It always starts with friendship and It seems that I tend to have the habit of starting to like guy friends after a while. Then comes the time when the 'friend' starts to like some girl. off course, I know all about it. This is the turning point-my reaction to his admiration will determine how things end up. What do I find myself doing?? Being a super good friend, advising, etc. In short, giving the "i'm so happy for you" view.
I know I've known him for a longer time, i know at this point, we're closer that he is with the girl but I act like the supportive friend.
Why? Why don't I show that I'm not at all pleased, that I would rather he be with me? FEAR. Fear of what? I really don't know. Of rejection? Of not really being sure of my feelings? OF failure? Of responsibility? Of possible heartbreak? I really don't know- maybe a little of everything. The point is-fear always makes me back out.
If its all about guts, i think I really do have that but when the 'turning point' comes, i choose to give way and let someone else 'get' my friend. What next? Well, I unintentionally find myself furthering myself from him. Why? Again-FEAR.
This time i know what I'm afraid of: I fear that keeping my attachment, closeness will only cause me to 'fall further'. My thoughts might be something like: "now you have her, you don't need me". I just can't keep the same level of closeness- I simply don't trust myself!
Whether my actions are right, i really can't say. The truth is, sometimes, I truly miss all the things we shared-conversations etc.But I force myself to 'get on'. Does this make me a bad friend? I don't know. One thing I've discovered is no matter how strong, daring I may look, I really am so full of FEAR..
