The MAN in ME

There is something that I keep proving to myself over and over again. Along with this verification comes the question-'why'? 'why am i like this'? and 'is it a good thing'? Here's a scenario that happens all too often with me:

Me got guy friends right, not close but let's just say 'acquaintances' like the 'hi, hello' kind. Probably only know their names then for some reason, I still can't understand, they suddenly decide to 'open up' to me. Out of the blue they spill all the beans on their lives (not like I even asked). Usually, it happens when they've got some problem (usually GIRLS-GF's etc). I'm like 'hi..' (end of conversation) then they suddenly go 'emz..me and my GF..blah blah blah..'. And I'm like 'ok2x..did i ask? do i even know you?' Off course I don't say that but i definitely think it..

Somehow, guys tend to view me as some huge button that you push and talk to whenever the going gets tough. When it's over, you simply push it again...(Is that a compliment I wonder?)

Now the sad/weird thing here is that I just become the 'thing they push and talk into'. Ok, I'm a lot more interactive than that but what I'm saying is that it's ALL ABOUT THEM....and I have to listen(I'm emphatic..)At the end of the day, i could write a ten page bibliography about them while they probably wouldn't be able to do a paragraph about me.

I'm not talking about a single incident here, this is like 'part of my life'. It happened in high school, it happened with my workmate, it happened with someone I just 'officially' met...and it's gonna keep on happening...

My question is 'why'? what exactly do guys see in me that just makes them want to tell me everything? Even without asking!!

I guess they see the 'man in me'. Talking to their guy friends bout stuff could get kinda 'gay' i guess so where else do they turn to? Obviously to me-someone they don't really know, don't necessarily like but someone who's there..(make any sense?)To them it does...

I'm thinking it's neither a good thing nor a bad thing. I've learned to detach myself from emotion in these cases and just sincerely listen (that's usually all they need). When it's over, we go back to our 'hi' 'hello' relationship-no problem.


Well, maybe I could become a 'man psychiatrist'someday-their brains are far less complicated than a woman's..but for now, I'll just wait for the next 'patient' to come along..*_*

Wise Vs Indecisive

I’ve been staying up a lot lately and one of things that has busied my mind is: “Am I indecisive?” Yes, I do like to do a lot of self-examination and this is my latest issue. Why does it seem that I’m so into ‘something/someone’ this minute (a couple of months) then I’m totally over it/them and into something else in a snap? Isn’t that what being indecisive means?

Well, after a lot of tossing and turning I have realized that there is a huge difference between being or trying to be ‘wise’ and being ‘indecisive’. The latter would make a decision hastily then come to his senses and try to undo it or find a way out. I don’t think I could be considered this way at all! In fact, I may even be quite the opposite. I tend to ‘test the water’ a number of times before deciding to jump.

Ok so you like me..And I guess I like you too. But I don’t jump. I give it time but all the while people think that I’ve somehow ‘decided’ already. (Probably coz I’m Blabbering all the ‘good stuff’ about it to my friends-have the tendency to see all the positive sides of a person) then it happens. The “big bang” and I decide to tip toe slowly away in the opposite direction. Then people notice and I explain… Do you really expect me to continue on a course has shown itself to be ‘fuzzy’? That may sound like being ‘decisive’ but it’s rather STUPID- a word I don’t want to end up using to describe myself..:D

So NO! I hereby declare myself not indecisive but in a way wise. And yes, I do have ample proof that my ‘tip toeing’ away was for the better. A few have ended up with let’s say-’not so happy endings’ so I’m surely glad I jumped off before the ship sank.LOL

I don’t care that I’m kinda getting ‘older’ and with my ‘giving it time’ and ‘tip toeing’ way of doing things I may end up ‘free’ ( so-called ‘single for life’ )..But I definitely don’t mind (not that I prefer it though-kind of ‘sour grapes’ line this is .hahaha). Call me ‘picky’ (im really not by the way:D) or whatever you want. I’d rather stay single than ‘ruin’ my life with the next ‘crazy’ guy that comes my way! But if he’s not crazy then……

Pain

Pain and hurt are some words many of us dislike talking about but ironically are interwoven in the web of life. In most cases, these words have a negative connotation to them. Everyone thinks that hurting, is bad and is one of the things you should avoid. I disagree.

Experiencing pain, sorrow, breaking your heart, and all other ‘negative’ emotions related to pain is in a way-healthy. Pain teaches us to become better people. It molds us into who we are. It is a ‘necessity’.

You get your heart broken; you learn to be more careful with other people’s feelings. You realize how easily you can wind up being the cause of someone’s hurt. You lose a loved one; you learn to treasure everyone you have with you. You know how loss feels. All these valuable lessons, learned with PAIN’s help.

Am I saying you can’t be careful of other’s feelings or understand loss if you haven’t experienced it at all? That would be a hasty generalization and a false statement as such. Though we don’t have to experience everything firsthand to understand or learn from it-there is a lot Pain can teach that mere stories or experiences cannot. Pain has no substitute.

In this world, pain seems to be a universal language. In fact, it seems to be one of the things that transcends all things and unites humanity. The ability to feel another’s pain is indeed a gift endowed only to us. Like with any other gift, it should be cherished.

Still, pain is not ‘natural’. By this I mean that we were not created with the intent of experiencing pain. Nevertheless, being in our imperfect state, pain has found its place. So, while we await our perfect, painless lives, let us learn from pain. Let us embrace it for will soon be a thing of the past.

...Disgusting ...

I can’t help myself right now. I’m sitting next to a lady in an internet café and all that’s on her screen are windows of YM and so many cams. Hey, I’m not spying ok, we’re just so close and don’t tell me you don’t glance at your neighbors screen when you’re in a café??(defensive much?:D)

This is definitely disgusting! She’s like selling herself to all these guys online…gross. A minute ago, she fiddled with her blouse and I really don’t wanna know what that was all about. Now she’s busy with her typing, playing with her hair and basically trying to be seductive. She’s definitely not pretty but how can a woman stoop down to this level?

The guys are probably telling to do all kinds of ‘stupid’ stuff. “smile, stand up, show me this and that” GRRRRRRR…and the response is all ‘you’re very nice..i like your smile…I like you…’..I’m trying to figure out who I should be disgusted with-the guys or the girl?

How can people be so so…desperate!! I mean, it’s downright gross. More on the girls’ side. I mean doesn’t she get that these guys are pervs? That they’re simply ‘playing around with her’? Or does she like it somehow because she’s got some attention deficient?

Why can’t people do things the ‘old fashioned way’??? Meet someone nice, get together, date, whatever?? Is it money? Fun? I just don’t get it!!!!!! Fooling each other, I mean who would even find it ‘amusing’ or ‘flattering’. Each of them probably has lots of windows open and is chatting with so many at the same time just like she is.

Money? Maybe that’s what it’s about but still-has the world really become so degraded that anyone would trade their bodies for the ‘right price’? I wonder if they even get the money. Who would be so stupid to even send a stranger money?? I bet the ‘guys’ have a big laugh when she complies so stupidly and then asks for the money …LOL Serves her right!!

GROSS, DEGRADING, SICK, OFFENSIVE and all the synonyms you can think of. I’m so tempted to ‘trip’ the switch ‘accidently’ and put an end to this …or say something like ‘Miss, do you realize you’re spoiling every Filipinas name there…??’ .Gotta get outa here FAST before I throw up...

HE made my SUNDAY

I’m fond of reading life stories of all those amazing transformations that people undergo when they accept the truth and make changes in their lives. It’s not that it’s too good to be true but sometimes it seems like they only happen on paper. Like you only get to know those people on the printed page. This is probably because they aren’t stories you hear every day. Well, Sunday is the day I realized how wonderful Jehovah is in giving chance for ‘all sorts of men to come to an accurate knowledge” of him. It’s not like I doubted it before but sometimes being able to really talk to a living example of such makes a huge difference. Here’s how it goes:

It was an ordinary Sunday afternoon and I and the girls were in the park doing our Chinese lessons. When we were done, for some reason we didn’t leave right away and just decided to sit down and relax. Then this guy-Ivan walked up to us and asked:” naa moh Bantayanang Torre” (hope got the spelling right). So we all searched our bags and got out Watchtower’s. He then started telling us his story. It went something like this:

He was a former snatcher, thief (climbing houses and all), and alcoholic…basically a CRIMINAL. Well, indirectly, he got hold of one of our mags-it was placed to his Lola- and started reading. That was way back 2008 (if I remember right).

Anyway, he went on with his ‘criminal life’ but always made it a point to ask magazines whenever he found witnesses. Then it happened. When snatching a cellphone, he had to pull out a knife. As he put it: “paghuman know ug dagan, naghinuktok jd ko ky kahibalo ko na sala jd ni. Naa jd toh sa Bible”. So he decided to go to confession but afterwareds “igon nila dpat maau ila paminaw pg human, ako kay wala jud..mrag bugat pa kaau ako pamati sa akong gibuhat”

So he continued with his ‘criminal’ lifestyle when one day, after snatching some item, he took refuge in the park. An elderly witness sat next to him and started preaching. Again, he accepted the magazines.

It seems somewhere in this stage-he couldn’t continue what he was doing. He quit his ‘job’ and became a laborer tending to the plants in the park. Whenever he had the chance, he got our magazines. He decided to change his life. Quit all his bad habits (he wouldn’t go into detail so probably drugs, girls and the lot) recently quit drinking (as in TOTALLY since he was an alcoholic) and is currently quitting smoking.

Now I just found that amazing. He was able to do all this without any study conductor to point him in the right direction, without the help of the congregation and just from what he read in the magazines. Jehovah indeed draws people to him.

The big issue he was facing was that he feels ‘unworthy’. He says, his mind keeps saying “hugaw ka..hugaw ka”. We tried reassuring him but he said “ pag abut sa judgement day, ok ra jud sa ako kung didto ko sa daotan ibutang..sa kadaghan sa akong gi himo-mkasabut jud ko. Dawaton nako unsa ihimo sa Diyos sa akoa..basta ako lang karon-mausab ko. Dili ko mag expect na iforgive pa ko…”

Back to the story, he mentioned that a witness promised a bible study with him and they were to meet in the park last Thursday. He was there, waiting but it rained so the witness didn’t make it. He was busy trying to describe to us this brother but we really couldn’t tell who it could be. Then, this brother ‘X’ walked right up to us and Ivan was so shocked. “nara siya oh!..mao ni ako pasabut!” Mark (the brother’s name) was in the mall he explained and was about to go home but somehow decided to drop by the park even though it wasn’t his schedule.

Now I was getting goose bumps here. It’s just like our job was to keep Ivan Company for the meantime so that Mark could find him in the park. AMAZING INDEED…
So Ivan kept on with his ‘I don’t deserve’ talk while I frantically flipped through my Bible trying to find that text about ‘sins as red as scarlet will become like wool…”..Revelation was it? Or maybe….?? I just couldn’t find it! (grrr..wala pa sa akong list of memorized text eh..) So I whispered to Mark if he knew it and he did.

ISIAH 1:18.I will never forget that text now. I gave Ivan to read. When he was done, he paused for a while and his face just lit up. “wala jd ko kahibalo na naa d I ni na texto sa bible..karon pa jd know ni na basa..naa pa d I ko pag asa bah! Basin maforgive ra ko sa Diyos!"

It seems our ‘job’ was done. Mark was going to start a study with him so it was ‘exit time’. It just didn’t feel right to ride a jeepney home that day so I took the 30 minute walk instead. People must’ve thought I was crazy or something walking alone smiling (maybe even talking) to myself.

All I could think about was WOW! Jehovah doesn’t really ‘need’ us to do the job of ‘drawing people’. The magazines, the bible and the Holy Spirit are more than enough. But he does. He uses us imperfect; sometimes even ‘unappreciative’ humans to help his sheep. What a GRAND PRIVILEGE we have...May we never take it for granted^_^

And one more thing i forgot-He shares everything he reads in our magazines with his 'workmates'.:)

..It just 'CLICKED’….

It’s natural for us to want to feel cared for, loved and appreciated. This is how we were created. This urge is evident no matter ones’ age and maturity has nothing to do with it. The ‘journey’ to finding that ‘special one’ is long, fun, achy and part of everyone’s’ life. There is no ONE person that was ‘meant’ for you. There is no ‘DESTINY’. The bottom line is-YOU CHOOSE WHO YOU END UP WITH.

As to whether you are a ‘good pair’ or not, “many shoes may fit”. Again-it’s choice. No matter how much we pray about these things, we know we don’t expect Jah to put a special ‘X marks the spot’ on the one that would be right for us. In the end-it is OUR choice.

The problem is that many will come and surely catch your attention. Yep, in my case-I’d say this is absolutely true! It’s like I’m minding my own business, being busy in the ministry and off course praying about these things and then ‘BOOM!’ someone comes along! I’m like ‘ahmm…so is this it? He’s ok..etc….’ then comes the big BUT..but he’s…but he’s…So I decide to ‘stop looking’ at him and get on with my life.

Am I looking for perfection I sometimes ask myself? No, I guess not. It just so happens that for some reason or another, these guys end up ‘lacking’. Sometimes it’s not even a ‘lacking’ more like me having a ‘realization’ whereas other times it’s a huge ‘lacking’. At least, from all these experiences(not like they are so many though..LOL), I know myself better.

I can’t ‘endure’ someone who is soo all over me, - ‘US’, ‘LOVE’..and ‘ME’ are the only things he talks about. ..( 143, I miss you..you are so…143.143..-cute but not my thing)..I don’t like being the one ‘cared for’ even scolded for my ‘’unhealthy habits’..Oh cumon’ I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF THANK YOU!..LOL. I can’t stand having to explain so much for them to ‘get’ me. ..’hello, can we please tune in to the same wavelength…’..I can’t stand guys who treat ‘all girls the same’. ..’oh so so and so knows that too..and I thought I was kinda special!..bye bye…’..I can’t love someone who can’t last long in a conversation on spiritual matters…’goals, hmm…what spiritual goals..?’

Well, what i need just 'clicked'- Someone who has a life of his own, who doesn’t need me to somehow validate his existence. Someone who I can Care for. Someone who understands me and who I understand. Someone I can relate to without having to give so much ‘background information’. Someone who isn’t a ‘girl magnet’. Someone who loves to talk about spiritual things.

Bottom line is-I doubt if I can or even want to start from scratch with anyone ‘new’ (just met) now. I realize that my ‘ideal’ SOMEONE must be’ SOMEONE JUST AROUND THE CORNER…He may be ‘nearer than home than I think..‘♥

Is love all that matters?

‘I LOVE YOU’. What exactly do those words mean? I always thought that they meant that that person knows you inside and out, has accepted all your weaknesses and loves you for what you are. Assuming that’s true, what reaction is expected? Is it safe to say that just because someone loves you, you ought to love them in return? Or at least give them a chance? Or does it mean that you should be willing to ‘throw away’ everything you’ve come to know just because they love you?

Many girls agree that when a guy really, really, loves you, you will be able to learn love them back. That no matter how ‘ordinary’ you may view them-their LOVE for you will be able to change everything. I have found something seriously wrong with this line of thinking.

The focus is on LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. Is Love really all that matters? Aren’t there other aspects of a person that you ought to consider? In fact, aren’t there more important things such as spirituality that should be part of your decision?

I’m coming to think that LOVE isn’t really blind but LOVE can MAKE one blind. It’s so easy to be overwhelmed with all the love you are receiving that you ‘neglect’ or end up ‘blinding’ yourself to more important issues at hand. You may easily end up allowing yourself to ‘feel’ something for someone just because of all the love you’re getting and not for any ‘solid’ reasons.

I have come to conclude that there is in fact something very dangerous with ‘so much ‘LOVE. If someone is willing to do ANYTHING for you, you may be flattered at first but is that really a good sign? If all a person can talk about is their LOVE for you, should you get that tingling feeling? Should you conclude that ‘he is the one’?

NO! LOVE IS DEFINITELY NOT ALL THAT MATTERS. Yes, love will always be there but it shouldn’t be the only thing you see. It shouldn’t be the only reason you make a decision. It should not be the only basis for your relationship. In fact,it is one among the 'least' things to consider.