Blink

I open my eyes to the smell of the wet cement floor.Everything seems so dark and blurry, I can bearly see. My eyes are swollen and from the way my face feels, I'm thankful there's no mirror around. I don't know the day or the time but I've woken up like this so many times now. I'm hungry and thirsty. I don't know the last time I had a real meal.

"Think happy thoughts!!" I remind myself.And so I do. I think about the time I found my first bible study. The way her face lit up when she heard the truth. ..."How is she now?" I wonder. I think about the Kingdom Hall full of kids laughter, everybody's troubles put aside.I rememeber the tears of joy I shed when my lil bro became an MS or when my lil sis got baptized....How I miss those days..

The pain in my stomach is getting worse now. My whole body is throbbing in pain. I have to think of some other way to keep my self busy. "I know, I'll sing Kingdom songs!" ......'our reasons for joy are abounding....'...I try but my voice comes out in squeaks. I'm too weak to even sing. "Nevermind! I'll sing in my head then..."....'Jehovah is my father my God and friend..' ...Jehovah God my strength renew.....'....lalalalalala.....time passes....I can't remember anymore. How I wish I memorized more songs. Tears are pouring down my face.

I hear the door open and someone pull me to my feet. I can't make out a face.I hear something like.."this is your last chance..." I'm led on a famiilar path, i know where I'm going. I've been there countless times."Please help me endure this again" I pray.....in my mind i start singing again...'he'll guide you and protect you as he has all along, yes he will make you firm, and he will make you strong..'. ..I'm much calmer now...

I'm forced inside, I loose my balance and fall to the floor. The big man is talking now, he goes on asking:"Where do they live....what are their names...." I'm too weak to try and explain my stand again so I stay motionless on the floor...His approaching me now,voice raising:" ANSWER ME OR I'LL....." His fist or maybe the palm of his hand nearing..Then blackout.

I open my eyes to the sight of a many boots.NOthing seems familiar this time "Where am I??".Maybe they've decided to let me go!Positive, always positive. When they see me move, one pair of boots approaches and pulls me to my feet.He's trying to tell me somthing but I can only stare at his lips...'who will save you now?'...is all I can seem to get.

I'm led outdoors, the sun is too bright and i try to shield my eyes.I see a familiar figure.no two figures...Is it really them???They seem to be waiting for me. I wish I could run and embrace them but i can't.our hearts are embracing.. we just smile.a lonely tear falls accross my cheek...I join their line and we are made to face the wall.

Loud voices, guns loading."READY"!! I look to my right, then to my left..and close my eyes.. "FIRE!" Blackout

I open my eyes to the smell of fresh grass. "this is new, I think".. Smiling people surround me and ask for my name. When I tell them, they lead me by the hand down the hill.. when my eyes adjust to the light, i can finally see my surroundings.

GREEN, everything is just so green.NOw I understand. I stop in my tracks, my legs give way and I'm on my knees. Tears are flowing down my face, my lips are quivering but I can't talk..The people around me are crying too.My heart overflows with praise and thanks to Jehovah .

I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE IT!! IT WAS ALL OVER IN A BLINK OF AN EYE..

(setting-during the great tribulation)

DEAR DIARY

It's a rainy Friday night. I'm alone but can't seem to take the smile away from my face. Just a few days ago, I thought I was the loneliest girl in the world. I had just so much emptiness in me I wanted to go to the terminal and get the first bus ride. The only thing I could think about was what now? How am I to live without the person I spent so much time with? Who will be my preaching partner?...

Then my every ready self defense system went into action. I prayed and made up my mind to keep all kinds of negative thoughts out! I declared that day the last of my emotional ones. I made arrangements to preach every single day this week and I did!!

There is so much 'loosing' someone can teach you.For one, that there are really a lot of friends that you have around you who can help you so you really are never alone. That sometimes it takes such a 'loss' to help you appreciate what you have and the people around you.That you can emerge a better person from such an experience.That maybe this loss was 'good' in a way and made me do things I never did before. And most of all, nothing can compare to the power of PRAYER.

I hereby declare myself a new person. I will stay positive no matter what. I will treasure the people I have around me. I will keep busy in the never to be repeated work. I will learn to wait for the right person at the right time. I will remember that in Jehovah's organization, there is really nothing like 'goodbye'. Above all, I will make JH my best friend.He will always be there..

I'd Say

No matter how outspoken you may be or how showy you may be of your emotions, i think each one of us has many things that they have't said. Whether it's to someone they love or a member of the family, there are definitely some words that are always left unsaid. I for one know that there are many things i'd love to say to people in my life. I really don't know why I haven't said them yet, but at least if I say it here, It'd be a big load off my back:

To my BFF bro I'd say:
I know I seem to keep on criticizing you and you probably think i'm your number one critic but hey, that's what siblings are for. The truth is I idolize you and I'm probably your number one fan. I think you are the best reader, best chairman, and have a great voice. I can't tell you this coz i don't want you to get big headed so for now, i'll keep it to myself.

To my BFF Hany I'd say:
I really regret being so 'hard' and 'emotionless'. I wish I let you brush my hair, massage and do whatever you wanted to do before. I know you know me well but i still wish I was a little more caring, a little more sympathetic and a little more emotional.

To the guy who makes me laugh I'd say:
You may not realize it but you never fail to put a smile on my face and I'm ever thankful for that. I really wish I had the guts to be a little showy before it was too late but I was too scared. The truth is despite the distance, I really wish you were here.

To the guy I loved before I'd say:
I honestly never really got over you. I'm sorry if this is why you seem to try and distance yourself but I really wish you didn't I wish you would treat me normally, i wish you would answer my texts and I wish you could tell me why you've changed so much. If I could turn back time, I wouldn't change anything I did and I'm still thankful I realized how much I could care for someone through you. SO million thanks for that.

To the girl who got the guy I'd say:
I'm sorry if I can't seem to get close to you. The bottom line is I really am envious of you. I know you've gone through much more than me and therefore 'deserve' him in a way but I just can't bring myself to be close to you. Still, I really hope all goes well with you both.

To my lil sis. kay I'd say:
There are so many things we have in common. I just wish we'd be more open with each other and stop acting so strong. I wish we could be closer than we are. I can't help but see that we seem to be building up walls to try and keep ourselves inside, secure and out of reach from the world.

Well, there you have it. I know this is probably one of the corniest posts I've ever written but I really don't care. It's the only way I can express myself so what can I do? I may have said these things here but I really don't know if i'll ever be able to say them in person. Why? Coz I really believe that saying some things cause too much change and this is not something everyone is ready to deal with. That is why some things are better left unsaid....^_^

CHiKens

There's something that I've come to realize lately-how much you know someone isn't the basis of how much you'll miss them. (this is gonna get a lot cheezy..so read on at your risk)..there are times when you simply get along with a group of people. It's not that you necessarily share soo many things in common, or that you know what they're going through or any stuff like that but you simply have the grandest time of your life with them. Y?? I have a couple of theories:

Theory #1: Personalities. Maybe it's because the combination of your personalities created a jigsaw puzzle effect-you came together and formed that picture that made you all smile..You just could be yourself with them without worrying about getting any raised eyebrows or criticizing whispers..

Theory #2: Circumstance. Maybe it just so happened that you needed a breather that time and they were the ones who gave that to you. You were stressed and they were available to help you unwind..

Or maybe it could be a little of both coz for sure things wouldn't be the same if you were with some other group..Like one of mois famous sayings: "it's not the place, its the people you are with that matters"...

Well, the fact is-I MISS THEM!!! (i know they miss me more :D:D:D:D.LOL)I really can't pin point the reasons but I will say it again-I MISS THEM LIKE I'VE NEVER MISSED ANY ONE BEFORE...(over n dyon..ahahaha)

FeAr

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and listening as well.Someone kinda insinuated that i could have been in a relationship by now if I wanted to. It's because of my in a way letting that person get someone else. I can't deny its truth. In fact, I've discovered that this cycle has somehow been repeated! So, the question I was left thinking of is why??

It always starts with friendship and It seems that I tend to have the habit of starting to like guy friends after a while. Then comes the time when the 'friend' starts to like some girl. off course, I know all about it. This is the turning point-my reaction to his admiration will determine how things end up. What do I find myself doing?? Being a super good friend, advising, etc. In short, giving the "i'm so happy for you" view.

I know I've known him for a longer time, i know at this point, we're closer that he is with the girl but I act like the supportive friend.

Why? Why don't I show that I'm not at all pleased, that I would rather he be with me? FEAR. Fear of what? I really don't know. Of rejection? Of not really being sure of my feelings? OF failure? Of responsibility? Of possible heartbreak? I really don't know- maybe a little of everything. The point is-fear always makes me back out.

If its all about guts, i think I really do have that but when the 'turning point' comes, i choose to give way and let someone else 'get' my friend. What next? Well, I unintentionally find myself furthering myself from him. Why? Again-FEAR.

This time i know what I'm afraid of: I fear that keeping my attachment, closeness will only cause me to 'fall further'. My thoughts might be something like: "now you have her, you don't need me". I just can't keep the same level of closeness- I simply don't trust myself!

Whether my actions are right, i really can't say. The truth is, sometimes, I truly miss all the things we shared-conversations etc.But I force myself to 'get on'. Does this make me a bad friend? I don't know. One thing I've discovered is no matter how strong, daring I may look, I really am so full of FEAR..

Weddings

Weddings are supposed to be a happy, fun time for everyone. In my opinion even the preparation should be enjoyable and stress free. It's been really crazy how much I've come to learn about all this stuff lately! How did it make me feel? Envious? I really can say NO WAY!

The fact that you don't have to experience something to learn is really true. There is so much more than the 'happy ending' that's usually on everyone's mind. The wedding day, though being so short actually does take a lot of preparation. All of this puts a lot of pressure on both parties and instead of being that blooming, crazy in love, excited bride to be, you may easily find yourself loosing weight and looking nearly sad!

Hmm..a lot of things to think about huh? One things for sure, i definitely am not going to jump into anything too fast!! Whenever my turn comes, I will be the most stress-free, happy, blooming...etc bride-to be in the world! LOL...For now, its time to sit back and enjoy the ride before price charming sweeps me off my feet...hahaha...]

Letting Go

At one point in our lives, we all have to let go. No, i'm not implying that I've letting go of someone i Love. Love is in fact not the only thing you have to learn to let go of. It may be anyone or anything that for some reason must be 'set free.

Friends sometimes need to let go of each other. This can be really hard. You've just spend so much time with each other that you can finish each others sentences but change simply must be respected.

Change is what often forces us to let go of people. Sometimes, no matter how much we'd love to keep each others company forever, we cant. Maybe they've become a bad influence on us and we must protect ourselves by letting go. Or perhaps, circumstances change like they're getting married or changing residence-maybe even both! Whatever the case, sometimes, we must swallow hard, shed a tear and move on.

Its interesting how letting go can affect us. The people you have around you greatly make up who you are. You can't be the same after someone walks out of your life. The secret here is to make it help you grow or else you'll be hurting for a very long time.

Off course you can still keep in touch and keep up with each others lives-that's what technology's for right? Still, things will never be the same.

Well, I guess you have to let each other go. Accept the fact that you're friendship has to change and that you're entering a new chapter in life. This I believe will prove how true a friend you really are. Holding on is very selfish.The art of letting go isn't something you can read about or even learn from others. It's something we all have to gain the mastery of and understanding that it's part of life is harder than we think.