If i were a boy

I'm sure we've all heard Beyonce's "if I were a boy".It just got me thinking:

"If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man"

All girls think they'd be better men if they were given a chance.But I think thats only because we're girls and know what we need so we think we'd be better boys.Maybe we forget that boys were born boys.They've never known how it feels being a girl, never been 'hurt' the way girls hurt and don't really know exactly what to say and do to make us happy.In fact, they must think we're so hard to understand and we probably think the same.Why?Coz we also have never been boys!!How are we to know why they act the way they do?Why they care today and seem to ignore us tomorrow? Why they simply don't seem to get the basic fact that a little 'sweetness goes a long way'?

Well, I guess it's a tie then.If only guys could be girls for a time and girls-guys.Then they'd finally understand each other and the world would be a much better place.:) BUT since that would only happen in our dreams,how are we supposed to understand guys and they-us?I dunno..One thing I've learned though-don't beat yourself up girls!meaning?STOP THINKING!! STOP ANALYZING!!(not that it's bad but we just over do it!..why didn't he...,why is he...)Believe me,it makes life a lot easier.And to boys??START THINKING! (at least try..why didn't she...;)The difference?Girls usually have a reason for everything(ie.we've got issues!!) So? So everything she(we) does actually has some 'hidden' meaning!!(uhuh..everything she did/didn't do has a reason!!scary huh?) whereas you guys are a little 'care-free'.Almost everything you do is really 'no big deal'.

My point:since we can't change roles/genders literally,maybe we can try thinking like the opposite sex.Girls be a little more 'no biggy' and guys a little more 'concerned'.Who knows?We might meet somewhere in between.Not that I'm an expert or anything-I'm simply a girl doing what i do best-thinking too much.&_&

Dreams

Do you remember your dream last night? I find it amazing how dreams can be so realistic! I think they are in a way a part of our subconscious mind.A place where there are no boundaries,where we make the rules and where our real 'dreams' come true or 'fears' come alive. I know you can't decide what to dream of but I think you do have some control over them, like if you're facing an important turning point let's say a competition, i bet your dreams would be of either winning or loosing.In short, we don't just dream anyhow but our situation, concerns are all a part of what we dream.Maybe that's why they are sometimes so realistic-because they really can happen and perhaps are what we'd like to happen or are fearing would happen.

The people or characters in our dreams are also 'based' on our lives. I can safely say my family, friends etc are almost always in my dreams.Most times, the person/people I'm concerned about or thinking about at that time are the 'main' characters in my dreams.And my 'story line'? hmmm...things I wish would happen ;)

Isn't it good that you don't usually remember your dreams?Some things better stay in 'dreamworld' don't you think?;) And it's even better that when you do remember, only you know what you dreamed about? There's no way I'd let anyone in my head!!(the things they'd see, the secrets they'd know!!lol) My dreams are one of the very few things I get to keep to myself so find yourself very privileged if I ever share any of them :D @_@

What If

I think it's all too common for us to take for granted the spiritual heritage we've been handed.But have you ever asked yourself what if you were just a 'normal' worldly kid and someone knocked on your door offering a magazine or something would you accept it???Think real, real hard...well??

I think about this often and have concluded that I might have accepted it since I like reading and it was free.But how about when they returned?Again and again?Trying to establish a BS?Who's to say I would be 'touched' by what I read?Or that something would interest me?Yep, I'm quite sure I would 'back-out'. Even if I did accept, I really don't think I'd make all the changes needed.Why?Coz, I'm pretty sure I'd be a 'wild', 'independent', 'party-goer' kinda girl.

Coming to that conclusion, where would I be now?A drug-addict? Maybe with two kids and no father?Or maybe still at school struggling with my grades?Worst still, maybe in jail for some crime?I dunno.For sure, I'd be lost, without purpose, unhappy, discontent, with loads of problems, hopeless and definitely with a very dim future.

But thanks to our spiritual heritage, we haven't had to 'taste' the world, we have direction, purpose and a bright future.:) It might be somewhat true that those who 'find' the truth on their own are more 'focused', more appreciative of JH's organization etc and that we sometimes take things for granted.But it is equally true that they were so close to not becoming one of JH's servants.There are a lot of 'what ifs' that could have changed everything-for the worst!On the other hand we have had the privilege of not having to 'experience' the world to know it's dangers. Not having to be 'chin-deep' in irreversible circumstances before coming to our senses.The list goes on......

How about being less 'focused', 'appreciative' and taking things for granted? It's all about appreciation.You have to take time to really think about all the "what if's".You'll come to realize what a rare privilege we have that we should be forever grateful for.*_*

EVERY SINGLE DAY

I know I've said i love Sundays and Thursdays.I'm having second thoughts,with the way this week is going, I just might end up loving every single day!!Why?Nope, I'm not crazy over some guy (i think)-gotta give myself a break from that! It's because I've preached every single day since mm..Sunday I think.Have you tried it?? It seems I've forgotten how it felt until now and I'm loving every part of it.

It somehow keeps you reminded that this is no time for 'games', no time to be concerned over 'matters of the heart', no time to be 'worried' over anything and definitely no time to be 'busy' in the world.Like a constant 'alarm' telling you how close we are to the end, how much work there is to be done and how you should be spending your time.

It's the only way you'll feel exhausted but happy.The only way you'll 'forget' your problems (at least for a while) and the only way you'll realize what truly matters.Meaning? It's not what happened at work, not what bills are due,who your mad at or who you miss-it's that you're using your your time, energy and resources in JH's service:) Like the YPA video line: "Unless you use your life to serve JH, you'll always feel empty".Put it another way:"if you use your life to serve JH, you'll always feel contented and happy." The kind of happiness you'll never find anyway else.

Another thing-Isn't it amazing how you become of 'one mind' when at the door? How you can instantly think of a way to support your partner, how your partner seems to know exactly whats on your mind.Like you were literally one mind!

Well, we're young and strong and have so much to 'give' to JH!!Just the thought is inspiring-"GIVE to JH??" So, on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday I'm gonna be doing the best thing in the world!(try my best to)No more 'emo-days'-huge waste of time!(maybe I'll have some, just not so often;) Anybody wanna join me??I promise nothing more than complete happiness *_*

Nothing compares

There are really many, many things that makes all of us smile.But if you were asked what was your ultimate 'high', what could get you out of any bad mood, make you forget your problems and keep you smiling for a long time, what would it be?? I'm glad to say I've found my 'ultimate high':) There definitely is nothing that compares to the happiness, satisfaction and contentment you feel after a successful preaching activity!!Don't you agree?It feels like the world stops for a while,and you're in a bubble floating in the air.*_*

No matter how everyone was probably tired from the whole day's work,surely had much on their minds,it's like they left their worries, concerns etc at the KH gate and walked in like they had the best day of their lives! Everyone being as positive as they can, holding back yawns and not mentioning hunger.Everyone focusing their mind on one Goal.That's the kind of unity you only see in JH''s organization and one of the things I live for.

Then theirs always the part of sharing experiences.Simply seeing someone excitedly relate what happened,with so much conviction just 'melts' my heart.You can't help but love them.:) When it's finally 'going home' time-there's always the feeling that you wish you could all go home together.That you never had to go separate ways so you could continue your conversation.It's like biding goodbye is as good as leaving your 'bubble' and having to go back to the 'real' world.

Can you imagine feeling that satisfied, happy etc every single day??Well, I've just reinforced my decision!!!I'm surely going to have no regrets!!&_&

Decisions

I don't know about you but I sometimes wish there was someone to tell me exactly what to do every time.That I didn't have to think so much, that I didn't have to make my own decisions.Or that I was somewhat like a robot-programmed to do everything!Off course that isn't possible-our free will is one of the many things that separate us from animals and is a great gift.SO we all have to make our own decisions-sometimes big, sometimes small and sometimes huge!

I don't think I've made all the right decisions in my life- I guess no one has.There is one thing I've found out though:you always have to remember why you made the decision in the first place or else you'll get carried away and loose your focus.That's exactly what I think has happened to me and I'm hoping it won't happen again!Ok, what am I talking about?

Here's my analysis:Stopped school for full-time.well and good-I did reach that goal.But off course needed to support myself so applied for work-full time (8hrs a day).No weekends so I thought-"not bad".Then planned to do part time to avoid any hindrances of attending PSS but before I knew it, I found myself with another full-time job!This time including Saturdays!!Ok this is not good but I'm in a 2yr contract already-no turning back!!Then everything isn't really 'ok' anymore-can't preach Saturdays, takes a lot of effort to do weekdays(sleepy), and Sundays are ruined (from work).Can you see how far I've come from my original plans???What was supposed to be a means to support the ministry has become a full-time career-8hrs a day, 6 days a week, and a shift that sucks!Not to mention all the hassle to get leaves for assemblies!This isn't what I wanted at all!

Then came a 'WAKE-UP CALL'(PSS and District).It said :"Remember what's your career again??BEING AN RP!Not spending most of your time at work!How could you let your career suffer this much and for so long?"That was it-I made a promise/promises to myself and JH that come 2yrs-I'm done.I'll never apply in a company ever again.I'll never do 8hrs a day again.And I'll never let my career suffer ever again!

One thing left to do-follow up on my promise.My 'strategy'?Let a lot of people know of my plan, this way they'd follow up on me.Yap, it's been effective.Then one last thing-letting my office mates,supervisor etc know.I thought it would be the easiest part but it actually wasn't!Knowing how much you're still needed and how short they are on resources doesn't make anything easy at all!But I DID IT!!!yepey!!!*_*One more thing to do-submit my letter!!(find one to copy online.lol)


And how about all of my concerns? Assemblies,bros college..etc.....One text repeating to myself in my head:"...seek first the kingdom..all other things will be added..." ,"...seek first the kingdom..all other things will be added..." ,"...seek first the kingdom..all other things will be added..." :D

Smile

There must be a lot of things and people that make you smile.I'm into emo posts these days so this one goes out to everything/everyone who makes me smile:) I don't think i really have to mention names-you know who you are;)Well here are some of the things or people that put that smile on my face:

>being served bfast/lunch in bed(spoiled:D)
>sunrise/sunset
>waves/sand of the sea (so tranquil)
>Flowers!(Fibonacci principle..ehem;)
>Soap and water
>walking in the Rain
>starry nights (shows how small and insignificant we are)
>getting early morning/late night calls:D (uhuh. i love my fone na!!)
>midnight talks with my bros
>talks with my fwends
>"hello's" and "Thank you"'s
>listening to the kids answer
>seeing the deaf at the KH
>birds in 'v formation'(it conserves energy)
>learning something i never knew
>listening to my fav. songs
>listening to encouraging experiences
>getting asked "how are you?":D
>seeing a BS become convinced

There are probably many, many more things that keep me smiling but these are the one's I can think of now, so they're also probably the ones that matter most^_^ So to all the people who keep me smiling-Thank for making me smile!!!keep it up!!lol

SImply being me

Is there anything as giving too much of yourself to the world?Like there comes a point when you feel like you've got nothing left to give,you're tired of being the 'hero', tired of being the one who cares, tired of the one who everyone leans on.You wish that for once, you'd be the one on the receiving end, you'll be the one who needs a 'hero' and you'd get to lean on someone.It's not that nobody cares,- off course they do, maybe it's because everyone thinks there's no need to show it or maybe they don't know how.I really can't blame anyone for that-it's just the impression everyone gets-that I'm the girl who knows 'exactly' what to say and do, doesn't need anybody's advice, can take care of herself,can solve her own problems and has her life all planned out.Well,I can't deny most of those but just because I seem to have everything together doesn't mean I don't need anyone, that nobody needs to care or that I don't need a shoulder to lean on right?

Thing is if I seem to 'have everything together' how are you supposed to know when I need a 'tap on the shoulder'??hmm...does there really have to be a real reason to? You could just care randomly right?Coz there's no way I'm gonna act sad, down and helpless just to get people's attention!!That's sooo over the edge!ewwwwwwww......Or do you expect me to go:"hey guyz, I'm feeling kinda down right now, please encourage me"?Actually tried something like that but got a 'you know what to do' answer when I honestly DIDN'T!I really don't get why people think I'm so 'knowledgeable'?

Sometimes, I just need a little appreciation, someone to tell me 'it's all right' or 'you can do it'.Someone to text/call not to ask any favors but simply to ask how you are.Or to be looked for/missed when you're not around.Not always to be the comforter,encourager,one being asked favors.Makes me sometimes 'envious' of those with 'weaker' personalities-everyone cares for them,everyone's always ready to encourage them, give them a hand.But that also makes them sensitive, 'fragile so no thanks-don't want their life!:D

One of my silly 'master sometimes is 'disappearing' from the world for a day or two.Disappear?Not texting, calling etc anyone, not making any arrangements with anyone (dramatic huh?lol) just to see if anybody would ask if I'm ok or if anybody would notice I'm 'gone'.Unfortunately though, I end up missing them first and decide to 'reappear'!lol.Then there are times I wish I could literally 'disappear'.Purpose?Just for the world to miss me, to realize all I did for them so when I return they'd 'value' me more somehow.

so?What to do?Maybe I should stop 'giving too much' of myself to the world?The less you give,the less you expect to receive right?But nope, wouldn't work-giving,helping,encouraging etc makes me happy!Besides, my 'self-pity' feelings are really seldom.And off course I know JH sees and cares-that's more important than anything any human can show.Good thing I'm also very 'self-sustaining'-so when I don't receive the 'things' I need from anyone, I give them to myself:D So don't worry, until the world 'learns' or 'realizes' how to care or until someone comes along who does-Me, Myself and I are always there and know exactly what to do ;)

Last words: "it's not easy to be me" but you have to admit, the world wouldn't be the same without me;) so I'll have to continue to be me for the world :|


*end of emo post*

Memories

I was checking my "box of secrets' recently-it's something I do when I'm sick of reading, can't sleep, have noone to talk to.It's amazing how time flies!And it's more amazing how people and life in general changes.I found some (actually a lot) of pics of people who back then weren't anybody special, just happened to be among my companions at the time but now are 'something' to me.I was a little surprised, like :"oh..i didn't know we were together here..this is way back 2007 or so!."lol.Then there were pics with people who I was close to back then but now aren't part of my circle of close friends.Yep-things really have changed.

Then I found an old notebook.With what??All the poems I ever composed (most of them)hahaha!What was I thinking? I just ended up laughing at myself. At least I could remember a what was going on that drove me to my corniness.Mostly effects of all my hormones trying to stabilize during the 'teen years'.It was very, very funny and embarrassing to read those!lol

Remember the good ol high school fad of autograph books??"what was your most embarrassing moment?Who was your first love?What did you find attractive about him/her?" Yap, I have at least two complete ones with most of my classmates on them.(i even have my crush's autograph!can't believe i was that daring!)

Do you keep a diary??I never thought I did until then! i found a couple of pages with the "Dear Diary" on top!imagine that, I actually did start doing the 'diary thing' at some time.All the details in those pages were very 'enlightening'.It seems I turned to diaries to get over a heart-break.And made sure to update every single improvement in my 'journey to recovery' hahaha...I never ever thought I did that!!Anyway, it seems I finally came to my senses(my 'diary' was only a couple of pages).I really, really thought I learned my lesson of writing 'stuff' like that and risking someone else reading it!Oh well, I guess I didn't.lol

Also found some spiritual stuff.Like all my old notebooks from past assemblies, meetings etc.Some badges, programs and the script of my very first talk!!At least I haven't changed in that respect;)And my old planner with all my 'year plans' that I mostly accomplished and oh yeah..complete with 'special' dates marked (ie.date of appointment as MS,PT's..).Can't believe I was that 'head over heels'!lol

Well, I definitely did enjoy my 'time travel'.A nice eye-opener and I did have to 'congratulate' myself for getting over all those issues!:D Sometimes to see is to believe-you really have to 'see' what you were to appreciate how you've changed or maybe realize how you haven't.In fact, I better get myself a 'safer' box of secrets-one with a lock and key perhaps.Don't want anyone getting their hands on my 'dark secrets'!lol Some memories are better kept in a box. ^_^

h-A-p-i-N-e-Ss

Happiness is a state of mind.If you think you're happy, you will be.That's my motto when and probably why lots think i live a blissful, carefree life.(if only they knew!lol) Does this make mea pretender??hmm..i do have great 'talent in that field but it's very selective;) I don't pretend to be happy when i'm not, i think i simply make myself happy!Like Peter Pan-think happy thoughts and you can fly!!Sounds silly but can be very true.Happy thoughts get you so far, it's as good as flying high above the clouds.I sometimes wonder if I'm normal that too simple stuff make me so happy-rain, sun,clouds,the moon....almost everything in fact!.Am I normal?or AB normal?lol Not that I care- I accept that I'm 'weird':D

Happiness doesn't really have to be for some special reason.You don't have to be happy just because you got a raise,passed an exam or accomplished something.Those are too seldom for our happiness to depend on!If you can't think of any reason when you wake up to be happy, try looking out the window and be happy that you got to see the sun for one more day.Or try watching the clouds endlessly change shape and be happy you've got eyes to see that:)Just try to appreciate every single thing around you, no matter how 'normal' it seems.(I find the soapy bubbles in water mm...nice:).If you really try to 'open your eyes' your world won't seem so boring anymore and you'll learn to find happiness everywhere!

If you really really do have ample reason not to be happy then just think real hard.Would your frown change anything?Nope.So why bother??It so much easier to smile!Ok,ok, I'm making it sound too simple..What i do when the world seems to be falling on me is think,think and think.Is it really worth the worry?How big is your 'issue' anyway?You'll probably find you're making a fuss of something rather minor.And if it's really big?Mmm..then think about something worse, something that hasn't happened to you and be happy you're not that bad:) Then think of the millions of reasons you have to be happy, they'll bypass your reasons for sadness so far that you'll forget what you were worrying about in the first place!:)

My final tip:when you wake up, smile and say to yourself "today is my happy day!"I promise-you'll smile your day away *_*

Gamble

Falling in love is great!We all know that.;) the daydreaming,smile you can't take off your face-everything simply 'perfect'.I think falling in love is sometimes more of a gamble, you've got 'chips' on your side but you always have the risk of loosing(ie.getting hurt or simply defeated by someone else).Often than not, people take this risk-use the 'cards' they have as best they can,and hope for the best.Others start out fine but time comes when they aren't willing to continue the game, aren't willing to risk loosing all they have or to bet higher, so they give up-let someone else win and walk away with whatever they have left,probably including regrets and 'should have's' thinking it was better than getting hurt and facing defeat.Still others play the game, do what they possibly can but end up loosing to someone else:( They walk away with heads low and hearts broken.And of course there are the 'winners', they might have not had the best cards, might not even have had the highest bet but they somehow played the game right.They didn't give up or walk away, weren't scared to take risks, were ready to face defeat and remained positive through it all.

So which player was the best?The looser,the one who surrendered or the fighter?You'd might say "the 'fighter' of course."Well, he did win in the end But he also could easily have been the looser with just one move.In another time, or place he easily could have lost.How about the one who gave up? Yes, he did save himself the heart-break but who knows, if he continued the game, he might have won.If only he was willing to take the risk. The looser?He did everything he could, didn't give up but just happened to loose.He walked away with a heart-break but also a lot of lessons.If given the chance to play again, he'd probably know what to do and probably would play a better game this time:)

Nobody can play a 'perfect game' of love.Nobody can assure their victory and nobody can condemn themselves to heartbreak.Sometimes the most unlikely people turn out 'winner the least expected 'losers'.My point?Some things are simply out of your hands,there is only so much you can do,so much risks you can take. so weather you end up being the 'looser', 'winner' or 'surrender er'-just remember it's a gamble.You can always 'deal' again and play a better game.Just keep yourself together,hold your head up high,stitch your heart if it gets broken and PLAY!!<*_*>

(btw:I'm not a gambler ok?never played the game, this is a mere illustration.lol)

Get it???

I had a very interesting conversation with my seatmate here some time back about lovey dovy stuff again.(He started it!)After sharing his life's love experiences, there's one thing I noticed-how long it took for him to realize or to finally accept that a girl he likes actually likes him too!It got me wondering if all guys are like that??so 'blind', unassuming??hmmm...well, i just had to ask him what kind of things would give him reason to think a girl likes him.What it would take for him to 'get it'?The list was sometimes like this:(provided you have some idea that she doesn't act this way to everyone)

>she replies to all/most of his text messages

>she accepts invitations to go to places

>she does stuff he asks her to do

>she texts/calls

>she tells him personal things

>she shows she cares somehow

>she gives some hints of 'jealousy'

Now here's the weird part, even if all the above are 'check' he says he still doesn't assume anything!!Cummon guys! what else can a girl do?? Ok, I'm a girl right?(yes, I've finally decided:D) Believe me, if did even a couple of the above to someone, I at least like you-even a bit.And if I completed the list???Hellooo??I definitely like you!So what's with the "she probably thinks of me as a friend" or "It's normal I guess, nothing special" mentality guys have??

His answer?It all boils down to fear.Of what?Rejection.The "how about if I'm wrong?" thinking.It seems guys really, really can't take rejection and wouldn't dare make any more 'moves' unless they were absolutely sure.Don't ask me how they'd know that aside from the 'list'- I dunno!

But guys,you really have to be a little assuming sometimes! I wouldn't even call it assuming.It's more like 'reading between the lines'.Of course it would depend on the girl coz there are girls who are so friendly with everyone, have a lot of guy friends, are caring etc so it'd be kinda hard to tell the difference in her treatment.Then there are girls who aren't close at all with any guy, aren't caring or friendly by nature,i think these are 'easy';)Mmmm..maybe guys have to study the girl a little first.So they'd know when what she's doing isn't 'normal' anymore.Or maybe girls have to make the 'message between the lines' easier to read??

I DUNNO...I HONESTLY DUNNO