blue they spill all the beans on their lives (not like I even asked). Usually, it happens when they've got some problem (usually GIRLS-GF's etc). I'm like 'hi..' (end of conversation) then they suddenly go 'emz..me and my GF..blah blah blah..'. And I'm like 'ok2x..did i ask? do i even know you?' Off course I don't say that but i definitely think it..

Somehow, guys tend to view me as some huge button that you push and talk to whenever the going gets tough. When it's over, you simply push it again...(Is that a compliment I wonder?)

Now the sad/weird thing here is that I just become the 'thing they push and talk into'. Ok, I'm a lot more interactive than that but what I'm saying is that it's ALL ABOUT THEM....and I have to listen(I'm emphatic..)At the end of the day, i could write a ten page bibliography about them while they probably wouldn't be able to do a paragraph about me.

I'm not talking about a single incident here, this is like 'part of my life'. It happened in high school, it happened with my workmate, it happened with someone I just 'officially' met...and it's gonna keep on happening...

My question is 'why'? what exactly do guys see in me that just makes them want to tell me everything? Even without asking!!

I guess they see the 'man in me'. Talking to their guy friends bout stuff could get kinda 'gay' i guess so where else do they turn to? Obviously to me-someone they don't really know, don't necessarily like but someone who's there..(make any sense?)To them it does...

I'm thinking it's neither a good thing nor a bad thing. I've learned to detach myself from emotion in these cases and just sincerely listen (that's usually all they need). When it's over, we go back to our 'hi' 'hello' relationship-no problem.

Well, maybe I could become a 'man psychiatrist'someday-their brains are far less complicated than a woman's..but for now, I'll just wait for the next 'patient' to come along..*_*

Wise Vs Indecisive

2011-09-22T15:47:00.002+08:00

I’ve been staying up a lot lately and one of things that has busied my mind is: “Am I indecisive?” Yes, I do like to do a lot of self-examination and this is my latest issue. Why does it seem that I’m so into ‘something/someone’ this minute (a couple of months) then I’m totally over it/them and into something else in a snap? Isn’t that what being indecisive means?

Well, after a lot of tossing and turning I have realized that there is a huge difference between being or trying to be ‘wise’ and being ‘indecisive’. The latter would make a decision hastily then come to his senses and try to undo it or find a way out. I don’t think I could be considered this way at all! In fact, I may even be quite the opposite. I tend to ‘test the water’ a number of times before deciding to jump.

Ok so you like me..And I guess I like you too. But I don’t jump. I give it time but all the while people think that I’ve somehow ‘decided’ already. (Probably coz I’m Blabbering all the ‘good stuff’ about it to my friends-have the tendency to see all the positive sides of a person) then it happens. The “big bang” and I decide to tip toe slowly away in the opposite direction. Then people notice and I explain… Do you really expect me to continue on a course has shown itself to be ‘fuzzy’? That may sound like being ‘decisive’ but it’s rather STUPID- a word I don’t want to end up using to describe myself..:D

So NO! I hereby declare myself not indecisive but in a way wise. And yes, I do have ample proof that my ‘tip toeing’ away was for the better. A few have ended up with let’s say-’not so happy endings’ so I’m surely glad I jumped off before the ship sank.LOL

I don’t care that I’m kinda getting ‘older’ and with my ‘giving it time’ and ‘tip toeing’ way of doing things I may end up ‘free’ ( so-called ‘single for life’ )..But I definitely don’t mind (not that I prefer it though-kind of ‘sour grapes’ line this is .hahaha). Call me ‘picky’ (im really not by the way:D) or whatever you want. I’d rather stay single than ‘ruin’ my life with the next ‘crazy’ guy that comes my way! But if he’s not crazy then……

Pain

2011-09-22T15:46:00.001+08:00

Pain and hurt are some words many of us dislike talking about but ironically are interwoven in the web of life. In most cases, these words have a negative connotation to them. Everyone thinks that hurting, is bad and is one of the things you should avoid. I disagree.

Experiencing pain, sorrow, breaking your heart, and all other ‘negative’ emotions related to pain is in a way-healthy. Pain teaches us to become better people. It molds us into who we are. It is a ‘necessity’.

You get your heart broken; you learn to be more careful with other people’s feelings. You realize how easily you can wind up being the cause of someone’s hurt. You lose a loved one; you learn to treasure everyone you have with you. You know how loss feels. All these valuable lessons, learned with PAIN’s help.

Am I saying you can’t be careful of other’s feelings or understand loss if you haven’t experienced it at all? That would be a hasty generalization and a false statement as such. Though we don’t have to experience everything firsthand to understand or learn from it-there is a lot Pain can teach that mere stories or experiences cannot. Pain has no substitute.

In this world, pain seems to be a universal language. In fact, it seems to be one of the things that transcends all things and unites humanity. The ability to feel another’s pain is indeed a gift endowed only to us. Like with any other gift, it should be cherished.

Still, pain is not ‘natural’. By this I mean that we were not created with the intent of experiencing pain. Nevertheless, being in our imperfect state, pain has found its place. So, while we await our perfect, painless lives, let us learn from pain. Let us embrace it for will soon be a thing of the past.

...Disgusting ...

2011-09-15T16:07:00.001+08:00

I can’t help myself right now. I’m sitting next to a lady in an internet café and all that’s on her screen are windows of YM and so many cams. Hey, I’m not spying ok, we’re just so close and don’t tell me you don’t glance at your neighbors screen when you’re in a café??(defensive much?:D)

This is definitely disgusting! She’s like selling herself to all these guys online…gross. A minute ago, she fiddled with her blouse and I really don’t wanna know what that was all about. Now she’s busy with her typing, playing with her hair and basically trying to be seductive. She’s definitely not pretty but how can a woman stoop down to this level?

The guys are probably telling to do all kinds of ‘stupid’ stuff. “smile, stand up, show me this and that” GRRRRRRR…and the response is all ‘you’re very nice..i like your smile…I like you…’..I’m trying to figure out who I should be disgusted with-the guys or the girl?

How can people be so so…desperate!! I mean, it’s downright gross. More on the girls’ side. I mean doesn’t she get that these guys are pervs? That they’re simply ‘playing around with her’? Or does she like it somehow because she’s got some attention deficient?

Why can’t people do things the ‘old fashioned way’??? Meet someone nice, get together, date, whatever?? Is it money? Fun? I just don’t get it!!!!!! Fooling each other, I mean who would even find it ‘amusing’ or ‘flattering’. Each of them probably has lots of windows open and is chatting with so many at the same time just like she is.

Money? Maybe that’s what it’s about but still-has the world really become so degraded that anyone would trade their bodies for the ‘right price’? I wonder if they even get the money. Who would be so stupid to even send a stranger money?? I bet the ‘guys’ have a big laugh when she complies so stupidly and then asks for the money …LOL Serves her right!!

GROSS, DEGRADING, SICK, OFFENSIVE and all the synonyms you can think of. I’m so tempted to ‘trip’ the switch ‘accidently’ and put an end to this …or say something like ‘Miss, do you realize you’re spoiling every Filipinas name there…??’ .Gotta get outa here FAST before I throw up...

HE made my SUNDAY

2011-09-14T14:10:00.010+08:00

I’m fond of reading life stories of all those amazing transformations that people undergo when they accept the truth and make changes in their lives. It’s not that it’s too good to be true but sometimes it seems like they only happen on paper. Like you only get to know those people on the printed page. This is probably because they aren’t stories you hear every day. Well, Sunday is the day I realized how wonderful Jehovah is in giving chance for ‘all sorts of men to come to an accurate knowledge” of him. It’s not like I doubted it before but sometimes being able to really talk to a living example of such makes a huge difference. Here’s how it goes:

It was an ordinary Sunday afternoon and I and the girls were in the park doing our Chinese lessons. When we were done, for some reason we didn’t leave right away and just decided to sit down and relax. Then this guy-Ivan walked up to us and asked:” naa moh Bantayanang Torre” (hope got the spelling right). So we all searched our bags and got out Watchtower’s. He then started telling us his story. It went something like this:

He was a former snatcher, thief (climbing houses and all), and alcoholic…basically a CRIMINAL. Well, indirectly, he got hold of one of our mags-it was placed to his Lola- and started reading. That was way back 2008 (if I remember right).

Anyway, he went on with his ‘criminal life’ but always made it a point to ask magazines whenever he found witnesses. Then it happened. When snatching a cellphone, he had to pull out a knife. As he put it: “paghuman know ug dagan, naghinuktok jd ko ky kahibalo ko na sala jd ni. Naa jd toh sa Bible”. So he decided to go to confession but afterwareds “igon nila dpat maau ila paminaw pg human, ako kay wala jud..mrag bugat pa kaau ako pamati sa akong gibuhat”

So he continued with his ‘criminal’ lifestyle when one day, after snatching some item, he took refuge in the park. An elderly witness sat next to him and started preaching. Again, he accepted the magazines.

It seems somewhere in this stage-he couldn’t continue what he was doing. He quit his ‘job’ and became a laborer tending to the plants in the park. Whenever he had the chance, he got our magazines. He decided to change his life. Quit all his bad habits (he wouldn’t go into detail so probably drugs, girls and the lot) recently quit drinking (as in TOTALLY since he was an alcoholic) and is currently quitting smoking.

Now I just found that amazing. He was able to do all this without any study conductor to point him in the right direction, without the help of the congregation and just from what he read in the magazines. Jehovah indeed draws people to him.

The big issue he was facing was that he feels ‘unworthy’. He says, his mind keeps saying “hugaw ka..hugaw ka”. We tried reassuring him but he said “ pag abut sa judgement day, ok ra jud sa ako kung didto ko sa daotan ibutang..sa kadaghan sa akong gi himo-mkasabut jud ko. Dawaton nako unsa ihimo sa Diyos sa akoa..basta ako lang karon-mausab ko. Dili ko mag expect na iforgive pa ko…”

Back to the story, he mentioned that a witness promised a bible study with him and they were to meet in the park last Thursday. He was there, waiting but it rained so the witness didn’t make it. He was busy trying to describe to us this brother but we really couldn’t tell who it could be. Then, this brother ‘X’ walked right up to us and Ivan was so shocked. “nara siya oh!..mao ni ako pasabut!” Mark (the brother’s name) was in the mall he explained and was about to go home but somehow decided to drop by the park even though it wasn’t his schedule.

Now I was getting goose bumps here. It’s just like our job was to keep Ivan Company for the meantime so that Mark could find him in the park. AMAZING INDEED…
So Ivan kept on with his ‘I don’t deserve’ talk while I frantically flipped through my Bible trying to find that text about ‘sins as red as scarlet will become like wool…”..Revelation was it? Or maybe….?? I just couldn’t find it! (grrr..wala pa sa akong list of memorized text eh..) So I whispered to Mark if he knew it and he did.

ISIAH 1:18.I will never forget that text now. I gave Ivan to read. When he was done, he paused for a while and his face just lit up. “wala jd ko kahibalo na naa d I ni na texto sa bible..karon pa jd know ni na basa..naa pa d I ko pag asa bah! Basin maforgive ra ko sa Diyos!"

It seems our ‘job’ was done. Mark was going to start a study with him so it was ‘exit time’. It just didn’t feel right to ride a jeepney home that day so I took the 30 minute walk instead. People must’ve thought I was crazy or something walking alone smiling (maybe even talking) to myself.

All I could think about was WOW! Jehovah doesn’t really ‘need’ us to do the job of ‘drawing people’. The magazines, the bible and the Holy Spirit are more than enough. But he does. He uses us imperfect; sometimes even ‘unappreciative’ humans to help his sheep. What a GRAND PRIVILEGE we have...May we never take it for granted^_^

And one more thing i forgot-He shares everything he reads in our magazines with his 'workmates'.:)

..It just 'CLICKED’….

2011-09-12T16:04:00.008+08:00

It’s natural for us to want to feel cared for, loved and appreciated. This is how we were created. This urge is evident no matter ones’ age and maturity has nothing to do with it. The ‘journey’ to finding that ‘special one’ is long, fun, achy and part of everyone’s’ life. There is no ONE person that was ‘meant’ for you. There is no ‘DESTINY’. The bottom line is-YOU CHOOSE WHO YOU END UP WITH.

As to whether you are a ‘good pair’ or not, “many shoes may fit”. Again-it’s choice. No matter how much we pray about these things, we know we don’t expect Jah to put a special ‘X marks the spot’ on the one that would be right for us. In the end-it is OUR choice.

The problem is that many will come and surely catch your attention. Yep, in my case-I’d say this is absolutely true! It’s like I’m minding my own business, being busy in the ministry and off course praying about these things and then ‘BOOM!’ someone comes along! I’m like ‘ahmm…so is this it? He’s ok..etc….’ then comes the big BUT..but he’s…but he’s…So I decide to ‘stop looking’ at him and get on with my life.

Am I looking for perfection I sometimes ask myself? No, I guess not. It just so happens that for some reason or another, these guys end up ‘lacking’. Sometimes it’s not even a ‘lacking’ more like me having a ‘realization’ whereas other times it’s a huge ‘lacking’. At least, from all these experiences(not like they are so many though..LOL), I know myself better.

I can’t ‘endure’ someone who is soo all over me, - ‘US’, ‘LOVE’..and ‘ME’ are the only things he talks about. ..( 143, I miss you..you are so…143.143..-cute but not my thing)..I don’t like being the one ‘cared for’ even scolded for my ‘’unhealthy habits’..Oh cumon’ I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF THANK YOU!..LOL. I can’t stand having to explain so much for them to ‘get’ me. ..’hello, can we please tune in to the same wavelength…’..I can’t stand guys who treat ‘all girls the same’. ..’oh so so and so knows that too..and I thought I was kinda special!..bye bye…’..I can’t love someone who can’t last long in a conversation on spiritual matters…’goals, hmm…what spiritual goals..?’

Well, what i need just 'clicked'- Someone who has a life of his own, who doesn’t need me to somehow validate his existence. Someone who I can Care for. Someone who understands me and who I understand. Someone I can relate to without having to give so much ‘background information’. Someone who isn’t a ‘girl magnet’. Someone who loves to talk about spiritual things.

Bottom line is-I doubt if I can or even want to start from scratch with anyone ‘new’ (just met) now. I realize that my ‘ideal’ SOMEONE must be’ SOMEONE JUST AROUND THE CORNER…He may be ‘nearer than home than I think..‘♥

Is love all that matters?

2011-09-09T14:29:00.001+08:00

‘I LOVE YOU’. What exactly do those words mean? I always thought that they meant that that person knows you inside and out, has accepted all your weaknesses and loves you for what you are. Assuming that’s true, what reaction is expected? Is it safe to say that just because someone loves you, you ought to love them in return? Or at least give them a chance? Or does it mean that you should be willing to ‘throw away’ everything you’ve come to know just because they love you?

Many girls agree that when a guy really, really, loves you, you will be able to learn love them back. That no matter how ‘ordinary’ you may view them-their LOVE for you will be able to change everything. I have found something seriously wrong with this line of thinking.

The focus is on LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. Is Love really all that matters? Aren’t there other aspects of a person that you ought to consider? In fact, aren’t there more important things such as spirituality that should be part of your decision?

I’m coming to think that LOVE isn’t really blind but LOVE can MAKE one blind. It’s so easy to be overwhelmed with all the love you are receiving that you ‘neglect’ or end up ‘blinding’ yourself to more important issues at hand. You may easily end up allowing yourself to ‘feel’ something for someone just because of all the love you’re getting and not for any ‘solid’ reasons.

I have come to conclude that there is in fact something very dangerous with ‘so much ‘LOVE. If someone is willing to do ANYTHING for you, you may be flattered at first but is that really a good sign? If all a person can talk about is their LOVE for you, should you get that tingling feeling? Should you conclude that ‘he is the one’?

NO! LOVE IS DEFINITELY NOT ALL THAT MATTERS. Yes, love will always be there but it shouldn’t be the only thing you see. It shouldn’t be the only reason you make a decision. It should not be the only basis for your relationship. In fact,it is one among the 'least' things to consider.

Learning To Trust

2011-06-28T17:06:00.002+08:00

There are many things I've learned in life. But it seems on the process of learning these things, I've also UNLEARNED some things as well. One of these is how to TRUST. I just can't seem to bring myself to believing that not Everybody out there is bent on 'hurting' me. Not everybody is 'pretending'. That some people really are SINCERE and deserve to be trusted.

What has made me this way? My heart is like walled up with all kinds of high security-it wont let anything in anyhow. My mind has become overly protective of my heart.Whatever actions it sees,no matter how 'touched' my heart may be, my mind doesn't allow it. Like saying "don't be fooled..don't feel anything..you remember the pain, you don't want to go there again.."

What's the solution? My mind must be convinced that this person can be trusted. I must have no doubts whatsoever before I decide to trust. The problem is this is quite impossible. It always has to be a gamble. You always Have to be willing to loose.

I dunno, i really dunno what do do about this trust problem. I'm trying, really trying to TRUST but I'm not there yet. No matter how many reasons I already should have for trusting. No matter what people say-I can't force myself to TRUST YET.....

I must try and convince my mind to lower it's self defense. I must try and allow my heart to feel...I MUST LEARN TO TRUST!!

Because if I can't trust, How can I love??

Loss

2011-06-20T10:10:00.006+08:00

We all know we're living in the last days. We know tragedy is part of these times. We know we aren't exempted from sickness and death. But the fact is, this 'knowing' doesn't mean we are READY for whatever unforeseen occurance that may befall us. It's not a matter of being 'strong' or being 'mature' but simply being human.

I just can't seem to get over the sad news of the passing away of a friends' father. I was ill when my bro told me and all I could do was hide under the sheets and let the tears fall. All I could think about was how I would feel if ever that happened: The pain, disbelief and shock just dawned on me.

Fathers and daughters share a special bond nobody may ever understand. The truth is I still don't know how I would react if ever anything happened to my father. These tragedies aren't things you can be ready yourself for. They just happen without warning. There is no PLANNING for them coz they come at a time we least expect.

If there is anything positive tragedy can teach us it's that the new world is at hand! The more trials we face, the closer we are to our eternal relief. Still, being able to live without someone we hold so dear to us in these hard times may be a very big challenge. This feeling of loss is something we may empathize with but never really understand until we face a similar loss.

There is no planning for these situations. Nobody wants to keep 'negative thoughts ' of loosing people they love in their minds. But the lesson I keep teaching myself is that we can PREPARE ourselves for whatever losses befall us in this world.

We CAN use each day to bring praise to Jehovah. We CAN draw closer to our heavenly father. We CAN build our faith. We CAN keep busy in the Lord's work. We CAN show we are keenly waiting on Jehovah.

This way, if WE loose OUR lives unexpectedly in this world, we will have 'Stored up treasures' in the heavens and made ourselves 'rich toward God'. We will be safe in Jehovah's memory.

And if we suffer the LOSS of a loved one, we will have stored enough strength, built enough faith and developed a close relationship with Jah that WE WILL BE ABLE TO ENDURE...

After all, what's 70 or 80 years of suffering when compared to EVERLASTING HAPPINESS??NOTHING....

For now, I'll just keep telling myself:..."just a little while longer...just a little while longer....just a little while longer..."

In my eyes

2011-05-30T15:08:00.003+08:00

I see the ripple made by a raindrop on a puddle of water-I smile..I see some ordinary wild flower along the path-I smile. The way the sky seems to meet the ocean, the pure beauty of having green all around me-everything nature has to offer just leaves me in awe.

People who've known me for a time have really tried to figure out why I'm this way..Am I acting up or trying to get people's attention? THIS IS JUST HOW I AM..I'm going to explain why:

These sights may seem so normal and ordinary to many but when I take a close look at them, I see something else. All these scenes give me a vision of the future. I lone wild flower helps me see myself in a world surrounded by flowers of so many shades. Being in a place where green grass surrounds me with the ocean as a backdrop helps me see myself in a time when this won't be anything new..The peaceful, calm effect creation gives reminds me of how trouble-free we will be.

I pay attention to everything around me because it's my way of visualizing how things will be in paradise. Giving myself a taste of the 'real life' by treasuring every moment I spend around nature helps me 'keep my eyes on the prize'. It reminds me that the concrete I'm used to seeing in the city isn't what JH intended for us. That sometime soon, I won't have to travel far to get a taste of nature..

Not only do I think of the future when I'm in one of my 'escapades' but I learn more about JH...For me, the rock at Talikud island was Jehovah saying "Emily, I am your refuge...I am always here"...the crystal clear water said " I love you so much that I made this just for you to enjoy"...the green pastures in Samal said "Just hold on a while, I'll make the whole world as pretty as this" and the wild flowers said "I'll show you all the flowers I created if you stay faithful"..

So there you have it, If you're wondering why I suddenly seem to become reserved and suddenly give a 'woow' or 'look at that...' this is what's going on in my mind. I simply can't help it..

How about when the whole world is a paradise??Well, then I'll keep myself in Awe Indefinitely...^_^

Now I know

2011-05-27T17:06:00.005+08:00

I thought you simply were good with words online, that you'd never be able to do the things you said you would..NOW I KNOW, that you meant everything you said you'd do. That you aren't one of those who is just full of words.

I thought you were treating me like you do all the other girls..NOW I KNOW that I definitely am special to you and that you aren't afraid to show it.

I thought you wouldn't dare be cheezy in front of our friends..NOW I KNOW that you really don't care what others may think, that you are true to yourself.

I thought you would be just full of fun and games...NOW I KNOW that you have a serious side, that you know how to do 'grown up talk' and that you aren't just a joker.

I thought you'd be uncomfortable with me..NOW I KNOW that we really do get along and that you can be yourself with me.

I thought you took your ministry 'lightly', like a chance to relax..NOW I KNOW that you truly love the deaf and exert a lot of effort just to get the message across.

I thought I'd end up with the 'dominating' role like I usually do, that you'd join the list of guys who thought too much of me..who couldn't 'control' me..NOW I KNOW that I can look up to you. That I really am a 'girl' when compared to you.

I'm glad you proved me wrong on so many counts because knowing all this has given me a confidence I was always afraid to have...

Mentally Challenged

2011-05-10T17:51:00.003+08:00

I don't know about you, but I just hate conversing with people who seem to be on a different wave length! You try your best 'smart ass' talks and they can't rebut. That's just lame and basically the fastest way for me to say 'nice chatting with you but no thanks'..LOL

No, I'm not saying I'm smart or anything (people think I am though..ehem2x) but I do love being witty. I love twisting words, using up all my reservoir of 'trash talk' and love 'winning' intellectual conversations. But what I love the most is 'loosing' to someone who really does deserve to win. I love 'geniuses' who have their way with words and leave me checking out the meaning of words just to be sure I don't make a fool of myself.

My brain doesn't get much stimulation from my work so I need to keep it active with these intellectual conversations. I guess that's the role some people (you know who you are) have. Believe me, that is a very good place to be in my life;). The world, or should i say MY WORLD wouldn't be the same without you guys so thanks for sharing your brains and giving me a reason to use mine. I know I can be lame at times but hey, nobody was born with an IQ like yours so cut me some slack:)

So here's to all those who are able to tune into my wave length...>LOVE YOU GUYZ<

Working against your mind

2011-05-06T13:08:00.003+08:00

We sometimes like to think that nobody knows what's going on, like we are so mysterious that nobody will figure out how we really feel. The thing is, this usually backfires. The more you try to hide, the more you show what you are. The more you put on that 'i'm ok' pretense, the more people start thinking there must be something wrong.

It's like our minds somehow make up for this desire to be secretive in ways we may not notice. From the way you react to inquiries to the outlook you seem to develop in some matters-your mind finds an outlet! There's no escape.

The fact is, hiding, being secretive or simply keeping things to ourselves is somehow against our human nature. We need to have someone or somewhere to let out your rants and raves. We need someone to know what is happening. WE CAN'T LIVE IN OUR SHELL AND EXPECT THE WORLD TO GO ON, NOT NOTICING.

Our emotions can be likened to a bottle of soda. When you shake it, no matter how tight you try and hold the contents in,it finds a way out. Bottom line is, in one way or another, we are hardwired to be social.

Is it wrong then to keep things to yourself and carry the world on your shoulder? Wrong? No but is it Healthy emotionally and psychologically- Definitely not! You will only find yourself working against your nature.

Lesson: Don't try to bottle up your feelings too much or you'll be fighting a battle you can't win

Proverbs are coping mechanisms

2011-05-06T13:02:00.003+08:00

We are hardwired to be optimists, constantly rationalizing our decisions to make ourselves feel better about our situation. Our brains don’t like being wrong, we find ways to convince ourselves that the choice we made is the right one. At its core, a proverb is a survival tactic. These expressions keep us going.

But here’s the thing: proverbs are often contradictory.

To illustrate this phenomena, let's run through some contradictory pairings.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Don’t judge a book by its cover.
What you see is what you get.

Better safe than sorry.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

There’s no place like home.
The grass is always greener on the other side.

Sometimes, the proverb that you cite in a particular situation doesn't reveal what is happening, but rather, what you want to believe is happening. It is a coping mechanism.

CONTRIBUTED BY GLENUX

YoU Don'T KNow

2011-04-20T17:03:00.003+08:00

You keep trying to show that I'm special and I just keep waiting for you to get bored and walk away. YOU DON'T KNOW how many times I've been the one left behind. How my past keeps hindering me from trusting again.

You try to be sweet and show you care and I just brush you off, acting like I'm deaf. YOU DON'T KNOW that you put a smile on my face but I'm too scared to show it. That I've done all that sweet stuff before and just got broken.

You keep telling people you like me but I just keep convincing myself your attention won't stay. YOU DON'T KNOW that I've built a wall around my heart, that I've become so numb that I don't believe things that easy any more.

You act so interested in me and my life but I act like it's normal and treat you like I do any one else. YOU DON'T KNOW that I've gotten too close before and It only ended in tears.

You seem to know just what to say and when to say it but I assume it's coincidence. YOU DON'T KNOW that nobody has ever really been there for me. That I don't want to admit that you've found your way into my life.

I don't know if you should know all this. MAYBE, JUST MAYBE ITS THIS INNOCENCE OF YOURS THAT MY HEART NEEDS TO OPEN UP AGAIN..

Goodbye to you

2011-04-06T15:31:00.003+08:00

Everyone's been making a big fuss about the song I sang last Sunday "Goodbye to you" by Michelle Branch. I admit there really was a double meaning to it but didn't realize it was so obvious!lol Got me wondering why exactly I chose that song anyway...

The obvious reason is that I can relate to the lyrics. Yes, this is GOODBYE for good. There will be no more 'what if's' from now on. No more denied expectation. It's totally over now.

I always believed it was over a long time ago. That I had 'recovered' and I really had. But I guess it wasn't very convincing. Somehow, whether I realize it or not, something deep within me was waiting for him to 'come to his senses' and 'come back'. No matter what he had done in the past, I guess there still was a huge chance that I'd accept him.LOL

BUT NOT ANYMORE. After this, there is nothing that can be done. He will have to live with the consequences of his actions and I will have to stop my wishful thinking for good. For sure, there is no way I would ever accept him now and I know there is no way he'd even try.

Not that I'm having any regrets. In fact, as time goes on, I keep on proving to myself how right the decisions I made were. Not that I'm happy with His situation but It just helps to finally realize that I'm not so stupid after all. I actually did the right thing and He isn't the one for me!

SO there it is: "GOODBYE TO YOU, GOODBYE TO EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I KNEW..YOU WERE THE ONE I LOVED, THE ONLY ONE I TRIED TO HOLD ON TO.............."

Undercover

2011-03-27T18:30:00.004+08:00

So called 'secret relationships' seem to be popping out all around me these days. Maybe He doesn't think SHE will be accepted in the family, maybe SHE has strict parents and is dating behind their backs-maybe it's a little bit of both. Personally, I just don't get why anyone would agree to go 'undercover'. LOVE?? I absolutely don't think LOVE is a good enough reason!

Think about it. If HE loved you, shouldn't he be proud of YOU?So proud he'd show you off to His parents, friends and confidently say :this is....my Girlfriend, the girl I love or whatever line he has? In my book DEFINITELY YES!! There is no way I'd really love someone who wants to hide me. That is outright shameful!

But then, there may be situations when you think the 'secrecy' is for your own good. Maybe it's because of some cultural or religious boundaries that you are stepping over. Maybe he really wishes he could show you off but he can't. In that case, maybe the hiding has a purpose. Still, the fact is all these MAYBE's are very seldom.

Well, I guess I don't expect couples to be as showy as I'd be if I was in their place but I surely don't get why they hide it. Why they act like 'just friends' in public. I mean, how can you treat someone special so normally?

It's really not wrong but I find it deceptive. Letting everyone know is a protection in so many ways. On top of that it makes you feel loved, secure...etc..

I can't control anyone's life but my own. I hereby promise I'd never ever hide anyone I love. I will(note the future tense used..LOL) Facebook it, twitter it, myspace it, blog it and whatever networks are developed by then:) Nobody will have to ask me who I'm 'with'. It'll be so obvious, even the dumbest person will understand. Just being Cornie? Nope-Just being ME^_^

Oh, and I'll expect the same to be done for me obviously...:D

The Terminal

2011-03-13T20:56:00.005+08:00

I've been visiting the terminal a lot lately. I can't help but get this 'mixed emotions' feeling whenever I go there. It seems the terminal can be one of those places where you want to cry and laugh at the same time. Where beginnings or endings start. Simply a place where everyone seems to be busy in their own thoughts.

You're there to fetch someone you haven't seen for a long time.You anxiously look at every bus that passes by. All you can think about is 'i wonder how he/she's changed'...you can't wait to be reunited. Finally the bus arrives and you give each other a warm embrace.

Then when it's time to part, you take them to the same place that you were so excited to go to. Only now, you regret having to go there. You know you have to part ways. The problem is the time you spent is too little. If you could, you'd ride the bus with them at the instant. If you could, you'd wish it'd rain or something would happen so you don't have to part ways. But this is how things have to be. The terminal now becomes a place you really hate.

I guess you have to get used to terminals. They seem to bring both joy and sadness at the same time. They are full of love and friendships. The teary eyes, silent conversations and warm embraces of sweet reunions or sad goodbye's make you stop and think. Think about who you will have to take to the terminal next. Or how it would feel to be leaving all you ever knew.

My lesson from the terminal is simple: Treasure every second you have with all the people you love. Change is inevitable and you never know how drastic your relationships may change, who you may end up missing and how much you may regret everything you didn't do when you had the chance.

Never say Never

2011-03-01T17:44:00.002+08:00

One of my friends(more like idol)is no longer a servant of Jehovah. When I heard the news, I simply couldn't believe it. All I could think of was "how come?".."how could he?"......"he was so strong...." and so on...

Then I remembered. I remembered the lesson that I swore I'd never forget.

NEVER SAY NEVER.

Many years ago, I 'looked down' on those who had privileges and ended up rebelling. I simply could not understand why and how such a thing could happen. I would tell myself "that would never happen to me". I would never end up like 'them'. I would never commit a grave sin like 'them'. Yes, this over self-confidence was part of me.

Then with an experience I'd rather not go into details with,it nearly happened to me.It was then that I learned my ultimate lesson. That it could happen to anyone of us. NO matter how 'strong' no matter how mature or well-spoken of you may think you are, you may very easily find yourself in a situation that you'd never imagined yourself being in. It takes one false move, one wrong decision and you'll have made the biggest mistake in your life.

So instead of thinking about all the 'Why's and 'how could he's". I empathized. I understood. I understood how he had fallen pray to Satan's trap. How he surely regrets his actions and how this discipline may bring him back to his senses.

And it taught me my lesson all over again. Never to feel too 'safe' and 'mature' that you feel invincible. To always keep yourself away from temptations and to continue building yourself up with 'fire resistant material'.

Blink

2011-02-24T16:07:00.000+08:00

I open my eyes to the smell of the wet cement floor.Everything seems so dark and blurry, I can bearly see. My eyes are swollen and from the way my face feels, I'm thankful there's no mirror around. I don't know the day or the time but I've woken up like this so many times now. I'm hungry and thirsty. I don't know the last time I had a real meal.

"Think happy thoughts!!" I remind myself.And so I do. I think about the time I found my first bible study. The way her face lit up when she heard the truth. ..."How is she now?" I wonder. I think about the Kingdom Hall full of kids laughter, everybody's troubles put aside.I rememeber the tears of joy I shed when my lil bro became an MS or when my lil sis got baptized....How I miss those days..

The pain in my stomach is getting worse now. My whole body is throbbing in pain. I have to think of some other way to keep my self busy. "I know, I'll sing Kingdom songs!" ......'our reasons for joy are abounding....'...I try but my voice comes out in squeaks. I'm too weak to even sing. "Nevermind! I'll sing in my head then..."....'Jehovah is my father my God and friend..' ...Jehovah God my strength renew.....'....lalalalalala.....time passes....I can't remember anymore. How I wish I memorized more songs. Tears are pouring down my face.

I hear the door open and someone pull me to my feet. I can't make out a face.I hear something like.."this is your last chance..." I'm led on a famiilar path, i know where I'm going. I've been there countless times."Please help me endure this again" I pray.....in my mind i start singing again...'he'll guide you and protect you as he has all along, yes he will make you firm, and he will make you strong..'. ..I'm much calmer now...

I'm forced inside, I loose my balance and fall to the floor. The big man is talking now, he goes on asking:"Where do they live....what are their names...." I'm too weak to try and explain my stand again so I stay motionless on the floor...His approaching me now,voice raising:" ANSWER ME OR I'LL....." His fist or maybe the palm of his hand nearing..Then blackout.

I open my eyes to the sight of a many boots.NOthing seems familiar this time "Where am I??".Maybe they've decided to let me go!Positive, always positive. When they see me move, one pair of boots approaches and pulls me to my feet.He's trying to tell me somthing but I can only stare at his lips...'who will save you now?'...is all I can seem to get.

I'm led outdoors, the sun is too bright and i try to shield my eyes.I see a familiar figure.no two figures...Is it really them???They seem to be waiting for me. I wish I could run and embrace them but i can't.our hearts are embracing.. we just smile.a lonely tear falls accross my cheek...I join their line and we are made to face the wall.

Loud voices, guns loading."READY"!! I look to my right, then to my left..and close my eyes.. "FIRE!" Blackout

I open my eyes to the smell of fresh grass. "this is new, I think".. Smiling people surround me and ask for my name. When I tell them, they lead me by the hand down the hill.. when my eyes adjust to the light, i can finally see my surroundings.

GREEN, everything is just so green.NOw I understand. I stop in my tracks, my legs give way and I'm on my knees. Tears are flowing down my face, my lips are quivering but I can't talk..The people around me are crying too.My heart overflows with praise and thanks to Jehovah .

I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE IT!! IT WAS ALL OVER IN A BLINK OF AN EYE..

(setting-during the great tribulation)

DEAR DIARY

2011-02-04T19:07:00.003+08:00

It's a rainy Friday night. I'm alone but can't seem to take the smile away from my face. Just a few days ago, I thought I was the loneliest girl in the world. I had just so much emptiness in me I wanted to go to the terminal and get the first bus ride. The only thing I could think about was what now? How am I to live without the person I spent so much time with? Who will be my preaching partner?...

Then my every ready self defense system went into action. I prayed and made up my mind to keep all kinds of negative thoughts out! I declared that day the last of my emotional ones. I made arrangements to preach every single day this week and I did!!

There is so much 'loosing' someone can teach you.For one, that there are really a lot of friends that you have around you who can help you so you really are never alone. That sometimes it takes such a 'loss' to help you appreciate what you have and the people around you.That you can emerge a better person from such an experience.That maybe this loss was 'good' in a way and made me do things I never did before. And most of all, nothing can compare to the power of PRAYER.

I hereby declare myself a new person. I will stay positive no matter what. I will treasure the people I have around me. I will keep busy in the never to be repeated work. I will learn to wait for the right person at the right time. I will remember that in Jehovah's organization, there is really nothing like 'goodbye'. Above all, I will make JH my best friend.He will always be there..

I'd Say

2011-01-28T12:44:00.003+08:00

No matter how outspoken you may be or how showy you may be of your emotions, i think each one of us has many things that they have't said. Whether it's to someone they love or a member of the family, there are definitely some words that are always left unsaid. I for one know that there are many things i'd love to say to people in my life. I really don't know why I haven't said them yet, but at least if I say it here, It'd be a big load off my back:

To my BFF bro I'd say:
I know I seem to keep on criticizing you and you probably think i'm your number one critic but hey, that's what siblings are for. The truth is I idolize you and I'm probably your number one fan. I think you are the best reader, best chairman, and have a great voice. I can't tell you this coz i don't want you to get big headed so for now, i'll keep it to myself.

To my BFF Hany I'd say:
I really regret being so 'hard' and 'emotionless'. I wish I let you brush my hair, massage and do whatever you wanted to do before. I know you know me well but i still wish I was a little more caring, a little more sympathetic and a little more emotional.

To the guy who makes me laugh I'd say:
You may not realize it but you never fail to put a smile on my face and I'm ever thankful for that. I really wish I had the guts to be a little showy before it was too late but I was too scared. The truth is despite the distance, I really wish you were here.

To the guy I loved before I'd say:
I honestly never really got over you. I'm sorry if this is why you seem to try and distance yourself but I really wish you didn't I wish you would treat me normally, i wish you would answer my texts and I wish you could tell me why you've changed so much. If I could turn back time, I wouldn't change anything I did and I'm still thankful I realized how much I could care for someone through you. SO million thanks for that.

To the girl who got the guy I'd say:
I'm sorry if I can't seem to get close to you. The bottom line is I really am envious of you. I know you've gone through much more than me and therefore 'deserve' him in a way but I just can't bring myself to be close to you. Still, I really hope all goes well with you both.

To my lil sis. kay I'd say:
There are so many things we have in common. I just wish we'd be more open with each other and stop acting so strong. I wish we could be closer than we are. I can't help but see that we seem to be building up walls to try and keep ourselves inside, secure and out of reach from the world.

Well, there you have it. I know this is probably one of the corniest posts I've ever written but I really don't care. It's the only way I can express myself so what can I do? I may have said these things here but I really don't know if i'll ever be able to say them in person. Why? Coz I really believe that saying some things cause too much change and this is not something everyone is ready to deal with. That is why some things are better left unsaid....^_^

CHiKens

2010-12-06T13:32:00.005+08:00

There's something that I've come to realize lately-how much you know someone isn't the basis of how much you'll miss them. (this is gonna get a lot cheezy..so read on at your risk)..there are times when you simply get along with a group of people. It's not that you necessarily share soo many things in common, or that you know what they're going through or any stuff like that but you simply have the grandest time of your life with them. Y?? I have a couple of theories:

Theory #1: Personalities. Maybe it's because the combination of your personalities created a jigsaw puzzle effect-you came together and formed that picture that made you all smile..You just could be yourself with them without worrying about getting any raised eyebrows or criticizing whispers..

Theory #2: Circumstance. Maybe it just so happened that you needed a breather that time and they were the ones who gave that to you. You were stressed and they were available to help you unwind..

Or maybe it could be a little of both coz for sure things wouldn't be the same if you were with some other group..Like one of mois famous sayings: "it's not the place, its the people you are with that matters"...

Well, the fact is-I MISS THEM!!! (i know they miss me more :D:D:D:D.LOL)I really can't pin point the reasons but I will say it again-I MISS THEM LIKE I'VE NEVER MISSED ANY ONE BEFORE...(over n dyon..ahahaha)

FeAr

2010-11-03T22:05:00.003+08:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and listening as well.Someone kinda insinuated that i could have been in a relationship by now if I wanted to. It's because of my in a way letting that person get someone else. I can't deny its truth. In fact, I've discovered that this cycle has somehow been repeated! So, the question I was left thinking of is why??

It always starts with friendship and It seems that I tend to have the habit of starting to like guy friends after a while. Then comes the time when the 'friend' starts to like some girl. off course, I know all about it. This is the turning point-my reaction to his admiration will determine how things end up. What do I find myself doing?? Being a super good friend, advising, etc. In short, giving the "i'm so happy for you" view.

I know I've known him for a longer time, i know at this point, we're closer that he is with the girl but I act like the supportive friend.

Why? Why don't I show that I'm not at all pleased, that I would rather he be with me? FEAR. Fear of what? I really don't know. Of rejection? Of not really being sure of my feelings? OF failure? Of responsibility? Of possible heartbreak? I really don't know- maybe a little of everything. The point is-fear always makes me back out.

If its all about guts, i think I really do have that but when the 'turning point' comes, i choose to give way and let someone else 'get' my friend. What next? Well, I unintentionally find myself furthering myself from him. Why? Again-FEAR.

This time i know what I'm afraid of: I fear that keeping my attachment, closeness will only cause me to 'fall further'. My thoughts might be something like: "now you have her, you don't need me". I just can't keep the same level of closeness- I simply don't trust myself!

Whether my actions are right, i really can't say. The truth is, sometimes, I truly miss all the things we shared-conversations etc.But I force myself to 'get on'. Does this make me a bad friend? I don't know. One thing I've discovered is no matter how strong, daring I may look, I really am so full of FEAR..

Weddings

2010-10-26T19:23:00.002+08:00

Weddings are supposed to be a happy, fun time for everyone. In my opinion even the preparation should be enjoyable and stress free. It's been really crazy how much I've come to learn about all this stuff lately! How did it make me feel? Envious? I really can say NO WAY!

The fact that you don't have to experience something to learn is really true. There is so much more than the 'happy ending' that's usually on everyone's mind. The wedding day, though being so short actually does take a lot of preparation. All of this puts a lot of pressure on both parties and instead of being that blooming, crazy in love, excited bride to be, you may easily find yourself loosing weight and looking nearly sad!

Hmm..a lot of things to think about huh? One things for sure, i definitely am not going to jump into anything too fast!! Whenever my turn comes, I will be the most stress-free, happy, blooming...etc bride-to be in the world! LOL...For now, its time to sit back and enjoy the ride before price charming sweeps me off my feet...hahaha...]

Letting Go

2010-10-05T14:52:00.004+08:00

At one point in our lives, we all have to let go. No, i'm not implying that I've letting go of someone i Love. Love is in fact not the only thing you have to learn to let go of. It may be anyone or anything that for some reason must be 'set free.

Friends sometimes need to let go of each other. This can be really hard. You've just spend so much time with each other that you can finish each others sentences but change simply must be respected.

Change is what often forces us to let go of people. Sometimes, no matter how much we'd love to keep each others company forever, we cant. Maybe they've become a bad influence on us and we must protect ourselves by letting go. Or perhaps, circumstances change like they're getting married or changing residence-maybe even both! Whatever the case, sometimes, we must swallow hard, shed a tear and move on.

Its interesting how letting go can affect us. The people you have around you greatly make up who you are. You can't be the same after someone walks out of your life. The secret here is to make it help you grow or else you'll be hurting for a very long time.

Off course you can still keep in touch and keep up with each others lives-that's what technology's for right? Still, things will never be the same.

Well, I guess you have to let each other go. Accept the fact that you're friendship has to change and that you're entering a new chapter in life. This I believe will prove how true a friend you really are. Holding on is very selfish.The art of letting go isn't something you can read about or even learn from others. It's something we all have to gain the mastery of and understanding that it's part of life is harder than we think.

A time to Cry

2010-09-29T19:30:00.002+08:00

Its sometimes so hard to understand why people say the things they do. No matter how innocent their motive may be, it's simply very hard to take it as that. More often than not, you'll end up retaliating with similar hurtful words. I seldom get hurt, in fact crying is definitely not my way of solving problems but there is a time for everything right?

So, here i am admitting my latest tear shed very recently. THe reason as always being my bro. Coming to think of it, i really do understand why the person said what he did, it was pure concern. In fact, i really couldn've done the same if i were in his shoes. But then I ask myself: why did it hurt so much?

My answer is this: THe truth hurts.Sometimes we know the truth but prefer to keep it somewhat 'hidden'. Not that we literally hide it but we go on with life and do our best not to think about things that will hurt us. Then all it takes is a little word to bring our world tumbling down. We wake up to the reality and are forced to feel all the pain we tried to keep inside.

These instances aren't bad in my opinion. It depends of course on the person you're dealing with. I'm strong, I know I am so it really does take a lot of words to cut my heart. The problem is when it does happen, I can't seem to stop the tears from flowing.

SHould I really be hurt??Definitely Yes! He's my brother, i want him next to me in paradise, i want our blood lines to continue forever! It does hurt being made realize how grim my dreams really are. But it is bound to happen sometime and now isn't bad timing after all.

Anyway, the bottom line is this:People sometimes say things without realizing how they will hurt you. It doesn't help getting mad. THe best you can do is swallow the words down, cry your heart out to JH and keep smiling...

Pioneers and Love

2010-06-08T14:19:00.003+08:00

I received this funny text message about the difficulties that RP's face. It all started with the usual-shoes, bags, work, finances etc but guess what the first one was??LOVE!! With the question:"haven't you noticed?". It definitely seems to be so, but why?Why are the people who try to keep their focus on spiritual things the ones usually 'out of love'??

Maybe it's because they're too busy with their lives. Busy balancing secular work with preaching. Busy striving to get their 70hours that LOVE is the last thing on their minds. Maybe that's the impression people get, something like "She/He has no time for me, so why try?" So are they 'missing' a lot of opportunities with this 'busyness' of theirs?? Definitely not! There is certainly no comparison to the happiness they gain compared to any 'love life' they could have had.

Maybe it's because people have so 'high' regard for them that they say to themselves:" I'm not good enough for him/her. She/he deserves someone better". Like they somehow 'scare' people away with their spirituality??Well, here's what I have to say about that...If a person feels you are 'too' spiritual minded for them, they aren't for you.Why? The basic thing that both should have in common must be spirituality! IF they view you as 'too high' for them, guess what??They must be right and if you really think of it, you probably won't find them compatible after all. A really spiritually-minded person will look for someone alike.The kind of people you attract are a reflection of who you are.

Whatever the reason, lack of 'love' isn't really one of a true RP's problem. In fact, it's one of the last on the list.And if you equate being an RP to ending up w/o Love, you're making one of the biggest mistakes in your life! COZ pioneers are the happiest people I know:D

ChaNge

2010-06-01T19:20:00.004+08:00

"Nothing is constant in this world except change". Ironically though, it takes time and a little thinking before you really see how much change has happened from when you last checked. I'm taking that time now and marking it in this post as the day I realized how much yesterday is different from today.(char)They say you should start with yourself and work yourself outwards, so I'll do that.

How much have I changed:

* I don't turn my head at every 'handsome' guy that passes by (yap, I used to!LOL)
* I can spend all my money on everything and everyone without getting anything for myself with no problem at all
* I can resist the urge to 'text'/ 'call' someone (whom I'm not supposed to be calling/texting) and leave my phone unattended
* I can survive a whole week without sleeping over at anyone's home ( ie.Staying at home for a whole week.AMAZING!!)
* I can do all the house chores everyday by myself without complaining
* I can make and stick to a schedule
* I can last a day without mentioning any guy (I like ...A MIRACLE!!:D )

How much 'others' have changed:

* People don't 'tease' me with every guy that comes along.
* People aren't as 'curious' as to my 'love life' as before
* My 'lil bro is having his first 'crush'..LOL
* My X-BS is now my constant preaching partner ( a very efficient one..)
* People I considered as rather 'immature' are on their way to maturity
* Friends I couldn't 'live without' are now left with 'hi' and 'hellos'

Is it that people change because you changed first? Or do you both change simultaneously?Wonder how I can find that out..Is change good?I guess so. I think we all grow up and that's something none of us can change. It's sometimes fun to think about how naive you used to be. (I can't help but smile when I read some of my past posts!!) CRAZY ME! Well, change is something that's here to stay so we all better get used to it, enjoy what we have now, laugh at our mistakes and look forward to change.Why?? Because though some things never change, some things may never be the same...^_^

Facebook

2010-05-27T14:07:00.003+08:00

I don't know anyone (no wait I do, but only one) who doesn't have an FB account.You may think it's the 'in' thing for youth today but even mothers and grandmothers are getting into the FB world!It's a great idea-keeping everyone connected, getting in touch with lost friends and relatives, being updated on people's lives etc.You can post pictures, play games, chat, name it-FB has it. It's become like the ultimate 'all in one' application package. I must admit, it does start out as innocent fun but ask yourself-what site do you open first(gmail and Ymail not included)?What site stays on your browser come what may?What site do you log into when you get home(after work)?And what site is the last one you close when you finally decide to go Offline?Yep FB FB FB FB on all counts!So what?Well, its useful yes but I'm starting to think and have drawn the conclusion that whether we realize it or not, it's a very time consuming and distracting habit.Yes, it's fun, really fun but sometimes we have to learn to 'work first and play later'.Coming to think of it, why else would FB be blocked in many company's?There's a time for everything.

That brings me to my next 'case study' on the subject.I theorize that FB is actually addictive.This is one addiction that has no rehab and in my opinion will be one very hard to quit.How to diagnose yourself? Try not logging in to your FB account for a week.(I'm diagnosing myself right now) and if you can do it 'no sweat', fingers not itching to type 'facebook.com' on the browser,mind not filled with thoughts on what are the latest updates and who might have inboxed you, then CONGRATULATIONS!But if not?well, time for some self therapy I guess.Remember "too much of anything is bad".Anyway that being said, back to my Facebook abstinence.

Put it on Paper

2010-05-24T14:14:00.005+08:00

I've never been the type who puts everything into writing, makes daily 'what to do's' or checklists- I used to find it a little corny and just not my thing.Anyway, I decided to try and guess what-it makes a difference.There simply is a big difference between thinking things up in your head and putting them into paper.Like if it's just in your mind, you can easily 'delete' and get on with life but once it's on paper, every unaccomplished thing is a failure, a solid proof of your mismanagement.Once you get things on paper start to realize just how much time you actually have on your hands (I ended up running out of things to do) and how to make the best use of it.You get to think of all the things that should be a daily habit but somehow you don't seem to find time to fit them in.Once you write them down and start doing your very best to follow through, you get a unique sense of satisfaction.Like your day wasn't a waste and you used every single minute wisely. Well here are some of the things I've been able to do with my new 'finding':

>read at leas one chapter of the Bible daily
>read the day's text
>get the house clean before 10:00am
>do laundry
>prepare for all the meetings
>do research

It's only been a couple of weeks and I know it'll be harder to stick to it as time goes by but you'll never know what you can do unless you try right?So this is me trying to stop my 'come what may', 'unplanned', 'spur of the moment' life and start being a little organized.You're only young once, so if you don't do all you can with your time,you might wake up one day finally planning to make the most of your time but finding yourself with back pains, failing vision, a weak heart and every thing old age brings and realize it's actually too late.^_^

Happy Ever After

2010-05-23T15:14:00.006+08:00

It's a fact that probably every girl alive has some idea of their perfect wedding, ideal dress, romantic getaway etc.It's also a fact that many rush into marriage with this fantasy in mind.I think children s' fairy tales have a lot to do with this, every story ends with a 'and they lived happily ever after'-something that couldn't be further than the truth. It's about time people realized that you're not in some 'dreamworld' waiting for your Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet and take you to your palace.There's no such thing as a 'perfect' partner and marriage doesn't end in a 'happily ever after'.So just how are you supposed to know that you're all grown up and not living in a fairytale world?Is it age?Well, that definitely plays a part but there really is something more.I think there's no such thing as being totally prepared.Sometimes, you don't know what you're doing and end up in the middle of something you didn't bargain for.We all grow up and change our minds and goals multiple times a year but if you find yourself committed but somehow not so ready do you have the right to back out?I guess it depends on the reason.If love has nothing to do with it and you just want more time to enjoy single life, I guess that's not good enough.In fact, if your willing to sacrifice all those 'wants' and stick to your commitment, you actually are showing that you actually are ready for a lifetime commitment.Anyway, bottom line is.Think a million times before entering any relationship, if you find yourself into something and change your mind?Again think a million times.No marriage is full of bliss but you just might find yourself living a 'Nearly happy ever after' if you make the right decisions.

FYI-post was by request so absolutely no personal issues involved..heheh:D

Doubts

2010-04-18T03:48:00.001+08:00

Nothing we decide to do will have a 100% success rate.We don't actually really know what the result of our decisions will be.Of course you evaluate, meditate,plan and do everything in your power to come up with a final decision but it's always a make or break.Some things you can't forsee and only realize once you're there.If you can change your mind and back out-great. But some things are more permanent.Weather you take the chances or not all depends on your motive and how strong your desire is to do it.If your motives are pure,unselfish and desire strong-nothing will stop you and you'll be ready to face anything.

Sometimes, you know what you have to do but don't do it.Maybe it's a fear of change, or uncertainty of the consequences or maybe simple procrastination that usually goes too far or perhaps you get too comfortable with your current lifestyle and situation that you forget to make the change.No matter how noble or right the decision may seem,you always have second thoughts-'what ifs' cloud your mind and peoples' reactions start to cause you to doubt the logic in your decision.What then?Deafen your ears and convince yourself over and over again that you're doing the right thing.

So am I having second thoughts?I wouldn't be writing this if I weren't:D Am I making the right decision?Definitely Yes.Am I sure of success?Not really.Do I have everything planned out?Nope.So what exactly am I thinking then if I have all these doubts?I'm making time for more important things, I'm keeping my promise, I'm 'testing' JH,I'm simplifying my life ,I'M DOING WHAT IS RIGHT..it's now or never *_*

Lyrics | Elliott Yamin Lyrics | Can%27t Keep On Loving You Lyrics

Love is

2010-04-16T05:50:00.001+08:00

Everyone has there own definition, explaination about Love.I think we can find love all around us, you don't have to have any 'special' someone to realize how much love you have and can give in your life.You don't have to say or be told "I Love You" for you to feel loved.We should understand that love isn't really all about 'romance' and the opposite sex, it's simply caring and being cared for, thinking about others more than yourself, giving and taking,being there for people who need you and having a shoulder to cry on when your down.It can be shown not only by red roses and chocolates but even by handshakes, hugs and smiles.It's felt not only by having'goosebumps','sparkling' eyes or daydreams but even by the smile on your face right now or the next time you laugh or just by knowing you're not alone in the world and that anytime you want to talk, there are people you could call who would listen. Sometimes, you just have to stop and take a close look around you to realize how blessed and grateful you should be for all the love you have in your life.*_*

Time

2010-04-09T05:52:00.001+08:00

It's amazing how things can change in such a short time. Before you know it, people have come and gone in and out your life.Kids you used to carry and spin in the air are now almost in High school.It's like you wake up and realize everything has actually changed! 'Pains' you thought would never heal are now mere memories that you sometimes laugh at.People you thought would be there forever are nowhere to be found.More ironic is how time can even 'heal' our occasional 'crazy' love interests-in a blink of an eye, you don't know what was so 'perfect' about him anymore! Yep, time is a great eye-opener.Where would we be if we 'got lost in the moment' and didn't wait for some time to pass??Probably in some disastrous relationship?Married to a wrong person...something very, very regretful!So, am I regretting anything now? NOPE!Just like things wouldn't be the same if you hadn't waited, things wouldn't be the same if you did anything different.You wouldn't be the same person.I've got a motto on that line-"don't regret anything you did, remember it made you happy at one time":) They say 'only time will tell'- I've just understood this.There's nothing we can do to change time, at least we can make sure we don't waste it, we treasure every one we've had the chance to be close to in the past, hold dear the people in our life at the moment and look forward to what life brings in the future^_^

BroKen StrIngs

2010-04-07T04:24:00.000+08:00

Don't ask me why but I can't seem to get enough of this song by James Morrison and Nelly Furtado. Sorry, no time to give my detailed sentiments:)Just listen to it........

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again but you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you it's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else

Oh
It tears me up
I try to hold on but it hurts too much
I try to forgive but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh
The truth hurts and a lie's worse
How can I give anymore when I love you a little less than before

Oh
What are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire when there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train when it's too late

Oh
It tears me up
I try to hold on but it hurts too much
I try to forgive but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh
The truth hurts and a lie's worse
How can I give anymore when I love you a little less than before

But we're running through the fire when there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train when we both know it's too late

Too late

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I cant tell you something that ain't real

Well truth hurts and a lie's worse
How can I give anymore when I love you a little less than before

Oh
Yeah
Yeah
I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again

If i were a boy

2010-03-25T05:03:00.000+08:00

I'm sure we've all heard Beyonce's "if I were a boy".It just got me thinking:

"If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man"

All girls think they'd be better men if they were given a chance.But I think thats only because we're girls and know what we need so we think we'd be better boys.Maybe we forget that boys were born boys.They've never known how it feels being a girl, never been 'hurt' the way girls hurt and don't really know exactly what to say and do to make us happy.In fact, they must think we're so hard to understand and we probably think the same.Why?Coz we also have never been boys!!How are we to know why they act the way they do?Why they care today and seem to ignore us tomorrow? Why they simply don't seem to get the basic fact that a little 'sweetness goes a long way'?

Well, I guess it's a tie then.If only guys could be girls for a time and girls-guys.Then they'd finally understand each other and the world would be a much better place.:) BUT since that would only happen in our dreams,how are we supposed to understand guys and they-us?I dunno..One thing I've learned though-don't beat yourself up girls!meaning?STOP THINKING!! STOP ANALYZING!!(not that it's bad but we just over do it!..why didn't he...,why is he...)Believe me,it makes life a lot easier.And to boys??START THINKING! (at least try..why didn't she...;)The difference?Girls usually have a reason for everything(ie.we've got issues!!) So? So everything she(we) does actually has some 'hidden' meaning!!(uhuh..everything she did/didn't do has a reason!!scary huh?) whereas you guys are a little 'care-free'.Almost everything you do is really 'no big deal'.

My point:since we can't change roles/genders literally,maybe we can try thinking like the opposite sex.Girls be a little more 'no biggy' and guys a little more 'concerned'.Who knows?We might meet somewhere in between.Not that I'm an expert or anything-I'm simply a girl doing what i do best-thinking too much.&_&

Dreams

2010-03-23T02:35:00.001+08:00

Do you remember your dream last night? I find it amazing how dreams can be so realistic! I think they are in a way a part of our subconscious mind.A place where there are no boundaries,where we make the rules and where our real 'dreams' come true or 'fears' come alive. I know you can't decide what to dream of but I think you do have some control over them, like if you're facing an important turning point let's say a competition, i bet your dreams would be of either winning or loosing.In short, we don't just dream anyhow but our situation, concerns are all a part of what we dream.Maybe that's why they are sometimes so realistic-because they really can happen and perhaps are what we'd like to happen or are fearing would happen.

The people or characters in our dreams are also 'based' on our lives. I can safely say my family, friends etc are almost always in my dreams.Most times, the person/people I'm concerned about or thinking about at that time are the 'main' characters in my dreams.And my 'story line'? hmmm...things I wish would happen ;)

Isn't it good that you don't usually remember your dreams?Some things better stay in 'dreamworld' don't you think?;) And it's even better that when you do remember, only you know what you dreamed about? There's no way I'd let anyone in my head!!(the things they'd see, the secrets they'd know!!lol) My dreams are one of the very few things I get to keep to myself so find yourself very privileged if I ever share any of them :D @_@

What If

2010-03-19T04:05:00.001+08:00

I think it's all too common for us to take for granted the spiritual heritage we've been handed.But have you ever asked yourself what if you were just a 'normal' worldly kid and someone knocked on your door offering a magazine or something would you accept it???Think real, real hard...well??

I think about this often and have concluded that I might have accepted it since I like reading and it was free.But how about when they returned?Again and again?Trying to establish a BS?Who's to say I would be 'touched' by what I read?Or that something would interest me?Yep, I'm quite sure I would 'back-out'. Even if I did accept, I really don't think I'd make all the changes needed.Why?Coz, I'm pretty sure I'd be a 'wild', 'independent', 'party-goer' kinda girl.

Coming to that conclusion, where would I be now?A drug-addict? Maybe with two kids and no father?Or maybe still at school struggling with my grades?Worst still, maybe in jail for some crime?I dunno.For sure, I'd be lost, without purpose, unhappy, discontent, with loads of problems, hopeless and definitely with a very dim future.

But thanks to our spiritual heritage, we haven't had to 'taste' the world, we have direction, purpose and a bright future.:) It might be somewhat true that those who 'find' the truth on their own are more 'focused', more appreciative of JH's organization etc and that we sometimes take things for granted.But it is equally true that they were so close to not becoming one of JH's servants.There are a lot of 'what ifs' that could have changed everything-for the worst!On the other hand we have had the privilege of not having to 'experience' the world to know it's dangers. Not having to be 'chin-deep' in irreversible circumstances before coming to our senses.The list goes on......

How about being less 'focused', 'appreciative' and taking things for granted? It's all about appreciation.You have to take time to really think about all the "what if's".You'll come to realize what a rare privilege we have that we should be forever grateful for.*_*

EVERY SINGLE DAY

2010-03-18T00:30:00.000+08:00

I know I've said i love Sundays and Thursdays.I'm having second thoughts,with the way this week is going, I just might end up loving every single day!!Why?Nope, I'm not crazy over some guy (i think)-gotta give myself a break from that! It's because I've preached every single day since mm..Sunday I think.Have you tried it?? It seems I've forgotten how it felt until now and I'm loving every part of it.

It somehow keeps you reminded that this is no time for 'games', no time to be concerned over 'matters of the heart', no time to be 'worried' over anything and definitely no time to be 'busy' in the world.Like a constant 'alarm' telling you how close we are to the end, how much work there is to be done and how you should be spending your time.

It's the only way you'll feel exhausted but happy.The only way you'll 'forget' your problems (at least for a while) and the only way you'll realize what truly matters.Meaning? It's not what happened at work, not what bills are due,who your mad at or who you miss-it's that you're using your your time, energy and resources in JH's service:) Like the YPA video line: "Unless you use your life to serve JH, you'll always feel empty".Put it another way:"if you use your life to serve JH, you'll always feel contented and happy." The kind of happiness you'll never find anyway else.

Another thing-Isn't it amazing how you become of 'one mind' when at the door? How you can instantly think of a way to support your partner, how your partner seems to know exactly whats on your mind.Like you were literally one mind!

Well, we're young and strong and have so much to 'give' to JH!!Just the thought is inspiring-"GIVE to JH??" So, on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday I'm gonna be doing the best thing in the world!(try my best to)No more 'emo-days'-huge waste of time!(maybe I'll have some, just not so often;) Anybody wanna join me??I promise nothing more than complete happiness *_*

Nothing compares

2010-03-16T04:29:00.000+08:00

There are really many, many things that makes all of us smile.But if you were asked what was your ultimate 'high', what could get you out of any bad mood, make you forget your problems and keep you smiling for a long time, what would it be?? I'm glad to say I've found my 'ultimate high':) There definitely is nothing that compares to the happiness, satisfaction and contentment you feel after a successful preaching activity!!Don't you agree?It feels like the world stops for a while,and you're in a bubble floating in the air.*_*

No matter how everyone was probably tired from the whole day's work,surely had much on their minds,it's like they left their worries, concerns etc at the KH gate and walked in like they had the best day of their lives! Everyone being as positive as they can, holding back yawns and not mentioning hunger.Everyone focusing their mind on one Goal.That's the kind of unity you only see in JH''s organization and one of the things I live for.

Then theirs always the part of sharing experiences.Simply seeing someone excitedly relate what happened,with so much conviction just 'melts' my heart.You can't help but love them.:) When it's finally 'going home' time-there's always the feeling that you wish you could all go home together.That you never had to go separate ways so you could continue your conversation.It's like biding goodbye is as good as leaving your 'bubble' and having to go back to the 'real' world.

Can you imagine feeling that satisfied, happy etc every single day??Well, I've just reinforced my decision!!!I'm surely going to have no regrets!!&_&

Decisions

2010-03-14T04:09:00.003+08:00

I don't know about you but I sometimes wish there was someone to tell me exactly what to do every time.That I didn't have to think so much, that I didn't have to make my own decisions.Or that I was somewhat like a robot-programmed to do everything!Off course that isn't possible-our free will is one of the many things that separate us from animals and is a great gift.SO we all have to make our own decisions-sometimes big, sometimes small and sometimes huge!

I don't think I've made all the right decisions in my life- I guess no one has.There is one thing I've found out though:you always have to remember why you made the decision in the first place or else you'll get carried away and loose your focus.That's exactly what I think has happened to me and I'm hoping it won't happen again!Ok, what am I talking about?

Here's my analysis:Stopped school for full-time.well and good-I did reach that goal.But off course needed to support myself so applied for work-full time (8hrs a day).No weekends so I thought-"not bad".Then planned to do part time to avoid any hindrances of attending PSS but before I knew it, I found myself with another full-time job!This time including Saturdays!!Ok this is not good but I'm in a 2yr contract already-no turning back!!Then everything isn't really 'ok' anymore-can't preach Saturdays, takes a lot of effort to do weekdays(sleepy), and Sundays are ruined (from work).Can you see how far I've come from my original plans???What was supposed to be a means to support the ministry has become a full-time career-8hrs a day, 6 days a week, and a shift that sucks!Not to mention all the hassle to get leaves for assemblies!This isn't what I wanted at all!

Then came a 'WAKE-UP CALL'(PSS and District).It said :"Remember what's your career again??BEING AN RP!Not spending most of your time at work!How could you let your career suffer this much and for so long?"That was it-I made a promise/promises to myself and JH that come 2yrs-I'm done.I'll never apply in a company ever again.I'll never do 8hrs a day again.And I'll never let my career suffer ever again!

One thing left to do-follow up on my promise.My 'strategy'?Let a lot of people know of my plan, this way they'd follow up on me.Yap, it's been effective.Then one last thing-letting my office mates,supervisor etc know.I thought it would be the easiest part but it actually wasn't!Knowing how much you're still needed and how short they are on resources doesn't make anything easy at all!But I DID IT!!!yepey!!!*_*One more thing to do-submit my letter!!(find one to copy online.lol)

And how about all of my concerns? Assemblies,bros college..etc.....One text repeating to myself in my head:"...seek first the kingdom..all other things will be added..." ,"...seek first the kingdom..all other things will be added..." ,"...seek first the kingdom..all other things will be added..." :D

Smile

2010-03-12T05:18:00.003+08:00

There must be a lot of things and people that make you smile.I'm into emo posts these days so this one goes out to everything/everyone who makes me smile:) I don't think i really have to mention names-you know who you are;)Well here are some of the things or people that put that smile on my face:

>being served bfast/lunch in bed(spoiled:D)
>sunrise/sunset
>waves/sand of the sea (so tranquil)
>Flowers!(Fibonacci principle..ehem;)
>Soap and water
>walking in the Rain
>starry nights (shows how small and insignificant we are)
>getting early morning/late night calls:D (uhuh. i love my fone na!!)
>midnight talks with my bros
>talks with my fwends
>"hello's" and "Thank you"'s
>listening to the kids answer
>seeing the deaf at the KH
>birds in 'v formation'(it conserves energy)
>learning something i never knew
>listening to my fav. songs
>listening to encouraging experiences
>getting asked "how are you?":D
>seeing a BS become convinced

There are probably many, many more things that keep me smiling but these are the one's I can think of now, so they're also probably the ones that matter most^_^ So to all the people who keep me smiling-Thank for making me smile!!!keep it up!!lol

SImply being me

2010-03-10T01:44:00.001+08:00

Is there anything as giving too much of yourself to the world?Like there comes a point when you feel like you've got nothing left to give,you're tired of being the 'hero', tired of being the one who cares, tired of the one who everyone leans on.You wish that for once, you'd be the one on the receiving end, you'll be the one who needs a 'hero' and you'd get to lean on someone.It's not that nobody cares,- off course they do, maybe it's because everyone thinks there's no need to show it or maybe they don't know how.I really can't blame anyone for that-it's just the impression everyone gets-that I'm the girl who knows 'exactly' what to say and do, doesn't need anybody's advice, can take care of herself,can solve her own problems and has her life all planned out.Well,I can't deny most of those but just because I seem to have everything together doesn't mean I don't need anyone, that nobody needs to care or that I don't need a shoulder to lean on right?

Thing is if I seem to 'have everything together' how are you supposed to know when I need a 'tap on the shoulder'??hmm...does there really have to be a real reason to? You could just care randomly right?Coz there's no way I'm gonna act sad, down and helpless just to get people's attention!!That's sooo over the edge!ewwwwwwww......Or do you expect me to go:"hey guyz, I'm feeling kinda down right now, please encourage me"?Actually tried something like that but got a 'you know what to do' answer when I honestly DIDN'T!I really don't get why people think I'm so 'knowledgeable'?

Sometimes, I just need a little appreciation, someone to tell me 'it's all right' or 'you can do it'.Someone to text/call not to ask any favors but simply to ask how you are.Or to be looked for/missed when you're not around.Not always to be the comforter,encourager,one being asked favors.Makes me sometimes 'envious' of those with 'weaker' personalities-everyone cares for them,everyone's always ready to encourage them, give them a hand.But that also makes them sensitive, 'fragile so no thanks-don't want their life!:D

One of my silly 'master sometimes is 'disappearing' from the world for a day or two.Disappear?Not texting, calling etc anyone, not making any arrangements with anyone (dramatic huh?lol) just to see if anybody would ask if I'm ok or if anybody would notice I'm 'gone'.Unfortunately though, I end up missing them first and decide to 'reappear'!lol.Then there are times I wish I could literally 'disappear'.Purpose?Just for the world to miss me, to realize all I did for them so when I return they'd 'value' me more somehow.

so?What to do?Maybe I should stop 'giving too much' of myself to the world?The less you give,the less you expect to receive right?But nope, wouldn't work-giving,helping,encouraging etc makes me happy!Besides, my 'self-pity' feelings are really seldom.And off course I know JH sees and cares-that's more important than anything any human can show.Good thing I'm also very 'self-sustaining'-so when I don't receive the 'things' I need from anyone, I give them to myself:D So don't worry, until the world 'learns' or 'realizes' how to care or until someone comes along who does-Me, Myself and I are always there and know exactly what to do ;)

Last words: "it's not easy to be me" but you have to admit, the world wouldn't be the same without me;) so I'll have to continue to be me for the world :|

*end of emo post*

Memories

2010-03-09T00:48:00.003+08:00

I was checking my "box of secrets' recently-it's something I do when I'm sick of reading, can't sleep, have noone to talk to.It's amazing how time flies!And it's more amazing how people and life in general changes.I found some (actually a lot) of pics of people who back then weren't anybody special, just happened to be among my companions at the time but now are 'something' to me.I was a little surprised, like :"oh..i didn't know we were together here..this is way back 2007 or so!."lol.Then there were pics with people who I was close to back then but now aren't part of my circle of close friends.Yep-things really have changed.

Then I found an old notebook.With what??All the poems I ever composed (most of them)hahaha!What was I thinking? I just ended up laughing at myself. At least I could remember a what was going on that drove me to my corniness.Mostly effects of all my hormones trying to stabilize during the 'teen years'.It was very, very funny and embarrassing to read those!lol

Remember the good ol high school fad of autograph books??"what was your most embarrassing moment?Who was your first love?What did you find attractive about him/her?" Yap, I have at least two complete ones with most of my classmates on them.(i even have my crush's autograph!can't believe i was that daring!)

Do you keep a diary??I never thought I did until then! i found a couple of pages with the "Dear Diary" on top!imagine that, I actually did start doing the 'diary thing' at some time.All the details in those pages were very 'enlightening'.It seems I turned to diaries to get over a heart-break.And made sure to update every single improvement in my 'journey to recovery' hahaha...I never ever thought I did that!!Anyway, it seems I finally came to my senses(my 'diary' was only a couple of pages).I really, really thought I learned my lesson of writing 'stuff' like that and risking someone else reading it!Oh well, I guess I didn't.lol

Also found some spiritual stuff.Like all my old notebooks from past assemblies, meetings etc.Some badges, programs and the script of my very first talk!!At least I haven't changed in that respect;)And my old planner with all my 'year plans' that I mostly accomplished and oh yeah..complete with 'special' dates marked (ie.date of appointment as MS,PT's..).Can't believe I was that 'head over heels'!lol

Well, I definitely did enjoy my 'time travel'.A nice eye-opener and I did have to 'congratulate' myself for getting over all those issues!:D Sometimes to see is to believe-you really have to 'see' what you were to appreciate how you've changed or maybe realize how you haven't.In fact, I better get myself a 'safer' box of secrets-one with a lock and key perhaps.Don't want anyone getting their hands on my 'dark secrets'!lol Some memories are better kept in a box. ^_^

h-A-p-i-N-e-Ss

2010-03-05T01:14:00.002+08:00

Happiness is a state of mind.If you think you're happy, you will be.That's my motto when and probably why lots think i live a blissful, carefree life.(if only they knew!lol) Does this make mea pretender??hmm..i do have great 'talent in that field but it's very selective;) I don't pretend to be happy when i'm not, i think i simply make myself happy!Like Peter Pan-think happy thoughts and you can fly!!Sounds silly but can be very true.Happy thoughts get you so far, it's as good as flying high above the clouds.I sometimes wonder if I'm normal that too simple stuff make me so happy-rain, sun,clouds,the moon....almost everything in fact!.Am I normal?or AB normal?lol Not that I care- I accept that I'm 'weird':D

Happiness doesn't really have to be for some special reason.You don't have to be happy just because you got a raise,passed an exam or accomplished something.Those are too seldom for our happiness to depend on!If you can't think of any reason when you wake up to be happy, try looking out the window and be happy that you got to see the sun for one more day.Or try watching the clouds endlessly change shape and be happy you've got eyes to see that:)Just try to appreciate every single thing around you, no matter how 'normal' it seems.(I find the soapy bubbles in water mm...nice:).If you really try to 'open your eyes' your world won't seem so boring anymore and you'll learn to find happiness everywhere!

If you really really do have ample reason not to be happy then just think real hard.Would your frown change anything?Nope.So why bother??It so much easier to smile!Ok,ok, I'm making it sound too simple..What i do when the world seems to be falling on me is think,think and think.Is it really worth the worry?How big is your 'issue' anyway?You'll probably find you're making a fuss of something rather minor.And if it's really big?Mmm..then think about something worse, something that hasn't happened to you and be happy you're not that bad:) Then think of the millions of reasons you have to be happy, they'll bypass your reasons for sadness so far that you'll forget what you were worrying about in the first place!:)

My final tip:when you wake up, smile and say to yourself "today is my happy day!"I promise-you'll smile your day away *_*

Gamble

2010-03-04T03:54:00.003+08:00

Falling in love is great!We all know that.;) the daydreaming,smile you can't take off your face-everything simply 'perfect'.I think falling in love is sometimes more of a gamble, you've got 'chips' on your side but you always have the risk of loosing(ie.getting hurt or simply defeated by someone else).Often than not, people take this risk-use the 'cards' they have as best they can,and hope for the best.Others start out fine but time comes when they aren't willing to continue the game, aren't willing to risk loosing all they have or to bet higher, so they give up-let someone else win and walk away with whatever they have left,probably including regrets and 'should have's' thinking it was better than getting hurt and facing defeat.Still others play the game, do what they possibly can but end up loosing to someone else:( They walk away with heads low and hearts broken.And of course there are the 'winners', they might have not had the best cards, might not even have had the highest bet but they somehow played the game right.They didn't give up or walk away, weren't scared to take risks, were ready to face defeat and remained positive through it all.

So which player was the best?The looser,the one who surrendered or the fighter?You'd might say "the 'fighter' of course."Well, he did win in the end But he also could easily have been the looser with just one move.In another time, or place he easily could have lost.How about the one who gave up? Yes, he did save himself the heart-break but who knows, if he continued the game, he might have won.If only he was willing to take the risk. The looser?He did everything he could, didn't give up but just happened to loose.He walked away with a heart-break but also a lot of lessons.If given the chance to play again, he'd probably know what to do and probably would play a better game this time:)

Nobody can play a 'perfect game' of love.Nobody can assure their victory and nobody can condemn themselves to heartbreak.Sometimes the most unlikely people turn out 'winner the least expected 'losers'.My point?Some things are simply out of your hands,there is only so much you can do,so much risks you can take. so weather you end up being the 'looser', 'winner' or 'surrender er'-just remember it's a gamble.You can always 'deal' again and play a better game.Just keep yourself together,hold your head up high,stitch your heart if it gets broken and PLAY!!<*_*>

(btw:I'm not a gambler ok?never played the game, this is a mere illustration.lol)

Get it???

2010-03-02T00:34:00.007+08:00

I had a very interesting conversation with my seatmate here some time back about lovey dovy stuff again.(He started it!)After sharing his life's love experiences, there's one thing I noticed-how long it took for him to realize or to finally accept that a girl he likes actually likes him too!It got me wondering if all guys are like that??so 'blind', unassuming??hmmm...well, i just had to ask him what kind of things would give him reason to think a girl likes him.What it would take for him to 'get it'?The list was sometimes like this:(provided you have some idea that she doesn't act this way to everyone)

>she replies to all/most of his text messages

>she accepts invitations to go to places

>she does stuff he asks her to do

>she texts/calls

>she tells him personal things

>she shows she cares somehow

>she gives some hints of 'jealousy'

Now here's the weird part, even if all the above are 'check' he says he still doesn't assume anything!!Cummon guys! what else can a girl do?? Ok, I'm a girl right?(yes, I've finally decided:D) Believe me, if did even a couple of the above to someone, I at least like you-even a bit.And if I completed the list???Hellooo??I definitely like you!So what's with the "she probably thinks of me as a friend" or "It's normal I guess, nothing special" mentality guys have??

His answer?It all boils down to fear.Of what?Rejection.The "how about if I'm wrong?" thinking.It seems guys really, really can't take rejection and wouldn't dare make any more 'moves' unless they were absolutely sure.Don't ask me how they'd know that aside from the 'list'- I dunno!

But guys,you really have to be a little assuming sometimes! I wouldn't even call it assuming.It's more like 'reading between the lines'.Of course it would depend on the girl coz there are girls who are so friendly with everyone, have a lot of guy friends, are caring etc so it'd be kinda hard to tell the difference in her treatment.Then there are girls who aren't close at all with any guy, aren't caring or friendly by nature,i think these are 'easy';)Mmmm..maybe guys have to study the girl a little first.So they'd know when what she's doing isn't 'normal' anymore.Or maybe girls have to make the 'message between the lines' easier to read??

I DUNNO...I HONESTLY DUNNO

He Doesn’t Serve God !!

2010-02-27T00:14:00.002+08:00

I'd like to tell you a story, about true love
It's very informative and has an interesting cast.
So pay close attention, it's sad but true,
And don't ever think this can't happen to you.
I met him during lunch break on a sunny day,
He sat next to me and smiled, as I was about to pray.
We talked on and on. He was such a gentleman.
I wished that this moment would never end.
Ah, but then it came to be the end of my lunch hour.
I tell you when he stood up, he looked just like a tower!
We met again and again. Our souls began to cling.
I pondered in my mind, "Is this the REAL thing?"
He doesn't smoke or drink, or gamble away his money.
He don't do drugs or things like that and he's nobody's "honey".
Let's face it, he's fine and he's really got a great "bod".
The only thing that's missing is he doesn't serve God.
I'll just give him a chance, he'll change in time.
I won't mind being "his", if he'd like to be "mine".
My friends tried to warn me. I didn't listen or care.
Little did I know my life would be one of despair.
The wedding was fine. The judge married us in the fall.
You see, I couldn't have a wedding in a Kingdom Hall
My dad, no, he didn't give me away.
With the pain in his heart, he didn't have much to say.
Mom, listen to me, please don't cry and whine.
Don't worry about us, we'll be just fine.
I've got a good man and he has a good job.
The only thing is, he doesn't serve God.

Everything is going fine, but recently at night.
When it's time for the meeting, we just fuss and fight.
He says, "Who's this God, breaking us apart
Don’t go tonight dear, please follow your heart.”
So I listen and stay, to keep peace at home.
But now oftentimes, I feel so all-alone.
I don't associate with the friends much at all,
To keep peace at home, I don't go to the Hall.
Service and Meetings, all that's history.
Today, I decorated my first Holiday Tree.
The holiday celebrations are now part of my life.
You see, I must obey my husband, for I am his wife.
The brothers would call. I wouldn't answer the door.
I don't read the magazines. Reading is such a bore.
Marrying out of the Truth, it really sets you "free".
"Free" from Jehovah's love that once was in me.
I just got the news! I'm having a "little one"!
I can hardly wait to tell my dear "Hon".
He was in a bad mood. He lost his job that day.
He told me as he hit me, "That's just one more bill to pay!"
Then he apologized, "I'm sorry, please forgive me Dear"
You see, I've heard those words more often than I'd like to hear.
I have two jobs now. I must support my household.
My husband says he'll find work, but now that's getting old.
I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm feeling very strange.
My schedule at both jobs, I'll have to rearrange.
I should be very happy, the baby is due any day.
Things just have to get better, somehow, some way.
I 'm married to this man, for better or for worse.
The only problem is, he doesn't put Jehovah first.
The baby came today, she's so little and so light.
She's not crying or making noise, something's just not right.

"What could be wrong?" I thought aloud as I lay in bed.
In came the doctor looking sad, and then he shook his head.
"Mrs. Unbeliever," he said, "there's something I must confess."
You and the baby tested positive to the new HIV test.
I started crying. I couldn't believe the words the doctor said.
To know that in a very short time, my child and I'd be dead!
Listen to me! All of you! I'm telling you to your face!
To marry an Unbeliever, is a TOTAL DISGRACE,
To Jehovah, our loving father, who provides for his sheep.
That's why he sets the guidelines for us to hold and keep.
Wait on Jehovah. In his due time He'll set things straight.
Be patient, and He'll give you a Theocratic mate.
One who loves Jehovah and you know that he'll do right.
One who'll be there with you when it comes to "Meeting" night.
An unbeliever has nothing to offer - really nothing at all
But unhappiness, sadness, sorrow, and a very serious fall.
So be wise my Sisters, and please don't try to rush things.
Wait patiently on Jehovah, and accept the blessings he brings.
Don't look to worldly men as mates, at your job or at the Mall.
REMEMBER! Brothers that serve Jehovah are at the Kingdom Hall.

-Author Unknown-

THURSDAYS

2010-02-26T00:09:00.004+08:00

I love Thursdays!! Maybe even more than SUndays..mm..no wait-i guess they're equal.It's amazing how midweek meetings are like an oasis after a long journey in the desert.Being in the world from Monday to Wednesday does take its toll-whether you're aware of it or not,you somehow have been 'contaminated' in one way or another.

I entered the KH today with a lot on my mind (me and my thinking sessions again..lol) but everything suddenly seemed to disappear the moment I entered
the KH! I couldn't help but smile.Seeing a lot still in their work uniforms, obviously tired from a day's work, probably with bigger problems than mine but
still wearing their wide smiles.Kids tired from all their school work still sitting quietly with their mums and dads waiting for the meetings to start, singing
along with the kingdom melodies.Then there's the deaf-bearing all the ridicule they get from their classmates and threats from teachers and happily conversing outside the Hall.Our 'poor' elders and MS faithfully giving their parts-you can really see how physically tired they all are but they still walk up that stage over and over again and give their best!(sometimes even losing their voices onstage out of pure fatigue:( Their effort sometimes makes me wish I was a guy, just so they could sit and listen without going on stage for once!

It just made me think:I've been sleeping(trying to) whole..ok mm..half of the day.Am not tired from any job, no projects, deadlines etc on my mind.No persecution or threats from anyone.No major parts to deliver, and here I am feeling like I'm carrying the worlds' problems!In fact my so-called 'problems' are probably mere concerns brought about my thinking too much-nothing compared to what others are facing."WAKE UP EMILY!WHAT ARE YOU FROWNING ABOUT?TRY AND MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL-PUT ON THAT SMILE AND FIND SOMEONE TO ENCOURAGE!!"

Thursdays are my time to put things in perspective, get the dose of encouragement I need to cope with the remaining days and realize what a wonderful spiritual paradise we have.^_^

The sweetest thing

2010-02-23T03:29:00.005+08:00

I think I've already mentioned that despite how hmm...'hard' and unemotional i might seem, I actually do have a sweet part of me.Promise!You wanna know how sweet?Well, here are some things I've done for people-not necessarily guys ok?;)Most are things I've given people...(not every single thing, just the ones I consider the sweetest;)

>a watch, wrapped up with a note inside

>a notebook with a cute quote inside

>key chain with a name and text engraved

>polo,necktie,vest etc..lol

>a box of brownies with a card inside

>delivered ice cream to their door

>pair of earrings

>dress-grad gift

>sent electronic cards (lots)

>wrote little notes (I guess i express myself better in paper...)

Hmmmm....Can't really think of anything else right now.Don't worry, I'm gonna add to that list to include the corniest things you can imagine!lol.One thing's for sure "there is more happiness in giving then in receiving."The simple smile or thank you that you receive is worth more than money can buy!:) Giving stuff is kind of my way to say things that would be mm..too corny? uneasy to say.It somehow like engraving yourselves on peoples' minds.:)

On the other hand, I've promised myself to be more careful with my 'gift-giving' sprees(with the opposite sex i mean) .why?Let's put it this way: if you don't
have a 'right' to-better not."Right"-some kind of valid reason to give someone, good enough for you to accept the fact that it'll make them feel special ie. relationship stage.Why?It's too hard to explain(or maybe I prefer not to)lol.Just take it from me ok?Yep, "Action speaks louder than words".Only make sure you're saying the right things with your actions coz actions have some
consequences that words may not:D

I'ts complicated

2010-02-19T00:02:00.004+08:00

Our issue for the night with my office mates was about the 'it's complicated' thing.(i duuno how we came to that-love must be in the air..lol) What exactly to people mean by that?Yes, there may be very many complications in a relationship but I'm talking about when they put it as their 'status'? There's single-no connections, 'in a relationship'-has commitment, 'engaged'-very serious relationship,going to get married and "married"-lifetime commitment. Where does the 'it's complicated"come in?Maybe they're not sure where they stand (in that case, why not put 'single' as a status!)I think sometimes it's all about not being able to say 'you're in a relationship' for whatever reasons-people would be against it, you don't want everyone's eyes on you etc-but also not wanting to be 'available'. Solution? Say it's complicated,this way people won't easily 'try' anything and you'd be somewhat honest-admitting you have something going on. But doesn't saying things are 'complicated' just give raise to more suspicion?Maybe some people simply want to make 'issues', give people reason to contact them, they probably enjoy the attention.In my opinion, if you have 'it's complicated' as a status-you're very indecisive (no offense).Anyway, I'm not Billy Gates to have all the social networking sites erase that status option am I?lol But I can promise you, I'll never ever have that as my status! If i do, you can lock me up if you like..:D

Fight for love?

2010-02-18T00:14:00.002+08:00

It's common for people to say you have to fight for love.That if you really love someone you won't just let them go, you'll fight to have them stay.I think fighting for 'your' love makes more sense, doing everything you both can do to keep your love alive-still fighting.But as for the 'if you really love someone, you'd fight'?Nope.How about the song or is it quote "if you really love someone, you'd let them go and if they return, you'll know they're really yours".Makes more sense to me.If you truly love someone, you'd only want their happiness, even if it meant not being with you:( It's very selfish to 'fight' for someone who wants to leave. Think:would you be able to get over the fact that they wanted to leave?But how about letting someone 'slip out of your hands'?I think it depends.If you let them 'slip' because you feel they'd be happier without you,that's unselfish right?But who's to say they'd be happier without you??Them right? Or how about the famous 'i'm not good enough for him/her' line? Again, who says you're not good enough?!I think many have lost a good chance at love because of this 'low self-confidence' notion. True, they might be 'better', more mature, or whatever than you in some way, but that doesn't mean they need or even want someone of that caliber!Compatibility remember?So, please don't use that line anymore ok? ;) Never think someone's 'too good' for you unless THEY say so or somehow hint so.Why?You just might be walking away from someone who actually likes you and doesn't one bit think they're too good for you!-big loss:( I think many people over-estimate or 'idolize' people who in fact view themselves as 'normal', nothing special,It's others who label someone as 'too good'not that they think so much of themselves or anything.My point?It's not for you to say who's 'too good' for you;if they thought they were, it'd show (ie.they wouldn't like you in the first place). Conclusion:Don't fight for love, let go if you have to but make sure not to 'burn your own bridges'.xox

Childhood memories

2010-02-17T00:03:00.006+08:00

Everybody has unforgettable childhood memories, it's nice to sometimes look back and reminisce those good times and laugh at some of the stupid things you did.I've been blessed with a wonderful childhood, full of adventure.I'm getting very forgetful lately, in fear that I might wake up one day with no memories of my past, I've decided to make a list of some things I did when I was a kid that I remember vividly.

>Our farm with no electricity.There were many trees, we had cows, goats and I think pigs( I'm talking about age 1-2 here).Then there was a rusty bus right in front of the house and a well on the right. Further down were banana trees and a stream.On the left I remember a guava tree that I used to climb.Inside the house we had I think two bedrooms, a kitchen, dining room and a bathroom.We all slept in the one room since the other one became my playroom (it had no roof yet)I remember playing alone then with my bro, probably because I was the only child during this time.What else do I recall??Snakes!! Papa always had to check the house when we returned from meetings with a torch to make sure it was 'safe'.Many times there was a snake in one of the rooms and we had to creep in and quickly enter our room and lock it.The snake was gone by morning. I think sometime in our stay at the farm, I ate a field mice roasted by one of our helpers-it was yummy like chicken:D. Then there was the long, long, dark scary road we had to pass before getting to the 'highway' (we were 20km away from the city)!

>Next, I remember our other house (where first bro was born). This was the time we were you could say 'rich'-Papa was a manager!. Dad was really fat (but fit) and our house had a rose garden and lots of mango trees in the backyard. We went to fine dining restaurants often (all company paid).This is also when i remember playing with my fafa in our lawn every time it rained!(my bro was too small to join us).Also had lots of Bethelites visit us often-my parents close friends.

>Then moved again to the city.I'm grade two or so by now.That's were my green and yellow uniform comes in.(soo green even my socks!lol).I was very timid, the smallest in the class, often picked on (not many memories here)....hmm..oh there was the sneaking out of the window to play during nap time..hahaha.(we never got caught;).and the climbing the mango tree to get to the neighbors house! Then the racing to the end of the street, playing hide and seek in empty lots, throwing baloons filled with water at each other.Making sure to get be clean and in doors by 5:00 (cartoons time).

>Then another move to a little bit farm area..I like this part;) I become the teachers' pet, 'smartest' in the class..hahaha.Walked to school every day (a 30 min walk-no transport) on a dusty road but with trees and nature all around.Always had snakes cross by in front of me!I never ever played or owned a barbie and didn't have many girl friends. My buddies were my bros and the neighbors kids (all boys), me being the only girl( I didn't think I was a girl though..lol) We used to play soccer with our home-made balls bare feet off course ( our yard was sooo big!!) Stealing mangoes from trees was a fav pastime too. Then there was going 'hunting'(still barefooted) in the tall grass outside our yard (looking for 'Blacky'-our pitch black cat who always wondered around).Only the 'big' ones were allowed ie.me, my bro and eldest neighbor(my age mate), the rest stayed at home playing 'kids' games.lol We got really far with our 'hunts' but never feared getting lost.:) It's also this time I got my first,no it was my second love letter!lol from?My age mate, bestfriend neighbor! I was a very late bloomer you see, never thought of 'boyfriends','crushes' even if I was around grade 6 or 7!Anyways, that destroyed our friendship-I mean how could he ask me to be his girlfriend??We were buddies ie. I was a boy.lol.This is one of my greatest regrets, not mending our friendship/relationship before we left for the Phils:(( If I could turn back time, this is what I'd change for sure!!

Well, so much for my time travel.At least I can safely say I had my full share of a happy childhood.Did you??.^_^

Sweet Vs. Corny

2010-02-16T00:02:00.002+08:00

Here are some sweet/corny (depending on how you look at it) things people have done:

>"...I pulled out a dollar and wrote in big block letters “SMILE” and laminated it. I drove up to his job and placed it on his truck.."

>"...I drove over to his work and put Hershey kisses all over his car!.."

>"..He had cut out 21 hearts- 20 each said "5%" on one side and on the other, reasons why he loved me such as "your smile." The biggest heart hanging at the entrance to my room said "22%" (my favorite number) and "I love you for being you..."

>"...I wrote my absolute love of my life a really sweet poem all about the things we have done this year...and read it to her..."

>"...I pulled forth a dozen white roses with a single red rose in the middle of the bunch. Attached to the red rose I had note saying "Thank you so much for 'standing-out' in my life...."

Ok.Ok. Enough of that!Well, would you categorize those as sweet or corny?I really believe in "the cornier, the sweeter", my bro says "the cornier, the more sincere".Why? It takes a lot of guts, premeditation, planning, effort...to pull any of those 'surprises'.All the effort etc put into it could only spell one thing-LOVE.You surely wouldn't go that far for just anybody! It just shows how special you think they are.Yeah, it might sound corny, very corny but for the one on the receiving end-.."it was the sweetest thing anyone had done for me..", that's how all the above stories ended.Lesson?Some things only sound corny, but are really very sweet.Not that I'm an expert on the matter but looking back, I've actually done some things that only now have realized were actually sweet!lol.So, I do have a sweet, gentle side after all;)...*_*

I'd lie

2010-02-13T23:22:00.014+08:00

Yep, I'm talking about talking about Taylor Swift's famous song.Have you really mm..let's say 'felt' the lyrics?It's a perfect 'falling for your friend' story!I find it 'funny' how far self-denial can get sometimes like the chorus goes:

And I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him
I'd lie

I mean, cummon! How could you possibly know so much in so much detail about someone and deny you love them?? I think it's all about fear.People are scared to use the "L" word.I bet if you asked her 'if she liked him' she'd agree.There simply is a big difference when you use the "L" word, it comes with some kind of responsibility, not only to the one saying it but to the one it's being said to.Coming to think of it-I've never said 143 to anyone, only replying with "likewise" or "you too". I've been wondering why? My analysis so far says it's because LOVE is supposed to be something developed, not simply felt.I find it weird that people use the "I LOVE YOU" line to get into relationships, wouldn't it be wiser and more sincere if they said something like "I REALLY LIKE YOU AND WOULD LIKE TO KNOW YOU BETTER"? That way, you're not making any promises, you're not giving anyone any unrealistic expectations and you're not 'forcing' them to say 'yes' (it's hard to say 'no' when someone tells you they love you, easiest way out is to simply agree...) and you are being very honest.If things don't work out, they can't say "but you said you loved me....."(yeah you did but you didn't even know her/him that much yet!)-how would you answer that???

Sometimes though,like in the 'I'd lie' song-you know a person 'inside out' so yes, you could say you loved them but why the denial??Again Fear.Maybe fear of rejection?that the feeling isn't mutual?'destroying' your 'friendship'?loosing that person for good?Or not being able to deal with the consequences?..It's a lot easier and safer to keep everything to yourself than to risk the loosing the 'bond' you have.What do you think?Are those reasons good enough? I rest my case @_@

Kids

2010-02-12T23:09:00.008+08:00

It's simply amazing how any child especially the 'terrible twos' or at least below five, can put a smile on probably anyone's face. Have you seen how adults, no matter how 'serious' they may seem would do almost everything to get a kid smile? You put on your best funny face, clap your hands, dance around-anything for that simple smile! It's as if children have some spell that could melt the hardest of hearts.Whoever gets them to accept their open arms or better yet gets that hard earned grin, walks away victorious. Like you've won some lotto or something!How is it that the presence of even one child brings out the best in everyone.Why??

Maybe it's because we're captivated by their innocence, contentment, their genuine,selfless ways. How they can cry this second and have a huge smile the next, how a simple balloon or candy is all they need to take the pain away, how they don't care about getting dirty and care-freely entertain themselves, the trust they have that you'll catch them when you throw them in the air,the way they don't have a hint of pride in them and can ask help for anything, the confidence they have in mommy/daddy to make everything better, how they forget any fights and reconcile in a heartbeat, the pleasure they get from the simplest of things.

I think we somehow wish we were more like that.That we could always be happy and satisfied, without worries, that we didn't take ourselves too seriously, that we trusted people more, that we were humble enough to admit our mistakes, that we never had to end any friendships-that we could see the world in their eyes.^_^

No wonder Jesus said we should be more like them to 'enter God's Kingdom'-children are the perfect examples of how we're supposed to be; how to live and enjoy life.Me having second thoughts on having kids???lol

Red Alert

2010-02-11T23:32:00.005+08:00

There are lots of lists of 'signs you're in love' around.Since I've got a blog, I thought why not make my own version. Signals that would obviously apply to myself and probably everyone else.So here it goes:

* You save all (most) of their messages (text, ym etc)-save them for a rainy day when you'll need a smile ^_^

* You find yourself smiling for no visible reason -actually you're thinking 'happy thoughts' ie him/her.

* People say you're 'blooming'(girls only) even if you didn't do anything special to yourself

* You begin to like slow (corny) songs despite being a rock, upbeat fan

* A lot of things, places, lines suddenly make you think of him/her

* You change from being very forgetful to having a good memory (remember a lot of tiny details about him/her)

* He/she is on your mind 24/7 (not that you're really thinking of them but they're somewhere on the back of your mind)

* You're interested in his/her opinion

* You can't wait to talk to him/her like they somehow 'complete your day'

* You were smiling all the while reading this coz there's someone on your mind ;)

Well??Did you hear the sirens go "red alert, red alert-you're in love"? CONGRATULATIONS!!xox

Practice makes perfect?

2010-02-11T03:02:00.008+08:00

Ok, I must admit I started running out of ideas for this blog so as usual, i turned to my bro for some suggestions.This is his idea.(just the title;). I used to get this a lot in High school and College:

Them:"Why don't you have a bf?"
Me:"I'm not ready yet"
Them:"But your already ___!Anyway, it's just practice"
Me:"I believe bf/gf relationships are serious-for marriage"
Them:"what??No way..how will you know who's best for you if you don't try different personalities?" ie:practice makes perfect

The conversation always ended up in a debate of 'me against the world'.What's the problem here??Many think the more you enter (& exit) relationships, the more you learn about yourself and about what you want/need in a partner.Is that good practice for a long lasting relationship?If anything, they're preparing for divorce; viewing relationships as 'casual', 'no big deal','short-term'-PRACTICE!

Another loop hole in this 'practice makes perfect' reasoning is the what I've come to call "OUCH" factor.

Scenario: Boy is very serious about this girl, thinks she might be 'the one', does everything to get her interested (lots of effort) and finally-she agrees!!Girl however doesn't really like/love this guy but since he's persistent,she thinks "why not? it'd be good practice after all".End?Boy gets a big, big heartbreak that might have an effect on his very life.Girl walks away-no big deal
*The End*

How about if you were the boy?Just being practiced on?O-U-C-H.
Lesson:Practice doesn't make perfect!You can learn from your experiences, the difference being you don't do it intentionally(entering a relationship,knowing you'll 'break-up' for sure), you do your best but things simply don't work out so you walk away with experience not practice.Relationships are definitely not a time for trial and error. But how are you supposed to know "who's best for you if you don't try different personalities"? It's called maturity.As you get to know yourself, you'll realize what you need and who would be compatible.Yes, age does matter(not age-difference between partners but the age you enter a relationship). So if you want to prevent heartbreak, don't 'practice', simply wait 'til you're mature enough then learn from your experiences.^_^

'To do' list

2010-02-10T01:27:00.005+08:00

In this chaotic world, having your life planned out really helps.I'm talking about the 'real life' here-planning in this world is futile:D Anyway, here is a list of some things I'd love to do, why I might not be able to them in this world but why i'll definitely check them one-by-one someday.

>Travel around the world
now:I'm not a billionaire-even if i was, there so many better things to do.
then:no more money!hmm...maybe i'll ride a dolphine?:)

>Settle down in New Zealand or Switzerland
now:see num 1
then:it won't matter where-the whole world will be as beautiful as those countries!

>Have kids
now:mmm...very hard times to have kids..but,you never know
then:no more hard times,not to mention birth pains!

>Put up a nursery or kindergarten
now:Not qualified
then:qualified??how about perfect? :)

>Experience snow
now:Phils is a tropical country!
then:travel around the world remember?

>Design and build my own house
now: num 1 again, besides who wants a beautiful house in this world right??
then:beautiful house+beautiful world=makes sense;)

>Learn how to drive a car/motor
now:what will I drive?no car/motor!lol
then:hmm...I'll invent my own model (Eco-friendly)lol

>Ride a really high roller coaster!
now:num 1 again+fear factor
then:bye2x fear :P

>Be the perfect wife.mother
now:nobody's perfect
then:100/100

>See the 'blue planet' from outer space-must be breathtaking
now:i'm not an astronaut
then:astronaut/scientist/mathematician/.../.../.../..../

>Be a linguist!
now:no time and no brains ;)
then:endless time and i'm a genius remember?:D

I could go on and on but I've got work to do;) So? Have you guys made your 'to-do' list yet?You better or you might end up 'lost', too many things to do!Besides, it's not going to be a long wait-you'll get to check that long list really soon ^_^

Compatibility

2010-02-08T22:26:00.019+08:00

I had another 'Talk Show' with one of my bros over the weekend, I made him explain the black-listed thing and ended up talking about compatibility.(Personality wise-spiritual factors etc are a given off course)What exactly does it involve? If you enjoy the same music and get along perfectly, would you say you're compatible? Or if you had similar family backgrounds?Or perhaps look good together physically? I don't think so,I think it means much more and depends on each ones personality. No matter how much you like/love someone, doesn't make you compatible. In fact simply basing everything on love is very foolish.You sometimes have to accept the fact that you wouldn't make a good couple!No matter how much you think you love the person, if you look real close (take off the blindfold of love) -you'll see just how incompatible you really are."love covers a multitude of sins"? These are not sins-this is something you can't change-the personality you'll live with for the rest of your life!

According to my bro, there is a certain kind of personality that you're compatible with.Not totally though, just some traits that become a 'must-have' to fit your personality and for you to be compatible.In my case, he says a 'behaved', quiet, smart guy.(He forgot humor,you just have to know how to make me laugh!)"Why?" I asked. Well, because I'm loud, not so high IQ (he actually called be dumb!hmph), outgoing and mm...kinda naughty?.Someone to somewhat neutralize/tame me I guess..Coming to think of it, I can't imagine myself having to 'compete' with a guy verbally!! I mean, I'm the girl right?So I'm supposed to be talkative.lol. Or maybe sharing my cosmetics with him!("can you pass me the powder hun?"-oh no!) Or someone whose more emotional than me?? (I'm really not that emotional)

"Opposites attract"? I think they do, just not in every single thing and to the extreme degree.There simply has to be some 'meeting in between'.Then there's the gender role issue. The guy always should be the head, so the girl should be able to respect him.The girl should always be somehow dependent on him (especially emotionally), be able to tell him things without fearing he'd 'break-down'.The girl is always the "damsel in distress:; guy always the "knight in shining armor".Those roles just can't be reversed.(Guy the 'lad in distress'; girl the "princess in shining armor"??lol just sooo wrong!!)

Conclusion?Make sure he can be your "knight in shining armor" before you fall? And off course, 'bros know best' so when in doubt, make an appointment with the 'love doctors'.lol ^_^

Rain

2010-02-05T03:13:00.006+08:00

I love rain!Not just because we need it for survival but the simplicity of it is just wonderful.Have you ever tried looking at the rain (trying to see where it comes from)?It's indescribable! The drops appear to fall from above but you can't really see where.The way the drops look under a street light, the ripples they make when they hit a puddle of water, the way drops look like crystals on plants' leaves and the tingling feeling when they touch your skin.Everything just makes my day. People usually relate rain to sadness or gloominess but I dunno- I just go 'crazy'(in a good way) when it rains.It's the easiest way to get me to smile and instantly transform my mood (into ecstatic) .If there are 'lunatics', I might be a 'rainatic'?(ok, I'm making up words again..:)Walking in the rain has always been my 'thing', maybe because I used to play in the rain with my dad when I was a kid-I still do-sometimes.I wish I could walk in the rain all the time, without an umbrella!I used to until I got all kinds of lung diseases, then I was forced to use an umbrella:( So much for my reckless enjoyment.Then there's the let's say 'romantic' part of walking in the rain don't you think?I do..memories....*_* .And not to mention that scent you get after a good fall of rain-smells like a mix of heaven (rain) and earth (soil). Rain is unstoppable, like JH's promises, refreshing like the meetings-totally amazing like all of His creation. So when it rains, don't wonder if you catch me trying to get myself wet somehow (even with an umbrella)or staring up into the sky-it's simply one of my many 'happy drugs' ^_^

Morning Walks

2010-02-04T00:08:00.007+08:00

I've been trying to find some fitness activity to engage in lately, my lifestyle is very unhealthy!After thinking about gyms, dance lessons, jogging etc, I thought about a simple solution-walking.For a couple of days now, I've been walking home(it's around 30min walk) and I'm loving it! Nothing beats the fresh cool morning air, it's sometimes so chilly I have to hug myself (I always forget my jacket).Everyone hurrying to work or school not knowing what the day will bring, the market bustling with activity, merchants setting their stalls up hoping for a productive day,jeepneys speeding through the roads like it were some kind of race-everything just so intriguing to watch!What I love about my walk is somehow, it's as if I'm walking in the suns direction (literally)-the nearer I get home, the brighter and warmer it gets.Then my favorite part of all, when I'm halfway home, I can see the sun in mid-sky!!A perfect circle, yellow with different hues surrounding it and I can look straight at it, even without squinting! Sorry to sound ignorant but when else do you get to look straight at the sun?!? I also get to pick flowers on the way-I just can't resist! (owners are asleep so I can't ask permission:D) and the flowers go to the one who opens the gate (ie. mama).Not to mention it's my daily dose of 'alone' time-very conducive for thinking.If a lots on my mind, I just walk slower:)

I do wish I had a better scenery instead of dirty, old, ugly buildings, cars and frowning faces so I make my own scenery. Using my imagination (the power of sleepless nights) I transform everything and make my walk a walk in paradise! The roads become green pastures, buildings-beautiful houses, frowns turn upside down into wide smiles and the cars??Animals!!Reminds me of the song "See yourself when all is new"-very inspiring. No wonder people were glancing at me, I must have been smiling all the way home^_^

I'm thinking of trying different routes to make my walks more interesting.I hope I can find my way home if I experiment, anyway since it's early it's safe to get lost (I'm a genius with direction:)If you haven't tried a morning walk, you're missing half of your life.So try it sometime,just remember to change your scenery.%_%

Ma Bros

2010-02-03T00:06:00.004+08:00

I'm taking a break from all that lovey, dovey stuff-it's scaring me how frequent my love posts have become!!So, this post goes out to my two bros (sorry to get cheezy bros xox).What about them?Well, they're my num 1 critics, num 1 outlet, num 1 teasers on everything.Believe it or not I mean everything-from what shoes to wear, to which blouse matches, to how much weight I've gained and off course to which guys I like;)They are my 'tap' into the male mind..lol Outlet?yeah-poor guys have to listen(at least pretend) to my endless heart issues,when they can't take it (ie.I'm 'crazy in love' or 'heart-broken' and just go on and on...) they end up falling asleep on me!hmph.:D I'd really love to return the favor but unfortunately can't relate to their usual topic (DOTA), I try to listen but just don't get it!lol..Result?I talk about whatever's on my mind, they 'listen' while talking to each other about their latest items, skills (terms I've overheard)-very good communication don't you think!?:)If they're in the mood though, they can be very good listeners, and brutally honest.In fact, you two get a large chunk of blame for my past 'experiences', I know I was naive but you guys really made things worse.Ok, enough blaming, this is supposed to be a cheezy post;) What else?hmm..they know how to make me smile when I'm mad(i do get angry sometimes you know) and they are very..let's say-respectful?(good boys who listen to their ate.lol)And they can be so critical, they have a 'nickname'(not a nice one) for all the guys I've ever liked! They even have some 'black-listed'-guys they'd never accept as their brother in laws,wouldn't attend our wedding and would deny me as their sister if I married them.harsh? nope, i prefer to assume they love me too much and want the best for me, and those guys just don't qualify and don't deserve me.I'm I right bros?(hahaha..cheezy!!)Anyways, enough corniness for now.In a nutshell-these two are the 'inside peek' on what's going on in my brain, I sometimes think they know me more than I know myself! Wanna inside peek?Would only take a game of DOTA(your treat)-yeah, that cheap!lol LUBU Please,please don't blackmail me for this, I did warn you I'd do it :D

Who owns the game??

2010-02-02T00:15:00.007+08:00

I was having a midnight talk (ended up in a debate) with my 'lil bro bout love stuff(we both couldn't sleep).Yeah, he's all grown up and can even hold an argument with me now!lol Our topic?Who owns(has more control) of the game (courtship etc)?Male or Female?
My answer:Male.why?He's the guy, he makes all the moves.He can use his charm, sweetness to get any girl he likes.If the girl doesn't like him at first, it'll just take a little gentleman gestures and she'll eventually fall.Or he could simply just be her friend, always there (in the end, girls for their 'friends').Another thing-girls aren't so particular about looks!ie-if you're not Brad Pitt you could still get Angelina to fall for you!Girls just fall faster and easier than guys.
His rebuttal:Guys can do nothing if the girl is firm and says NO!Guys don't act(no matter how interested they may be) if they don't get some signal from the girl, they aren't making any moves."You don't know how much power girls have" he says.If you try the 'friends' approach-sometimes, you might only ruin your friendship.

Ok, now at this point, i'm somewhat agreeing with him..lol

His answer: FEMALES!why?They can make any guy they like notice them, give them 'signals' and he'll come running after them.In short, guys think they're making the first move but the reality is they got some 'signs' from the girl.The bottom line-girls take the 'lead'.

My rebuttal:True, guyz can't resist taking girls 'signals'.Question is how sincere are they?They can easily 'go with the flow' (gives them an ego boast).If the guy isn't 'in' to you-you really can't change that.The fact is-the guy must at least initially have some interest in you!Good if he 'falls' for real but what if he doesn't? another OUCH!

The verdict?it's a tie-neither really OWN the game.There is some mutuality involved somewhere down the line.Well, well, i should have known better than to 'take on' a certified "Best Debater"!;) Who would've guessed my baby bro wound be a new source of ideas for my posts...

Sundays

2010-01-31T04:16:00.002+08:00

I don't know anyone who doesn't just love Sundays!For sure , we all have our own reasons for looking forward to Sunday, I was thinking of what makes mine so special.So I'm gonna try to list some reasons..

S-spiritually
U-uplifting
N-no-worries
DAY

*no work!
*seeing wide smiles the moment you enter the KH (not something you see everyday!)
*wearing your best dress, heels etc (looking so girly.lol)
*finding new points in the PT
*simplifying answers for the kids in the WT(they compete for the most answers!:D)
*listening to the kids do their best to read the hard words just to answer(soo cute!)
*stuttering over the lyrics in the new songs.(can't help but giggle.hahaha..)
*trying to greet and talk to as many as you can afterward
*eating lunch under the tree (using hands, sharing vian and our fav fruit salad!@_@)
*taking a quick nap(barley sleep-too talkative.hehe)
*preach whole pm (catch up with latest happenigs^_^)
*get together at night(sing and dance:) oh..and share xperiences ) or sleep overs (movie marathon time!!)
*getting to spend the whole day with your spiritual family!!
* sleep quite late with a wide smile on my face....

Don't you just wish every day was a Sunday???Well, one hour to go and my happy day begins!!HAVE A BLISSFUL SUNDAY EVERYONE!!<*_*>

Womans rules

2010-01-30T04:06:00.004+08:00

I'm taking a break from burning my brain cells analyzing stuff-brain drain so until I get some 'genius' ideas, time for some plurgery.lol.. Found this here:http://my.opera.com/SerbianFighter/blog/.

1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by The Rules, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

Might sound a little feminist but believe it or not-everything is true! If any of you guys can accept these rules then you're in for a very bright love-full future..

LDLA

2010-01-29T03:50:00.004+08:00

If you're wondering-"Long Distance Love Affair"(LDLA) acronym created by yours truly:)Well?Are you for or against?If you'd asked me maybe a year or more back, I'd definitely had said "NO WAY"!I had this strong belief that long distance relationships are simply non-starters.There just are some things*important things* that you can only see in person.Like how the person acts when he/she is angry or how he/she treats others-small things but very important.In time though, I made a modification to the 'NO long distance' idea-if you've at least met before and have some common friends then continue you're relationship via text or phone(long distance), then that might be an exception to the rule.I mean, you at least have to know something about the person right??Or have someone you can ask about them?How else would you know anything he/she says is true?They say that's called 'trust' but I don't buy it-trust is earned not assumed.Ok, so lets get to the present.What do I think now? One thing hasn't changed for sure-total strangers starting a relationship long distance?very risky(I'd never consider it)Friends who became separated by distance? You know each other so-Yes. You met, have some common friends maybe see each other once in a while?Possible-It would all depend on how much you've so far learned about each other and stuff.Why my change in opinion?Let's say I've got a friend who seems very happy in her long distance relationship, in fact they're getting married!So, it got me thinking...it is possible after all in fact there are advantages.For example you avoid any mmm..let's say 'accidents'-the further, the safer right?No wait, what happens when you see each other after a long time??Ooops..ok that's not an advantage..How about you learn trust?And communicating better*since you don't talk in person* ?And you still have your life without any 'eyes' close by!that's a sure thumbs up..:D Anyway, I'm not an LDLA expert(haven't tried it) but who knows? I might end up eating my words so better be open minded right??Like they say: "Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it."...just might be true after all^_^

Accountablility

2010-01-28T05:25:00.004+08:00

A dear friend of mine has this 'theory',according to her-"You are responsible for what you make a person feel".That's why girls and boys can't remain 'just' friends, sooner or later one of them will develop some romantic feelings which will then either result in a happy ever after or heartbreak.It's a fact-you spend more than the usual time talking, spending time together, you become fond of one another! The only way to prevent this she says is to realize you're fully accountable to what the other person feels.In short,if you start caring more than usual, making the other person feel special somehow and maybe eventually fall in love with you-YOU are accountable! Lesson:Be very aware of how you might make somebody feel.Think twice, even thrice before you speak.But I somewhat disagree with this notion.There are misunderstandings,you can be very innocent but your actions might be interpreted differently.That's definitely not your fault!Then there are people who are naturally sweet and caring.Anyway, I guess it really boils down to being responsible for your actions.Friendship often ends up in love but things might become complicated though if the feeling wasn't mutual.OUCH...Personally, I wouldn't mind falling for a friend-in fact that would be my perfect love story.:)

Music-a voice inside?

2010-01-27T04:38:00.005+08:00

I've become quite a music 'addict' lately, it just made me think why do we turn to music when we're happy, sad, heart-broken or in love??Like any unexplainable emotion can somehow be expressed through songs!I have this theory that whether we're aware of it or not-the kind of music we listen to somehow is related to how we feel, the voice inside especially when we're mute by the words of our hearts.In short-there's nothing like 'just a song' especially when it happens to be out of the genre we usually listen to.It's either you feel like the lyrics in the song or there's someone you're thinking of that you'd want to say those words to.I'm not saying every single song we listen to has some hidden meaning or something but that we can personally relate to quite a majority of our current 'favorite' songs.It really does all make sense once you think of it, maybe that's why those into 'Emo' music dress the way they do, i bet they feel that way too!And that's why people in love can feel like a song was made especially for them,the lyrics a perfect reflection of their feelings.Maybe thats why you catch yourself smiling or eyes getting watery when listening to a certain song. Try reviewing your play list-it could be a big eye-opener to what's going on inside that heart and mind of yours! So??What kind of songs have you been listening to lately?

AVATAR

2009-12-23T21:31:00.005+08:00

Who's been to the movies lately??If your not a 'movie person' or 'don't have time' or find movies 'too expensive', Avatar will definitely leave you no regrets! It's so thrilling you won't want to blink, has some romance to make you smile and a pinch of comedy to it as well.And the special effects are totally amazing.Btw-don't worry-no magic, no brutality, no immoral scenes.Here's the official synopsis from movies.msn.com-don't have time to make mine up.

A paraplegic ex-marine finds a new life on the distant planet of Pandora, only to find himself battling humankind alongside the planet's indigenous Na'vi race in this ambitious digital 3D sci-fi epic from Academy Award-winning Titanic director James Cameron. The film, which marks Cameron's first dramatic feature since 1997's Titanic, follows Jake Sully (Sam Worthington), a war veteran who gets called to the depths of space to pick up the job of his slain twin brother for the scientific arm of a megacorporation looking to mine the planet of Pandora for a valued ore. Unfortunately the biggest deposit of the prized substance lies underneath the home of the Na'vi, a ten-foot-tall, blue-skinned native tribe who have been at war with the security arm of the company, lead by Col. Miles Quaritch (Stephen Lang). Because of the planet's hostile atmosphere, humans have genetically grown half-alien/half-human bodies which they can jack their consciousnesses into and explore the world in. Since Jake's brother already had an incredibly expensive Avatar grown for him, he's able to connect with it using the same DNA code and experience first-hand the joys of Pandora while giving the scientific team, led by Grace Augustine (Sigourney Weaver) and Norm Spellman (Joel David Moore), some well-needed protection against the planet's more hostile forces.

On a chance meeting after getting separated from his team, Jake's Avatar is rescued by Neytiri (Zoe Saldana), a Na'vi princess, who brings him into her tribe in order to give the humans a second chance at relating to this new environment. When word gets out of his increasing time with the alien species, Quaritch enlists Jake to do some reconnaissance for the company, as they'd like to persuade the tribe to move their home before taking more drastic measures to harness the treasure hidden below. Yet as Jake becomes one with the tribe and begins to understand the secrets of Pandora, his conscience is torn between his new adopted world and the wheelchair-bound one awaiting him when the psychic connection to his Avatar is broken. Soon battle lines are drawn and Jake needs to decide which side he will fight on when the time comes. T

SO GO WATCH AVATAR NOW!! GO! GO! GO! Tell the guard its my treat-they'll let you in for free!.lol ^_^

Words of wisdom

2009-12-23T21:16:00.004+08:00

I just came across this on dotconnectorblog.com while browsing the net(working).All of it was just on the the wall at Jimmy John’s (an eatery I presume):

I believe…

that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe…

that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.

I believe…

that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I believe…

that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe…

that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I believe…

that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I believe…

that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I believe…

that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I believe…

that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe…

that no matter how bad your heart is broken that the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I believe…

that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe…

that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I believe…

that you shouldn’t be eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe…

that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe…

that you should always leave loved ones with loving well wishes. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe…

that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I believe…

that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe…

that we don’t have to change friends, if we understand that friends change.

I believe…

that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe…

that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe…

that you either control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe…

that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, that passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I believe…

that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe…

that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe…

that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe…

that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe…

that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones who help you get back up.

I'll be keeping my eyes open from now on-just might find some inspirational quotes in the most unexpected places!

Friends are forever

2009-12-11T03:10:00.004+08:00

Real friends are really hard to find.I guess it's because once you do-they last forever.Something like how hard pearls or diamonds are so rare but once found are worth lots.I think I'm blessed enough to have some gems in my life-they're just a handful but are just what I need.I might be very outgoing but only consider quite a few "Friends" and the rest maybe acquaintances.Not that being an acquaintance is a bad thing, in fact this is where all friendships begin right?:D What's the difference? Well, you can laugh chat and get along both but the difference lies with what you talk about.Friends talk about everything under the sun,moon and stars! They include each other in their futures, make plans together, find solutions to each others problems and can stay up all night just talking.Off course, friends are your number 1 teasers coz they know so much about you that all it takes is a smile and a wink for you to get them to blush.That brings me to another point-friends need no words.They'd just glance at each other and burst out laughing leaving everyone else wondering.Then they're times when you'd say stuff at the same time, like you were reading each other's minds!How weird is that?Amazingly, it doesn't take much for friendships to develop.They're times you just 'click' with someone, like you've known them for ages and you suddenly become inseparable.Maybe that's what they call 'chemistry'.(Mishu OLA!!) Friendships can form with people of different personalities-one of my friends is very professional, organized, another a little intimidating,serious and demeanor then add me-carefree and outgoing! Why?Because we all share the same goal-To get our 70hrs a month and stay joyful while doing it(short-term)and ultimately make sure we get to paradise where our friendship will be forever*_*

Wonders of Creation

2009-12-06T14:08:00.015+08:00

After our three-day assembly me and my galz had a simple one-day getaway.We went to Samal Island.We were only able to go to one falls-Hagimit falls but it surely was worth it!!The blue water,different falls-green everywhere!Everything was just breathtaking.The place is a total paradise!See for yourself^_^

That was just a glimpse, somethings even a camera can't capture.(FYI-entrance was only 20.00PHP!!)The perfect place for my "Alone Time", if only it were nearer...sigh..Can you just imagine the whole world being this beautiful??Surely something worth any sacrifices we make now.

Well,this is "Samal Island getaway PART 1"-I'm definitely bringing my family here next year. Hmmm...Maybe we'll try the scuba diving and island hopping sometime soon-take a peek at aquatic life or maybe just hangout at the white beaches;)..Wanna come??&_&

Diary of an unborn child

2009-12-05T04:12:00.004+08:00

This was published by the Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society in the May 22, 1980 issue of its Awake! magazine and has moved many mothers who planned an abortion to save their unborn babies.A very touching article that will surely bring tears to your eyes.

September 19:

Today my life began. My parents do not know it yet, but it is I already. And I am to be a girl. I shall have blond hair and blue eyes. Just about everything is settled though, even the fact that I shall love flowers.

October 3:

Some say that I am not a real person yet, that only my mother exists. But I am a real person, just as a small crumb of bread is yet truly bread. My mother is. And I am.

October 7:

My mouth is just beginning to open now. Just think, in a year or so I shall be laughing and later talking. I know what my first word will be: MAMA.

October 9:

My heart began to beat today all by itself. From now on it shall gently beat for the rest of my life without ever stopping to rest! And after many years it will tire. It will stop, and then I shall die.

October 17:

I am growing a bit every day. My arms and legs are beginning to take shape. But I have to wait a long time yet before those little legs will raise me to my mother's arms, before those little arms will be able to gather flowers and embrace my father.

October 27:

Tiny fingers are beginning to form on my hands. Funny how small they are! I'll be able to stroke my mother's hair with them.

November 4:

It wasn't until today that the doctor told mom that I am living here under her heart. Oh, how happy she must be! Are you happy, mom?

November 9:

My mom and dad are probably thinking about a name for me. But they don't even know that I am a little girl. I want to be called Kathy. I am getting so big already.

November 24:

My hair is growing. It is smooth and bright and shiny. I wonder what kind of hair mom has?

November 27:

I am just about able to see. It is dark around me. When mom brings me into the World it will be full of sunshine and flowers. But what I want more than anything is to see my mom. How do you look, mom!

December 8:

I wonder if mom hears the whispering of my heart? Some children come into the World a little sick. But my heart is strong and healthy. It beats so evenly: tup-tup, tup-tup. You'll have a healthy little daughter, mom!

December 12:

Today my mother killed me.

Bizarre Love Triangle

2009-12-05T02:19:00.010+08:00

A friend of mine has been obsessed with this song lately. She says it relates to my "Sometimes" post somehow. Anyway, this is my interpretation of the emotion behind the song:

Every time I think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine
But it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind

I think: She's trying to get over him but finds herself thinking of him.No matter how much she tries, she can't seem to REALLY forget him. There's nothing wrong with this except that it leaves her living in the past, her fantasy world with him still there.

But there's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of the fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
well every day my confusion grows

I think: She's probably received loads of advice from friends to 'move on' and get on with her life but it doesn't seem to make a difference-he's still on her mind. She's in a state of confusion, trying to understand why she can't get over him.Does she love him?Is she hurt?Why can't she move on??

Chorus:

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say

I think: The guy keeps her in expectation somehow.Maybe still acting interested, caring etc leaving her thinking, hoping, praying that he would fall for her. With everything she's been through, she'd never have the courage to say how much she cares/loves him- the only chance in anything happening lies with him saying those words.

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

I think:Despite all the confusion, hurt and emotion, whenever she sees, talks to him-she still feels good.Inspired.He still has an effect on her somehow.Her,being in a state of denial-can't explain why he still makes her smile.She ends up longing for the days before the 'love triangle' began, when they were close, could talk about anything.She wishes she could turn back time.

I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

I think: Caught between convincing herself that they're not meant to be and smiling whenever they meet, she doesn't know how she really feels anymore.She knows she shouldn't be 'deceived', carried away with his charm but knows that somewhere inside him is something she's learned to love.Sometimes she thinks of entering a relationship to try to see how he feels but can't bring herself to hurt someone else. She fears if she enters a relationship with someone else, he might walk away, give up and all her dreams of being with him would be shattered.They'd never be the 'perfect' couple they could be.She'd loose all her chances with him and would have to watch him slip away into 'her' arms.

There you go dear!!Well??Maybe not the exact interpretation-but close enough^_^

Alone Time

2009-12-01T23:08:00.003+08:00

Everyone says I'm so outgoing,make lots of friends so fast and love to have people around me. Well, I can't deny this is true but I bet they don't realize how much 'solo' time I have with myself.I could spend hours and even the whole day anywhere alone!Sunsets by the beach are my favorite but anywhere will do.What do I do?THINK THINK and THINK.I guess that much thinking is called meditation.What do I think about?Basically everything-(sorry can't tell you details though;).I think it's my way of getting to know myself and the world around me. It's during these 'thinking sessions' I got all the ideas for my posts. I've made many personal resolutions during my solo time as well.It's a very fulfilling time to think things over, evaluate problems, see where my life's heading and just make sure I'm on the right course.This is what I'm longing for! If I happen to be in the wrong place when I feel like 'alone time', I simply zone out, don't talk to anybody and become mentally absent. This happens to be a wrong time. It's about time I had some quality time with myself, got so many agendas. Until I find a place to go-it's me and my thoughts to keep me company.

Fathers and Daughters

2009-11-24T03:57:00.006+08:00

Any father or daughter knows the special relationship they have.NO. I wouldn't call it favoritism though sometimes that's exactly what it amounts to.It's just a unique connection fathers and daughters share usually throughout their lives. Laughs just between the two of them, cute teasing, small talk-everything is just something you don't share with anybody else. No wonder father's are so protective of their daughters! Any other man whom she shows interest in has the potential of replacing them as 'the special person' in their daughters life.And daughters spoiled by dads.No wonder the biggest barrier any man has to go through is the girls father!I bet all father's would love to get to pick their son-in-laws!lol.That's why girls make sure to let their dads meet their guys first-a way of asking "approve"?or "disprove"? And guys, believe me-girls totally believe their dads and sometimes take their opinions as facts so better court the father before the girl!:) No wonder fathers cry at their daughters weddings!They no longer can protect their daughters from everything-they're on their own. The connection they've had since their birth has to change. And no wonder girls love their father's so much.^_^.Like the saying goes: "Dad - a son's first hero, a daughter's first love".

Past is Past

2009-11-20T23:51:00.000+08:00

"Past is Past" is a so commonly used phrase.It got me thinking what people really mean when they say that. Maybe some mean "let's not talk about it", when confronted with memories they'd rather forget- suppressing their past. Others use it as a way of saying "I don't care who you were before, that's in the past". Now this one I find tricky. If the person was a thief for example, just got out of jail and now is courting you-doesn't his past matter??His past is too scary to be simply forgotten!His 'past' is still too recent. But then how about if that was ten years ago?He's been clean for the past 9 yrs, is his past, past?So the question is when can you safely say a person's past is past??It's a fact that your past would have and effect on you as a person, either for the good or bad-it matters!

Ok, let's not talk about criminals for a sec.How about if he's got a history of short-term relationships or she's notorious for being a 'heart-breaker' wouldn't knowing this change a lot?Or would you say-"past is past" and fall for the person anyway?That might be tragic!But how about if for the past few years that 'history' is broken?They've behaved.SO here's the dilemma-what's the time frame?How many years back should you count before you can determine which part of the past doesn't matter-when is past really past?

Diamonds are forever

2009-11-20T01:32:00.001+08:00

Memories are like stones. Some have gold-are shiny then later fade and need polishing.Just like good times with friends and family we remember for a couple of months then forget until at one time we stop and polish them and they regain their value. Others have ordinary minerals in them, memories we don't really treasure, where nothing special happened. Some are just stones, simple useless stones-memories we'd rather not recall. But others are diamonds-they last forever.I've never had a diamond memory until a month ago at the PSS and I miss every thing about it:(

I miss waking up at 5am to take a bath just as scheduled
I miss riding in the car with the kids(our fav.song plays when we arrive and have to come out!)
I miss being the first to arrive at the class
I miss Kuya Leynard giving us a fruit a day for our punctuality(apple, orange,watermelon.:D)
I miss seeing everyones smile as they enter the room-so fresh^_^
I miss changing tables everyday
I miss 'Insight boy's' enlightening comments
I miss trying to get everyone's names and surnames right
I miss Kuya Warren interchanging our family names
I miss cramming during coffee breaks(copying from classmates.lol)
I miss the teasing and name calling(with 'you know'*_*)
I miss eating with chopsticks-(the kimchi and jap dishes.yummy)
I miss cracking jokes with OLA
I miss OLA :((
I miss being cheezy with Hany("there's something fishy"lol)
I miss the walk to La paella (posing for pics while walking.haha)
I miss La Paella (so deli food!!)
I miss Kuya Garcia asking us how our day was :(
I miss Trisha ("you're soo cute")
I miss borrowing Reg's Macbook (soo hard to figure out!lol)
I miss pretty Reg:D
I miss wearing a smile 24/7
I miss attending the Jap group(Andrew giving me answers :/)
I miss Bro Kamasawa praying in English no matter what
I miss Bro Kamasawa
I miss Bro Solbaken's super funny jokes(didn't look like the funny type at first)
I miss vandalizing everyone's books
I miss Ate Nancy's creative works-bookmarks, bracelets
I miss Fiona's making funny faces when posing (never ever smiled!lol)
I miss Fiona
I miss drawing on the white board
I miss Kuya Leynards illustrations
I miss making plans of after class stuff but never doing them.hahaha
I miss watching everyone find a way to take a nap-all those positions!lol
I miss ate Abby's cool, nice voice
I miss ate Abby
I miss ata Lyns' contagious laugh
I miss Bro Santiago's fatherly advice (single life is a gift^_*)
I miss the Biron's endless teasing (finding candidates for my "Absalom".hehe)
I miss Chiara and KC's cute talks (wish i had a sis:)
I miss hiding the pushpins for the table cloth's on top of the aircon.:Dlol
I miss cleaning the marble floor (it's the only work we get to do!)
I miss riding with the kids back home,talking about our days(we're sooo spoiled$_$)
I miss our room!(had violet covers when we left:( )
I miss the noisy ride home after the meetings (everyone so kilig about me and___;))
I miss listening to 'life in jail' experiences ( so encouraging @_@)
I miss carrying the reference bible everyday(like some genious!)
I miss the parrot at La Paella!!( pangit!Pangit!lol)
I miss Kuya James ever ready illustrations(touch=electricity)
I miss everything and everyone I haven't mentioned and anything in between!!!!

Ten days,24/7 with people who share the same goals,face the same challenges, have the same values.No worries.Just perfect bliss.They say "it's a small world" but it's simply not small enough.I wish the people in my diamond memory where just a walk away.I wish we could see each other every day. I wish the ten days were "a day for a year"! I wish I could turn back time whenever I feel low to my days of total happiness. I wish I could do everything all over again.I JUST MISS IT ALL SO MUCH!

Call me sentimental,call me emo, call me corny-whatever you like.It's something you have to experience to understand.

I know my wish is just around the corner to coming true then I'll relive my diamond memory forever:)For now, I'll just continue collecting stones and maybe add to my diamond collection.

Sometimes

2009-11-20T00:13:00.001+08:00

Sometimes things have to change for the better. Sometimes you have to convince yourself "it's better this way". Sometimes no matter how much you try, you end up longing for the way things were, wishing you could turn back time, make the sun, moon and stars just freeze in their paths! Well, this is one of those times.

I know I cannot and should not treat him the way I used too.I couldn't if I tried!I know I'm doing the right thing but I don' think I'm doing it right. I would've wanted things to stay the way they were but I'm glad things have changed. I'd like to just to be able to talk to him like everyone does-normally, freely, but I'm afraid I'd say the wrong things, act a little too concerned and fall all over again! So I simply stay away-as far as possible as I can, act like he doesn't exist and get on with my life-I'm very good at doing that.I do talk to him but only when absolutely necessary-life and death situations.lol.It just feels wrong!!

Do I care for him?NO-at least not like before.Do I resent him?NO-no reason to.Do I still hurt?mmmm....it's been about a year already! I mean cummon! Maybe, just maybe I'm simply scared.Scared I'd fall and repeat the same cycle I've gone through countless times.But is that a good excuse? I know he's noticed, I know he tries to break my walls down and I'm sure he isn't happy with how distant we've become but maybe things are better this way. Maybe I shouldn't want to turn back time and maybe this 'sometime' is just me thinking too much.